TODAY'S SIGN THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH: Lauren Conrad is now a NYT bestselling author.

IN WHICH THE SHAMING FUNCTION IS DEPLOYED BY NIGEL LYTHGOE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION: And so we've got ourselves a top ten! (Not that it matters, given that the top ten has functionally become a top twelve.) One big surprise in the bottom three couples, obviously, although those two should be glad it happened, because that solo showed us just how much of a frontrunner one of the guys might be.

As we were told repeatedly last night, the power now shifts to the people. A lot will depend on how the random new pairings go -- as we saw last year with Twitch and Kherington, leaving that comfort zone behind can be hazardous to one's health. Here are my suggestions for how the Sorting Hat should proceed.

Melissa and Kupono: Kupono has a litheness that hasn't been played to full advantage terribly often. Melissa's long lines could elicit something special from him, and Kupono's quirkiness may marry well with Melissa's grace.

Kayla and Ade: I am sold on Ade's greatness, which I never was when he was partnered with Melissa. And I am only somewhat sold on Kayla's, although I remain awed by her work in the addiction routine. So go forth together and bring us some greatness.

Janette and Jason: She's been on a tear lately, but tends toward the cartoonish. He's talented, but could use some more emotion. Maybe together they can form one appropriately demeanored couple.

Jeanine and Evan: I don't know how tall Jeanine is vis-à-vis Evan, but she presents somewhat small, which may make Evan's graduation from Randi somewhat less traumatic. And they each have an actorly dramatic side, which could make for a strong coupling. Regardless of who Evan gets this week, he's got to find a deeper emotional base.

Philip and Caitlin: Opposites attract, right? She's petite and graceful while he's hangdog and dorky, but they're each rubbery in their own way and might bring out something special in each other.

Randi and Brandon: This one is a little bit of a "who's left?" rather than an affirmative inspiration. I worry a bit that putting two chirpy people together might be too noisy. But Randi is the opposite of Janette's high dramatic style, and might give Brandon a chance to take the lead and shine a bit. And Brandon could give Randi a bit of inspirational heft.

And lastly, combining two of our recent obsessions, here's Wade Robson's 2003 tribute to his boyhood friend Michael Jackson. (Wade's only 25, with a not-exactly-mainstream childhood . . . I wonder if he's got potential to develop into Jacko-level oddity.)

I'M JUST A GIRL, STANDING NEXT TO A GUY, HOPING HE WON'T FART: Can we hit 100 #1stdraftmovielines by noon? Then again, hope is a bad thing, maybe the worst of things, and many such things fall short ...

SO YOU'RE PRETTY STRONG WITH BASEBALL? You'd think we were done with the trials and tribulations of Moneyball, but it seems we are not. Sony's bringing in yet another scribe to rework the screenplay. This one has a little bit of experience of writing about sports--in fact, 44 episodes worth of a little show called Sports Night--apparently with an eye toward credits like "Screen Story/Adaptation by Steven Zaillian, Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin." This could get very interesting.

THIS IS HOW OUR ROBOT OVERLORDS WILL GET THEIR COLLECTIVE FOOT IN THE DOOR: Over the last few years, there has been a quantum leap forward in baseball knowledge as a result of PitchFX, a system installed now in every major league park that tracks every pitch with incredible accuracy. By measuring and plotting location at every point between release and the plate (or contact), PitchFX shows how much a pitch breaks (both vertically and laterally), when it breaks, and how much a pitcher's fastball "hides" his breaking ball (i.e., what is the difference between the arc of different pitches, and when can a batter start to distinguish those arcs?). PitchFX's algorithm will even tell you, based on trajectory and speed, what kind of pitch it is, and will associate every pitch with a result, letting you aggregate data in an infinite number of ways. Because the Internet is awesome, you can even go over to Brooks Baseball and play with the tool yourself. (Coming soon, as I may already have mentioned: HitFX, which will track the speed, location, and trajectory of batted balls.)

