A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

[INSERT ORIGINAL HORSES JOKE HERE]: Now that you've had a few hours to digest the intricacies of water polo, Mr. Cosmopolitan is back to provide some insight as to what you'll see over the next couple of weeks at the Yingdong Natatorium:

Water polo is the oldest team sport in the Olympics, having been first contested at the 1900 Paris games, with women competing for the first time in 2000. For complicated historical reasons that I can make up on request, you’ll rarely go wrong backing an Eastern European or Balkan team. Hungary, Yugoslavia (and its descendants), and Russia (and its predecessor) have dominated the sport almost from the beginning. In 1956, this domination by Hungary led to one of the more gruesome Olympic events in history, as Hungary and the Soviet Union met in the pool just months after the Soviet Union had crushed the Hungarian uprising. The match was called in the fourth quarter with Hungary leading 4-0, after multiple players from both sides suffered extensive cuts and injuries. More recently, Spain, Italy, and the United States have fielded quality teams on the men’s side, while the women’s teams are still sorting themselves out. This year, expect the traditional powerhouses to dominate, with Croatia, Hungary, and Spain at the top of the men’s field, and the United States looking for a medal on the women’s side. The men’s first match is against China on August 10 – if we can’t beat them, it will be a long, long tournament. [ETA – the U.S. men won the China opener 8-4, but the game was closer than the score indicates.]

As far as particular players to watch, the U.S. team is composed almost exclusively of 6’ 3” blonde Californian guys. So nothing to see, really. The women are similarly unappealing. On the men’s side, THE GUY is Tony Azevado, 4-time NCAA player of the year. He’s good. On the women’s side, Brenda Villa is a three-time Olympian, and the rare polo player who scores consistently despite being just 5’4”. [Thereby offering a ray of hope to Mr. Cosmopolitan that his offspring might someday follow in his footsteps despite his suboptimally heighted wife -- ed.]

Finally, a few things to look for (and mention) and thus impress your many Croatian friends:

1. The players rarely, if ever, miss a pass. Don’t take this for granted – it takes an incredible amount of skill, balance, and stamina to both throw and catch (with one hand) a ball that is zipping around at serious speed. Compare how often a polo player misses a pass to how often the puck or ball doesn’t get where it’s supposed to go in a hockey or soccer match.
2. The offensive player with his back to the goal is known as the “hole man.” Leaving a hole man’s backhand open is just as dangerous as leaving him open on the front, since there’s nothing cooler than a good backhand.
3. The goalies are incredibly good – when the ball is in their end, many goalies will tread water up to their suits for 10 seconds at a time, and they can cover the whole net. The best way to beat a good goalie is either with a skip shot off the water, or go directly over his head (alternately known as a doughnut or a bunny ears shot).
4. Another good way to beat a goalie is to fake a hard shot, and then lob the ball over his head. Properly executed, you not only get a goal out of the shot, but a great image of a goalie flailing madly as the ball goes over his head.

That’s it for the initial dispatch. Updates as events warrant.