A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

PRESENT IN THE CREDITS, YET HAD NO STORYLINE AT ALL: Moderately frequent commenter Adlai and I both lost touch with Degrassi: The Next Generation a few years ago, and we both got sucked into the marathon this weekend. In a superficial way, the show has gone in a new direction (hiring a few actually attractive actors, though it also still employs many that would be illegally homely on US television). Thankfully, the storylines still seem to have been outlined by an insane person. Anyway, this led both Adlai and I to the most gloriously batshit-insane corner of all Wikidom, the Degrassi character summary page. Near-illiterate Canadian tweens distilling the essence of characters on an incomprehensible show? Sign me up. Witness the delicate beauty of these quotes:

• "[T]hey eventually form a relationship after having sex. She gets spit on and attacked by Connor who has a mental disability."
• "Finds a friend in Mia, but after discovering she was being forced to do sexual acts the two ended their friendship. ... [S]he becomes a pathological liar, just to fit in with Danny and his friends."
• "Clare is at Degrassi for one reason and one reason only: to learn. However, things change when she meets K.C. and gets caught with a vibrator during class."
• "In season 8, an artsy guy named Blue finds an interest in her, but when she falls for him just to lose her virginity, she gets rejected. Her family then becomes bankrupt."
• "She breaks up with Spinner when she finds out that Spinner did not tell her that he did not get accepted in police college."

Now that, my friends, is operatic drama. Also, from the Wiki page for Lauren Collins, legendarily miscast as queen bee Paige Michalchuk: "Lauren was born in Thornhill, Ontario and is Jewish. She may move to Los Angeles." There's so much going on in between the lines there -- hidden judgments, implicit therefores, furtive hopes. So engrossing.