Modern technology is now much more accurate than Questec, the old new technology that baseball used (or maybe uses?) to evaluate its umpires. It is capable of giving us accurate, instantaneous information about whether a pitch is a ball or strike. Dave Cameron at Fangraphs and Jeff Sullivan at Lookout Landing, among probably millions of others, are now asking: why do we still have umpires calling balls and strikes? Inconsistency among umpires, unnecessary error rates, players and managers getting thrown out for arguing, and different strike zones depending upon the prior success of the guy on the mound -- what about that is worth defending? Or, as Sullivan quotes Tom Tango as asking, if baseball started with a system that provided 100% accuracy on balls and strikes, would we now advocate junking it in favor of the present system?

NAILED: That frequent ALOTT5MA bête noire Lenny Dykstra now claims less than $50,000 in assets compared to $20-50MM in debt in his bankruptcy petition is not the interesting part -- no, it's the delusional open letter to his fans that compelled me to post again:

Although I am saddened and a bit embarrassed that I had no choice but to resort to this action, at least I am in good company. . . .

Two of our greatest presidents, Thomas Jefferson (filed several times) and Abraham Lincoln, were able to restructure their lives through bankruptcy and went on to do great things such as helping to establish the University of Virginia and abolishing slavery.

Ulysses S. Grant went bankrupt after leaving office when a partner in an investment-banking venture swindled him. (I can certainly identify with this one.)

William McKinley filed for protection while serving as Ohio's governor in 1893 ...

I'LL FOLLOW HIM AROUND THE HORN, AND AROUND THE NORWAY MAELSTROM, AND AROUND PERDITION'S FLAMES BEFORE I GIVE HIM UP: From the first chapter of the upcoming Finding Calvin and Hobbes, it is unclear whether the author succeeded in securing an interview with the most important and talented literary recluse of the 20th century. But the introduction to this sort-of biography of Bill Watterson and Calvin and Hobbes - which you can get free from the author (ping him at lookingforcalvinandhobbes@gmail.com) - sure makes me hope he succeeded.

THE CANADIANS--THEY WALK AMONG US: Tim Horton's is invading Manhattan, taking over some Dunkin' Donuts franchise locations in the city after Dunkin' terminated the franchise agreement.

PIPE DOWN, ENGLISH MUFFIN: So yeah, there was a whole lot of dancing on SYTYCD tonight. I know this isn't the first time that the week of 12 has been a twofer week, but I can't help wondering whether Nigel Lythgoe watched the my-show-runneth-over shenanigans on American Idol this season and thought to himself oh yeah? well maybe i'll just squeeze 12 dances plus two sets of clip sequences per dance into two hours without breaking a sweat, just to show that i can. And then you factor in Cat's mention of Studio 57 54 not once but twice, and things start to look like a beat-up-on-AI session.

Dancing is not something that normally makes me cry. Mia's dead father with the flowers didn't do it, Jean Marc Generaux's handicapped daughter didn't do it, all of the various I-love-you-I-can't-breathe-I-love-you-you-make-my-heart-hurt-please-don't-go-to-Iraq routines don't do it. But apparently there's one thing that makes me cry, and that's a nice heartwarming addiction dance. This is only the second Mia Michaels routine of this season, and for those who are new to the show, it's the kind of gut-wrenching emotional firestorm that makes Mia's work some of the most memorable that SYTYCD has to offer. Kayla and Kupono danced it gorgeously, and I was just all kinds of misty.

There were other, less weepy things I really liked. Brandon and Janette certainly picked a good week to have a good week. It's no secret that I think Wade is the rock star of SYTYCD, but the perfection of the dancers' movements on his jewel heist routine was something to behold. When the jidges tell people to "hit it harder," this is what they mean. And then that tango -- I spent the whole time thinking isn't this a lot more complicated than every other tango we've ever seen? The thing where Brandon kind of spun Janette between his legs like she was some sort of knock-your-opponent-into-the-water rotating log was crazy cool, and the tango is one of the only dances where making goofy melodramatic faces is basically required. So, like, yay for them.

