A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

SOONER, THEN YOU THINK: While Charlie and I are inputting the final punch cards into the ENIAC wannabe we call the patented Mascot Matcher computer, these preliminary results are available as you start to work on your NCAA brackets:

SE 6 v. 11: Utah Runnin' Utes vs. Texas El-Paso Miners: These miners have dug themselves into a hole, and that canary is looking a bit woozy. Besides, the ore belonged to the Utes before we stole their land; the blue sky mining company won't come to UTEP's rescue, and the sugar refining company won't save them. Scalp 'em! Runnin' Utes.

SE 5 v. 12: Michigan State Spartans vs. Old Dominion Monarchs: The austere warriors of ancient times have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one. Spartans live to exercise in the nude another day.

I'm kinda bummin' that there are no Commodores, Musketeers or Jaspers to process this year. But remember: this method is foolproof.