A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

THIS IS THE SECOND NOTICE: This is the second notice [the n+1th second notice, where n = the number of times we have left this exact same message on your office phone, cell phone, and wife's phone] that the factory warranty for your vehicle [we don't know what vehicle you own, or if you own a vehicle, or if you're old enough to drive, or if you're old enough to pedal a bicycle, or if you live in a country where people of your sex are allowed to use vehicles] is about to expire [where "about" is less than or equal to the entire warranty life of your vehicle]. If you would like to extend your warranty, you must call us [calling us will not result in any extension of any warranty] at [number, where you may be asked to leave your social security and credit card numbers while also providing confirmation that this number is a live line that we may aggregate on a list of non-do-not-call numbers for sale to telemarketers who can then call you at work or while you're driving].