Melissa and Ade were pretty much the same as they always are: excellent without knocking my socks off. I did take notice of Ade during the disco routine -- he seemed much more comfortable and in the moment than Melissa did. (Although Melissa did have some rockin' Tarted Up Sandy tell me about it, stud hair during that disco number, no?) Ditto Jeanine during the jive. Philip is way lucky that he got a Tony Meredith jive rather than a Benji Schwimmer swing, because man, could you imagine Philip trying to do one of those slide on the heel of a shoe maneuvers across the stage? But popping Philip into a sailor suit and letting Jeanine shimmy and bump him around worked quite well.

I really enjoyed the latest effort to mortify Evan and Randi, this time through pregnancy. It's not that Randi is the best dancer on the show, but she just exudes happiness when she's on the stage in a really endearing way. Which of course caused problems for them during the samba -- the samba is not a chirpy happy boppy dance, and Randi is clearly just not comfortable with the idea of being a sex object. Oh, and speaking of discomfort, how awkward was that Russian folk thing and the judges' efforts not to offend the entire Russian population by telling them that their national folk dance just isn't cutting it on SYTYCD?

Equally awkward was the criticism of Kayla and Kupono's Broadway routine. I'm not sure that the dancers were ever told all this business about the "hardness" of West Side Story or the need to "take the floor with them." Kayla and Kupono seemed more bemused than anything by the comments, especially given that what we saw of Joey Dowling's coaching was a lot more you're in love! you're in love! than get down and dirty as Leonard Bernstein and Jerome Robbins would have wanted you to. So that was weird for me.

And then there's Caitlin and Jason. They weren't memorable, but they also weren't terrible. The lifts and kicks during the foxtrot were gorgeous, but the actual foxtrotting in between the tricks was kind of leadfooted. And the lyrical jazz routine was enjoyable, but not terribly memorable. But then again, with the exception of the Sabra/Neil office dance from Season 3, I can't think of any really great Mandy Moore routines, so I don't think that pulling Mandy's name did Caitlin and Jason any favors.

Bottom three: Caitlin/Jason, Jeanine/Philip, and . . . I don't know. Probably Kayla and Kupono given their prior track record (much as it pains me, given the addiction dance), but does the chirpy samba bring down Randi and Evan for the first time? For the guys, it shouldn't matter, as I suspect that Philip's number is up, but the jidges have been awfully whiny about Evan lately. As for the girls, I can't see the jidges keeping Caitlin over Jeanine or Kayla, barring another of those manic Kayla solos that the jidges rightly keep criticizing.

YOUR SPECTACLE FIZZLED: A new quartet of Top Chef Masters, albeit our first without a mega-name chef like Bayliss, Keller or Dufresne in the mix. Still, who needs celebrity chefs when we've got NPH in the house? Well, actually, it would have been nice -- he didn't quite bring the legendary, though he did bring his boyfriend (who, as Dan Fienberg notes, was never identified as such) -- and the cooking was more "gosh, that's kinda neat to look at" than "I really want to eat it and then learn to cook it myself." A surprisingly weak episode, much like a lit coconut shell that never went fully aflame.

TEENAGE LOBOTOMY? In an effort to make an awards show even less meaningful, the Teen Choice Awards announced its "summer movie" categories (along with a few others) today--I assume in an effort to have some awards not go to Twilight or HSM. Bizarreness of note:

• Movies not yet released getting nominations--Orphan, Bruno, Funny People, The Ugly Truth, I Love You, Beth Cooper, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince, Aliens In The Attic
• Movies and TV decidedly inappropriate for teens getting nominations--Ugly Truth (which is reportedly a very hard R), The Hangover, True Blood
• Inexplicable acting/performing nominations--Megan Fox, Ashley Tisdale, Paris Hilton
• The category "Choice Celebrity Dancer," featuring Miley Cyrus, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Shawn Johnson, and Lady GaGa.
• The category "Choice Twit," which, despite featuring nominee Kim Kardashian, is apparently for "awesomest celebrity to follow on Twitter." Sadly, @feliciaday is not nominated.
  

THAT PIPE DOESN'T TO GO THE MARSHMALLOW ROOM; IT GOES TO THE FUDGE ROOM: Area man dies in vat of molten chocolate. Apparently, we have video.

