IMAGINARY FEMALE TROUBLE. SUPPRESSED MASTURBATION. NOVEL READING: A list of reasons for admission to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, 1864-69. (HT: @emilynussbaum)

TODAY'S SHOW CONSISTS OF FIVE HUNDRED ACTS:  Congratulations, This American Life. If you had only done the Harold Washington episode, dayenu. (We last discussed our favorites in 2010.)

BEYOND TOMMY WESTPHALL:Someone has developed an exceedingly elaborate theory to explain how every Pixar film (yes, including Cars and Cars 2) takes place in the same universe.

THOUGH SUCH AN EVENT COULD EXPLAIN NEWARK'S DECAY:  Philip Roth did not, in fact, watch Sharknado with Mia Farrow last night.

I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS:If you really want to see Walter White's immortal tightie-whites (along with a bunch of other costumes and other ephemera from Breaking Bad), they'll be on display at NYC's Museum of the Moving Image in connection with the final few episodes of the show.

#LOLMETS:  There's really only one franchise in MLB clumsy enough to choose pissing off actual Native Americans in a weird effort to avoid offending a team built on stereotypical images of Native Americans.

(TPE and I attended the SF Giants' Native American Heritage Night last month. Zero political content.)

RULE 7:  TV's number one drama is losing the closest thing it has to a leading lady, as Cote de Pablo will leave NCIS after a short arc at the start of next season to give closure to the character.  I don't know that it'll affect ratings much--yes, there are a number of very loud "Tiva" shippers who will swear off the show, but the show's recast this same role before, as have most of the long-running CBS procedurals, with little negative effect on ratings.  The more interesting question is who winds up filling the part.  You can come up with some interesting names just going through cancelled shows from last season:  Dana Delany, Dichen Lachman, Radha Mitchell, Caterina Scorsone, Anna Camp, Janet Montgomery, and Jordana Spiro.  I'll offer a dark horse--Callie Thorne, whose USA vehicle seems teetering on the verge of cancellation, and who has the right sort of energy for the part.

THE APPLIANCE FORMERLY KNOWN AS AN ICEBOX: Prince allowed Heavy Table to inspect his fridge provided that no camera was used. Instead -- at Prince's suggestion -- they brought an sketch artist. The big take away is that if a Yak milk is vegan, so long as the Yak gives it of her own free will. [ETA - Apparently, an April Fool's Post. Yet my view of Prince must be such that nothing about this raised my suspicions]

THIS ONE WILL NOT FEATURE SEAN CONNERY: Even though not even critics have seen it, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be considered a sure thing for ABC next fall (rumors suggest the pilot will screen at Comic-Con and TCA).  Indeed, it seems to be a sure enough thing that Fox has already offered a guaranteed pilot air for a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen series, which we can safely assume will lead to harumphing from Alan Moore and nerds complaining about its infidelity to the books.

REPLACING TRAVEL DILEMMAS WITH TRAVEL OPPORTUNITIES:  Here's a list worth coming out of retirement for:  the 22 best amusement park restaurants in America.  #1 on the list is Boma, which is not only the best amusement park restaurant I've ever been to, but one of my favorite restaurants, period.  Going through the list really underscores how one's life changes upon procreation. #4, the Brown Derby at Disney Studios, is where two-year-old Cosmo Girl face-planted onto the table for an epic nap, permitting Mr. Cosmo and myself a relaxing two-hour lunch. #15, the SciFi Dine-In Theater, is where Cosmo Boy threw up in the back of a convertible after barely surviving the Tower of Terror. #16, Graeter's Ice Cream at King's Island, isn't a place I have visited personally, but a friend sent us a 12-pack of Graeter's when Cosmo Boy got his tonsils out.  (Cosmo Boy got the Breyer's.  Mr. Cosmo and I kept the Graeter's for ourselves. Yum.)

Anything missing from the list?

APPARENTLY, HE WAS DRUNK AT THE TIME:John Travolta is claiming he turned down Denzel Washington's Oscar-nominated role in Flight because he found the opening plane crash scene too unrealistic.  No such complaints were levied against Face/Off and Look Who's Talking, apparently.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING AN OUTLAW WHEN YOU GOT RESPONSIBILITIES? Head's up: for those of you playing catch-up with me, I'll have a Breaking Bad season three recap post in the next few days. If you haven't finished the season yet? Run. Yeah.

IT'S CHILDISH GAMBINO, GIRLS! Due to his desire to spend time on other projects as well as Sony's desire to cut budget, Donald Glover will only appear in 5 of next season's 13 Community episodes.

GREAT SCOTT, I AM OVERANALYZING: While stuck at the Pittsburgh airport yesterday, I wound up re-watching Back to the Future II on my iPad--two questions:

• "Everyone knows hoverboards don't work over water."--OK, I can accept this because the water interferes with the magnetic repulsion that theoretically makes hoverboards work, but if that were the case, wouldn't the hoverboard just stop hovering and fall into the water rather than just freezing?
• It's repeatedly shown that the time machine has three displays--current date, destination date, and date last visited.  After 2015-Biff travels to 1955, how do neither Marty nor Doc notice that the "date last visited" display no longer shows 1985, but rather 1955, particularly given that they have to reset the time circuits to travel back to 1985?  Wouldn't this not only tell them that someone had time traveled, but given them the exact date and time he went to/came from, thus obviating the need to go to creepy alternate 1985 at all?

FURTHER TRAVEL DILEMMAS:  Following up on our discussion about "why don't hotels offer toothpaste," another hotel amenity question--why do most hotels invariably offer a shower cap?  Does anyone actually use the shower cap?  Is it a requirement of hotel grading to offer it?  Have the titans of the disposable shower cap industry somehow entered into a nefarious bargain with hoteliers under which they are guaranteed the opportunity to supply the shower caps to America's hotels?

THE RULES OF CAMP GROUNDED WERE SIMPLE: NO PHONES, COMPUTERS, TABLETS OR WATCHES; WORK TALK, DISCUSSION OF PEOPLE’S AGES AND USE OF REAL NAMES WERE PROHIBITED:  Also "meals were vegan and gluten-free variations on summer camp staples," all of which sounds like hell to me but that's kinda the point when you sign up for Camp Grounded, an adults-only weekend camp in Northern California organized by a group "dedicated to teaching technology-addled (or technology-addicted) people to, in the words of its literature, 'disconnect to reconnect.'" [The Laird Bell Quadrangle alumni among us will find a familiar name in the piece.]