A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

THE AIR-TRAVEL MENAGERIE:

• Uncommonly-Broad-Shouldered Person
  
• Huge Carry-On Guy
  
• The Lady With All That Perfume
  
• The Guy Who Has the Loud and Pointless Conversation on his Cell Phone Until the Flight Crew Gives Him the Final Warning and then the Moment Wheels Are Down He Redials and Picks It Up Again as if He Never Hung Up and then You See Him Again in the Terminal and He’s Still Yammering On Loudly About the Same Basketball Game and Dude I Can Hear You From Across the Concourse So Give it a Rest Already
  
• Twentysomething People in Conservative Clothing Going to D.C. who Could Be Either Democrats or Republicans Because in D.C. the Twentysomething Democrats and Republicans Look Exactly the Same Right Down to the Flag Lapel Pins and Sensible Haircuts
  
• Dr. University of Chicago School of Advanced Medicine Laptop Bag who Doesn’t Ring his Call Button When the Flight Crew Asks for Someone with Medical Training Maybe Because They Didn’t Ask for Someone with Advanced Medical Training
  
• Shushes People Who Sneeze Lady
  
• Just Getting to The DaVinci Code
  
• Feral Pack of People Pretending Not to Understand the Southwest Boarding System
  
• Southwest Employee Who Doesn’t Give a Shit about the Southwest Boarding System
  
• Guy Irrationally Obsessed with Enforcing the Southwest Boarding System (informally known as: “me”)
  
• People Who Give the Evil Eye to People Who Get Into the Southwest Boarding Line Ahead of Them Even Though It’s Not Cutting if You Have a Lower-Numbered Boarding Card
  
• Larry Craig
  
• Unaccompanied Minor
  
• Seductively-Dressed Tween
  
• Guy in Exit Row Who Rolls Eyes and Says “There Goes My Peaceful Flight” when Someone Sits Next to Him Because I Guess He Has Taken Ownership of the Exit Row
  
• Overpays for Last-Minute Souvenirs
  
• Boring Guy Who Won’t Stop Telling Boring Stories about his Boring Family
  
• Girl Who Is Thinking About Jumping Out of Plane to Get Away from Boring Guy
  
• Giant Headphones Guy
  
• Watches Movie on Laptop Without Headphones Guy
  
• Very Friendly Person
  
• Embarrassed by Poor Sudoku Skills
  
• Waits Until At Front of Security-Checkpoint Line Before Removing Shoes, Laptop
  
• Is That Kelly MacDonald? No, It Is Not Kelly MacDonald
  
• People Who Look Like They’re On the Lam
  
• 35-Year-Old Guy Hitting on College Freshman
  
• College Freshman Leading on 35-Year-Old Guy
  
• Guy Who Has a Medical Emergency That Causes Plane to be Diverted to Reno
  
• Guy Who Complains Loudly and to No One About Having to Land in Reno (same as Guy in Exit Row Who Rolls Eyes)
  
• Screaming Kid
  
• Thinks Parents Can Do Something About Screaming Kid Guy
  
• Compulsively Eats Everything Offered to Him (also occasionally known as: “me”)
  
• Peanut Allergy Public Information Officer