CHEFTESTANTS: Competitors and judges for the upcoming Vegas-based season of Top Chef have been announced, including two Philadelphia-based Jennifers who are not my wife whose new book comes out next Tuesday and you have to buy it and also she's going on tour -- Jennifer Zavala of El Camino Real and Jennifer Carroll of Eric Ripert's 10 Arts, which I have to say is not that good. The season debuts August 26.

LOOK FOR WILL FORTE TO WIN A SENATE SEAT IN 2022: Following in the tradition of Joliet Jake, Wayne, Pat, Beldar, and, yes, Stuart, MacGruber is headed to the big screen.

15 Movies That Were Almost Turned Into TV Series

AND STARRING COUSIN OLIVER AS BOOGER: With the quite good 10 Things I Hate About You series making its TV debut last night and Parenthood and Eastwick coming this fall, Premium Hollywood has a great list of 15 Movies That Were Almost Turned Into TV Series, ranging from Al Bundy as Popeye Doyle in the French Connection to Harold and Maude's Bud Cort as Norman Bates' roommate in a Psycho-based series. And yes, that's Cousin Oliver playing Booger in the Revenge of the Nerds clip. Considering some of the awful, awful movies turned TV series that did make it to the tube (for every M*A*S*H and FNL there are more Delta Houses and Ferris Buellers) it amazing some of these never saw the light of day, though in the case of the Revenge of the Nerds it's understandable.

FRIEND REQUEST ACCEPTED: There's a pretty comprehensive (and quite favorable) review of Aaron Sorkin's script for The Social Network (aka, "The Movie About Facebook") out on the Internet, along with reports that Michael Cera and Shia LeBoeuf are being courted for the lead role of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. It's no secret that Sorkin has a group of ensemble players who he likes to work with (Whitford, Malina, Huffman, in particular), but they all skew more than a little old for the parts here, which are heavily 20-somethings. So, what 20-something performers do you want to see grapple with the Sorkinese? My proposal--Elisabeth Moss, who we know from TWW can handle the Sorkinese and has handled the related language of Mametese quite well.

DID NO ONE MENTION THE OVERWHELMING BUFFITUDE OF DESMOND RICHARDSON? After some mostly TV-free R&R over the last couple of weeks, I'm back to the (so you think you can) dancing! Going into tonight's top twelve, I find myself oddly ambivalent about most of the dancers. Here's the state of the universe according to me:

• Kupono: Discount-bin Mark Kanemura.
• Kayla: All hype, no payoff. We had The Leg back in season one -- its name was Melody -- and beyond that I just don't get it.
• Brandon and Janette: I like their dancing fine, but the faces are killing me -- Janette's when she dances and Brandon's kind of vacant puppy dog smile. (Love me! Choose me!)
• Philip: We've had amazing hip hoppy dancers on the show before. This is nothing new. But unlike many of them (Hok and Twitch and some guy named Joshua Allen), Philip hasn't had a single breakout non-hip hop performance in four weeks. Can they give a guy a slot on the tour just to do one cool popping solo?
• Jeanine: The potential is there, and she's cute and likeable and all that, but thus far has labored under the shadow of her hoppy poppy partner. I'm keeping my eye on her for when the partners change up.
• Caitlin and Jason: I find Caitlin compelling, although I realize I am in a dwindling minority. It might just be that she's cute and I'm a sucker for a front aerial. As for Jason, he's another one I'm hoping will break out once he's got a new partner.
• Melissa and Ade: I'm missing something. I'm just missing something. They're great, they're lovely, they're dancing the pants off of most of the other couples, but not once have I felt moved to pick up a telephone on their behalf.
• Evan and Randi: I love them. This is the only pair about whom I legitimately care. I think they've gotten really lucky on their genre draws -- the butt, the jive, and the Rich Man's Frug (which I loved, incidentally, regardless of what Nigel said about Evan's wrists) are all the kinds of dances that get people dialing. I do harbor some concern that they may fall flat once they have to pair up with new partners, a concern I don't really have about Ade or Melissa.

