"SO DON'T WORRY IF YOU WERE A COMPLETE MORON UP TILL NOW:" TAR5 Racers Colin & Christie share their thoughts on TAR6 so far here (unsurprisingly, via TV Tattle). Among their thoughts? Team Hellboy is "not 'America's Sweethearts.'" Christie claims that those seeing similarities between Jonathan and "my beloved Colin are sadly falling into the trap of creative editing." Colin unloads on the "stupid 'luck' challenge" with the hay bales as well as bunching generally, and demonstrates a superficial understanding of probability. There's also a decided undercurrent of bitterness, such as Christie's suggestion that Gus and Hera can win if they "learn from Chip & Kim, and latch onto" stronger teams. In the words of Phil himself--"Who wil be eliminated...next?" Thread's open for all pre-show discussion.

NO HE DI'INT! The companion piece to the ALOTT5MA for Foregone Conclusion of the Year is, of course, the award for the WTF?!? Moment of the Year, given to that instance -- whether in fact or fiction -- that most caused Americans to pick up their phones, call their friends and say, "Hey! I didn't just see that, did I?"

Certainly, the nominees this year were legion. Janet Jackson was the presumptive favorite, of course. Soon, the Dean Scream followed, and other events like the Red Sox comeback, Rick James' passing, Howard Stern leaving broadcast radio and "Hey Ya!" not winning the Grammy for Record of the Year tried and failed to raise the shock-meter. Even in the world of fiction, learning that The Village was really set in a hamlet and seeing Aleksandr slap Carrie wasn't going to top Janet's escapade.

But then something did, on the night of May 2, 2004. If you were watching The Sopranos ("Unidentified Black Males") that night, you remember where you were when Meadow's boyfriend, Finn DeTrolio, stumbled on the construction site in the wee small hours of the morning only to find Vito "Wide Guy" Spatafore in a nearby pickup truck in a way we've never seen him before. And a nation of millions rewound their TiVos and watched it again. And again.

(previous winners in this category include OJ Simpson's Bronco chase; Dr. Kimberly Mancini pulls off the wig; the Pine Tar game; "Wu Tang Is For The Children"; and the death of Dana Plato.)

What did I forget?

FOREGONE CONCLUSION OF THE YEAR: Apologies to the annual Pagonging of the doofuses, to the east- and south-biased BCS's annual screwing of a west coast team, and to the fact that at 3:00 on a sunny day my west-facing office will be 95 degrees. This year's Isaac-sponsored ALOTT5MA Foregone Conclusion of the Year was ratified today, when the jury recommended the death penalty for Scott Peterson.

Leaving aside the circumstantial evidence of guilt and lack of remorse so clear that it became sort of an E! News Extra primer on "Anatomy of a Case," this one was in the books before it started. The rule is simple. If you have no personal stake and you've heard about the case, the jury will vote for the death penalty. It is a near-scientific certainty that if you have been identified on the cover of Us Magazine as a capital defendant, you should feel free to take up smoking and fatty foods. There are two decent explanations for this. First, protestations to the contrary aside, juries may be affected by the media coverage or by people who have been affected by the media coverage. Second, the things that make a case sexy to the media are the same things that make it revolting to a jury.

I can think of only two occasionally successful exceptions to this rule: (1) you had a co-defendant worse than you are (Nichols; Malvo); or (2) you got a jury to hang the first time (Menendez brothers). Corollary to (2): Juries generally don't give the death penalty while acquitting (Simpson).

Anything I'm missing?

BAD DIRECTIONS: Shyamalan, Stone, Spielberg, Sayles...Newsweek's David Ansen isn't too fond of this year's films from big name directors whose surnames begins with S, though to be fair, Lars Von Trier and Jean-Pierre Jeunet take it on the nose, too, in his Ten Worst Movies of 2004. Ansen's ten best are here, and just my luck, I've seen two on the worst list and none on the best list, though let the record show that I didn't have to pay for a baby sitter the night I saw The Village and we took the kids to Sky Captain.

Also, just got the EW with Lohanboobies on the cover, and I should note that they, too, are jumping on the Modest Mouse bandwagon, naming it their the CD of the year (or at least the Listen 2 This insert's CD of the year). Just get the thing already.

SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS THE NEXT CHOICE: Although it'll still apparently be called "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve," Regis Philbin will host this year's big ball drop while "The World's Oldest Teenager"continues to recover from his throat. Regis' cohost will not (thank God!) be the ever-annoying Kelly Ripa, but rather, he'll be "joined" in pre-recorded West Coast bits by hostess Ashlee Simpson. For obvious reasons, I love Regis, but couldn't they have chosen someone a little more....er....hip?

THEY'RE SPECIAL: Ladies and gentlemen, you're newest Rock Hall of Fame Inductees--U2, Percy Sledge, The O'Jays, Buddy Guy, and The Pretenders. Sadly there was no posthumous nomination for Dimebag.

MAKING LEVITY OUT OF INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECTS: I'm fairly certain most of our readers have read of the murder of "Dimebag Darrell," former guitarist for the metal band Pantera. According to some news coverage, his assailant screamed "You broke up Pantera" before beginning to pump bullets into his head. What's next?

Fan storms stage during Scott Stapp concert and nails him to a crucifix, shouting "You broke up Creed!"

Fan storms stage during Trey Anastasio concert, steals his weed, and shouts "You broke up Phish!"

Fan storms stage during Natalie Merchant concert and force-feeds her non-vegan foods, shouting "You broke up 10,000 Maniacs!"

Further "Fan storms stage during (artist) concert and (does ridiculous thing), shouting 'You broke up (artist's former band)!'" jokes are invited in the comments.