A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

HE'S A GENIUS. HE'S GOT ALL THESE PLANS TO MEET HIS GOALS THAT ALWAYS WORK ON PAPER, BUT HIS SUCCESS RECORD ISN'T SO HOT: Why Sideshow Bob = Billy Beane, and twenty-nine other baseball teams and their Simpsons equivalents. And then I remembered that someone else did this (better) five years ago. Oh, times have changed:

2005:
Tampa Bay Devil Rays - Hans Moleman - Whenever they're on TV, you can virtually guarantee that they're hopelessly overmatched and that something bad is going to happen to them. You could start feeling bad for them, but then you remember that you don't care.

2010:
Tampa Bay Rays: Professor John Frink - In recent years, Tampa has been one of the sharpest franchises in baseball. The Rays won a pennant despite playing in the toughest division in baseball's superior league. Now enjoying their third straight winning season, they should return to the playoffs for the second time this year, despite having one of the lowest payrolls. In that regard, they're a good match for the smartest man in Springfield.

That said, it's hard for me to think of the franchise without recalling its first bungling decade of existence when it couldn't do anything right. That also makes the Rays a good fit for Frink, who can't remember to carry the one, even when it means warding off elementary chaos theory that tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.

2005
Philadelphia Phillies - Milhouse Van Houten - Lack of adequate vision (blind without his glasses, hanging on to Jim Thome). Perpetual sidekick to a more successful leader who constantly takes advantage of their weaknesses. Striving for a goal (Lisa's affection, the playoffs) that looks unattainable in their current state, and nobody really takes them seriously.

2010
Philadelphia Phillies: Rainier Wolfcastle - Wolfcastle is the big, powerful movie star. The Phillies are the big, powerful offensive team. Okay, their homers are down this year, but they led the league in HR by a ton last year, and the year before, and came in second the year before that. That's a good comp for the strongest man on The Simpsons.

No matter what year it is, the Yankees remain C. Montgomery Burns, and the Padres are Dr. Julius Hibbert.