Last year, when it came time to pick the touring ten, there were two couples who were head and shoulders above everyone else: (1) Twitch and Kherington and (2) Joshua and Katee. (Note that three of those four ended up being the top three overall.) So I guess we're in the same position now as then -- two couples leading the pack and everyone else scrambling to be noticed. I guess I just prefer Mark and Chelsie and Courtney and Gev to Kupono and Janette and Kayla and Philip.

LONG DISTANCE DEDICATION: Casey Kasem finally hangs up the American Top 40 microphone this weekend; in his honor, most of you know which NSFW outtake this is.

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO REFRAIN FROM STANDING ON MY NECK: Finally, Daria is coming out on DVD.

TIM MCCLELLAND, COME ON DOWN! A ridiculously hard quiz on the baseball rule book, on which I only got 3/10 correct. (HT: Baseball Primer.)

NEVER CAN SAY GOODBYE -- EXCEPT TODAY, OF COURSE, WHEN EVERY NETWORK IN AMERICA IS SUSPENDING NORMAL COVERAGE TO DO SO: If you're watching the memorial service for Michael Jackson, feel free to let the rest of us know if anything remarkable (literally: "worthy of being remarked upon") happens.

e.t.a. My favorite coverage -- the Sasha Frere-Jones et al liveblog for The New Yorker.

PRESENT IN THE CREDITS, YET HAD NO STORYLINE AT ALL: Moderately frequent commenter Adlai and I both lost touch with Degrassi: The Next Generation a few years ago, and we both got sucked into the marathon this weekend. In a superficial way, the show has gone in a new direction (hiring a few actually attractive actors, though it also still employs many that would be illegally homely on US television). Thankfully, the storylines still seem to have been outlined by an insane person. Anyway, this led both Adlai and I to the most gloriously batshit-insane corner of all Wikidom, the Degrassi character summary page. Near-illiterate Canadian tweens distilling the essence of characters on an incomprehensible show? Sign me up. Witness the delicate beauty of these quotes:

• "[T]hey eventually form a relationship after having sex. She gets spit on and attacked by Connor who has a mental disability."
• "Finds a friend in Mia, but after discovering she was being forced to do sexual acts the two ended their friendship. ... [S]he becomes a pathological liar, just to fit in with Danny and his friends."
• "Clare is at Degrassi for one reason and one reason only: to learn. However, things change when she meets K.C. and gets caught with a vibrator during class."
• "In season 8, an artsy guy named Blue finds an interest in her, but when she falls for him just to lose her virginity, she gets rejected. Her family then becomes bankrupt."
• "She breaks up with Spinner when she finds out that Spinner did not tell her that he did not get accepted in police college."

Now that, my friends, is operatic drama. Also, from the Wiki page for Lauren Collins, legendarily miscast as queen bee Paige Michalchuk: "Lauren was born in Thornhill, Ontario and is Jewish. She may move to Los Angeles." There's so much going on in between the lines there -- hidden judgments, implicit therefores, furtive hopes. So engrossing.

600 CHANNELS, AND MAYBE NOW SOMETHING ON: At least for those of us not terribly interested in determining who thinks they can dance, this summer has been low-quality on the TV front, aside from ABC's Saturday Summer Burn-Off (ah, Eli Stone, how I missed thee!) and USA's Thursdays (Royal Pains! It's like Burn Notice, except with a doctor in the Hamptons!). Tonight, though, three premieres of potential interest:

• Warehouse 13, the new SyFy flagship to go along with the new name, which I'd watch just because it's co-created by Jane Espenson, who, in addition to having writen for every Whedon show, has also written for BSG, Gilmore Girls, and even an episode of The O.C. I'll give the woman who created the epithet "Cap'n Tightpants" a shot, especially since Our Friend Alan calls the show "very promising."
• Great American Road Trip, a BBC production that NBC will air, which looks like a TAR: Family Edition knockoff, coupled with a kitschy Americana travelogue. Yes, that might well have been the worst season of TAR, but bad TAR is better than reruns, right?
• 10 Things I Hate About You, a new ABC Family series based on the superior teen film. Admittedly, only one member of the original film cast (Larry Miller) is returning for the series, with the others having either aged out of their parts (all the teen characters) or gotten too famous to reprise them (Allison Janney). Still, the original movie was among the best of that period of the teen comedies, so they're working from something.
  

