Wednesday, August 31, 2011

DRAWBACKS OF A CLASSICAL EDUCATION: I list five iconic male roles in which Helen Mirren would have been terrible:
  • Jeff Spicoli, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. This is not a role that would benefit from a dignity (quiet or otherwise) that announces itself as it fills the room. "You dick!" is a lamentation of injury, not a cry of defiance.
  • Mookie, Do the Right Thing. There is a smallness to Mookie, a nibbling-about-the-edges that is essential to convey his relationship with his neighborhood and to the flimsy racial detente within it. Also, what would the Italians have against Helen Mirren?
  • Ennis Del Mar, Brokeback Mountain. I don't know, it just feels like casting Helen Mirren here would have changed the whole dynamic.
  • Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights. Anybody can wear a 12-inch prosthetic penis, but not everybody could pull it off. I don't mean literally. Literally, if there were a prosthetic penis attached to Helen Mirren, I think she would be able to remove it, barring unusual methods of adhesion or I suppose if it had been attached at the exact spot in her back where she can't quite reach it. So please read that sentence figuratively.
  • Howard the Duck, Howard the Duck. In fairness to Helen Mirren, imagine anybody not sucking in this role.
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14 comments:

  1. Adlai12:57 PM

    If you think about it, she would have been pretty good in most of the roles in Center Stage - Eva, Maureen, Peter Gallagher, etc. Probably not great as Cooper Nielsen, but I'd love to see it. 

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  2. Matt12:58 PM

    Helen Mirren replacing Lea Thompson in Howard the Duck, though?  Potential.

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  3. Adam1:20 PM

    She would have been great as the Winklevii.

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  4. isaac_spaceman2:00 PM

    It doesn't really create a believability problem, that's for sure.  Nobody would go, "the romantic interest for the duck is too old/British," because what does the duck care how old she is?  I don't even know if ducks can tell how old people are.  I sure as hell can't tell how old ducks are. 

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  5. Benner3:15 PM

    There are two of them.

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  6. Meghan3:56 PM

    She'd have kicked ass as Stephanie Zinoni in Grease 2.  Just sayin'.

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  7. Meghan3:57 PM

    Admittedly not a male role, but whatever.  If she sang "Cool Rider," it would be fantastic.

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  8. Paul Tabachneck7:01 PM

    I've gotta say, I'm surprised Robin hasn't responded to this.

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  9. spacewoman10:32 PM

    She would have been a lot more believable on the motorcycle.

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  10. Robin12:13 AM

    Paul, I just got here.  And here is what I have to say: this is my favorite ALOTT5MA post in weeks, which is saying something, especially considering we also got that DELIGHTFUL business with the British dude pretending to be Alan Rickman singing Candle in the Wind today. 

    But I'm greedy, and now I really want to conscript the collective brain power of the Thing Throwers to determine if there exists an actor in the known universe who could play Howard the Duck well.  Paul Giamatti, maybe?

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  11. isaac_spaceman11:05 AM

    I'll reflect back on you and say Alan Rickman.  "On my planet we don't die.  We say -- hey ... not ... ... my ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    shorts" [no punctuation, so you don't know if he's done, but he's done]

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  12. Bobby6:28 PM

    I'm not sure she would have done well as the title character in the original "Shaft."

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  13. mikee9:38 AM

    She would have had a hard time replacing the shark in Jaws, but might have been able to do an adequate job with current CGI effects added. Although I bet she would have objected to being blown up with a scuba tank at the end.

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  14. isaac_spaceman3:32 PM

    Pretty sure that there's a law that says that only Andy Serkis is allowed to play motion-capture characters.

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