A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

BY POPULAR DEMAND: Variety has transcribed Sacha Baron Cohen's acceptance speech for the Golden Globe for Best Actor - Musical or Comedy. Just remember, this is in his own, polite, British voice, and not in character:

Warren? Where is he? It's 'wha-wha-we-wha.'

I want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press. And I just want to say that this movie was a life-changing experience. I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America. But I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America. A side of America that rarely sees the light of day.

I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian. (Audience laughs as the camera finds Davitian shrugging and raising a wine glass to Cohen.) Ken, when I was in that scene and I stared down and saw your two wrinkled golden globes on my chin, I thought to myself, 'I better win a bloody award for this.'

And then when my 300-pound co-star decided to sit on my face and squeeze the oxygen from my lungs, I was faced with a choice: Death or to breathe in the air that had been trapped in a small pocket between his buttocks for 30 years.

Kenneth, if it was not for that rancid bubble, I would not be here today.

(Music starts as Cohen holds up Globe gesturing to Davitian. He starts rushing through the rest.)

Thank you to Larry Charles, thank you to Jay Roach, thank you to Isla Fisher, my fiancee. Thank you to Peter Baynham, Anthony Hines and Dan Mazer; thank you to Ari Emanuel; Matt Labov; Erran Baron Cohen, my brother who did the music; and to Jason Alper and (unintelligible due to swelling music). And thank you to every American who has not sued me so far. Thank you.