OF COURSE, THEY'LL PROBABLY SAVE HIM FOR THE 10TH THROUGH 16TH INNINGS: That thing I like to say about how the MLB All-Star Game ought to have one slot per team to be filled by a player "who ought to be honored by Baseball Nation as a whole in this marquee event during the twilight of his career"? Yeah, Tim Wakefield qualifies.

Now go ahead and kvetch about who got snubbed.

BRING BACK HANK AND OLGA: Via occasional commenter Chuck, this report from a cable channel that Comcast Digital Cable doesn't carry in Philadelphia:

During a rain delay, started flipping. The Game Show Network was showing its new Newlywed Game, hosted by Carnie Wilson. I thought it was great.

1. Carnie may not be as funny as Bob Eubanks, but she comes across as friendly and does her job -- she gets the contestants to explain their answers.

2. They did not really tinker with a good formula -- most of the show is exactly like the old one, no super special effects or quirks. There were some very funny moments. One question, to the ladies, was "would you rather live in a one bedroom house with only one child or a 12 bedroom house with 12 children." One of women actually picked the 12. So the men come out. One guy says, "definitely one" and when asked to explain why he says, "we've talked about this a lot, she wants two, at most." And he was right. The next guy says "definitely one." Why? "There is just zero chance, zero, that she would want 12 kids." He was wrong. another good one: question: if your husband had a top to bottom mental and physical exam, would he most likely be referred to Dr. Phil, Dr. Atkins, or Dr. Ruth. One woman: " Dr. Phil, 'cause there's a lot going on up there. " His answer, "Dr. Phil. [Why?] She says I've got a lot going on." One woman said Dr. Ruth, to her husband's great dismay, although she did explicitly say "not for problems, just for tips."

3. They did add one very nice new element . The "lightning round" part of the show, so to speak, or "end game" or what have you, pits the couple that just won against a "Goldy-wed" couple -- a couple that appeared on the original Newlywed Game in the 70s. It's brilliant. And of course, they show footage of the couple on the show 30 years ago, and then you see them now. They ask 15 questions to both couples in semi-lightning fashion -- the women apparently answered the questions off camera and have their placards ready; they then ask the guys the questions , on camera, at a quick but still leisurely pace, and the couple that gets more right gets the "big" prize (last night a tv that I would value at $1,000 -- maybe). Well last night, those 30 years did the Goldy-weds almost no good. They got NONE right in the lightning round. Neither did the Newlyweds either -- including one hilarious flop: question: if you could live anywhere in the world, where you would live? Husband's guess: "Greece." Her answer: "Long Island." Just, the idea that someone who could live anywhere would say "Long Island" was hilarious (especially without saying "The Hamptons" or something like that). The tiebreaker was sort of lame. The women were asked, ahead of time, to guess how many of the 15 lightning round questions they'd get right, and the couple that was closer to their actual score won. The goldy-weds guessed 9, the newlyweds 10, so the goldy-weds got their tv.

4. In the world of Tivo/DVR, you can sort of play along at home with your spouse. You can pause, have one of you write down the answer, and then the other guesses. You make up the lost time during the ads.

MONGO COME TOO EARLY FOR P-TOWN BEAR WEEK. MONGO MAD: Your latest from the Cape Cod Times:

An Orleans man is due to court today to face charges he punched a police horse Saturday night.... Christopher McEnaney, 18, was arrested and charged with assault on a police horse and resisting arrest after he allegedly punched a horse from the Plymouth County Sheriff's Office, one of the mounted patrol horses ridden during town's July 4 festivities, Provincetown police Sgt. Carrie Lopes said.

McEnaney is accused of punching the horse, Fred, in the animal's flank at about 10:20 p.m. while the mounted patrol officers were in the area of Ryder Street and Commercial Street, Lopes said.

The horse was not hurt.

He saw the operation you tried to pull today/But your humiliation means he still votes “neigh”...

THE ROOM THE PANEL IS SLATED TO BE HELD IN APPEARS MUCH SMALLER FROM THE OUTSIDE: There are many dorky panels at Comic-Con. The dorkiest, however, seems likely to be the one which will allegedly announce a Doctor Who movie (featuring David Tennant). I know Our Friend Alan Sepinwall is attending (as moderator of a Chuck panel, which will also feature Levi, Strahovski, and Schwartz)--any other ThingThrowers going?

WHERE HAVE ALL MY FRIENDS GONE? THEY'VE ALL DISAPPEARED COME BACK: Between the Jayhawks reuniting, not one but two pieces in this weekend's NYT about Jeff Tweedy/Wilco and a new Son Volt album this week, I couldn't help but wonder: is it 1995 all over again?

F15: This year will assuredly mark the third time in the last four years that I will complain about Roger Federer's not winning SI's Sportsman of the Year (2008 was Phelps' year, granted). In describing his greatness, I defer to the late David Foster Wallace, from a 2006 essay for the NYT:

Roger Federer is one of those rare, preternatural athletes who appear to be exempt, at least in part, from certain physical laws. Good analogues here include Michael Jordan, who could not only jump inhumanly high but actually hang there a beat or two longer than gravity allows, and Muhammad Ali, who really could “float” across the canvas and land two or three jabs in the clock-time required for one. There are probably a half-dozen other examples since 1960. And Federer is of this type — a type that one could call genius, or mutant, or avatar. He is never hurried or off-balance. The approaching ball hangs, for him, a split-second longer than it ought to. His movements are lithe rather than athletic. Like Ali, Jordan, Maradona, and Gretzky, he seems both less and more substantial than the men he faces. Particularly in the all-white that Wimbledon enjoys getting away with still requiring, he looks like what he may well (I think) be: a creature whose body is both flesh and, somehow, light.

LOL REVOLUTIONCATS:
From: jadams@mass.col
Sent: July 3, 1776, 2:38 p.m.
To: benf@penn.col; tomjeff@monticello.com; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: RE: George

And so I was like George, chill out, just have some tea and stop the drama for a minute and he goes "TEA, great idea, comes from somewhere, goes somewhere else, I tax it everywhere, gonna put some CHROME on my CARRIAGE." So I said, George, do you really mean that? And he goes, "got a problem with it? Let's have a drink and talk about it IN LONDON see you in seven months hope you don't get scurvy on the boat over ha ha." I mean what could I do, he just doesn't get it

--------------------

From: livingstonipresume@ny.col
Sent: July 3, 1776, 2:47 p.m.
To: jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; tomjeff@monticello.com; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: RE: George

that dude crazy ;)

--------------------

From: tomjeff@monticello.com
Sent: July 3, 1776, 3:21 p.m.
To: jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col; george@empire.gov
Subject: FW: RE: George

LOL I swear if he sends out one more swarm of Officers to eat out our substance I'm going to oppose with manly firmness his crotch with my foot. Got my back, G-Dub?

--------------------

From: rsherman@conn.col
Sent: July 3, 1776, 3:22 p.m.
To: jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; tomjeff@monticello.com
Subject: RE: George

DUDE G-DUB IS WASHINGTON@MTV.COM

--------------------

From: livingstonipresume@ny.col
Sent: July 3, 1776, 3:22 p.m.
To: jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; tomjeff@monticello.com; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: RE: George

SHIT SHIT SHIT

--------------------

From: george@empire.gov
Sent: July 3, 1776, 5:00 p.m.
To: tomjeff@monticello.com; jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col;
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

Gentlement or shld I even call U gentlement. U may not like evrything ido but at least I don't talk behind ur back. If U have something to say to me U shld at least be man enuf to say it to my face

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
KING GEORGE WILLIAM FREDERICK
OF THE HOUSE OF HANOVER
SO ORDAINED BY THE WILL OF OUR LORD
"It's Good to Be the King" – Mel Brooks

--------------------

From: livingstonipresume@ny.col
Sent: July 3, 1776, 5:01 p.m.
To: jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; tomjeff@monticello.com; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

SHIT SHIT SHIT

--------------------

From: jadams@mass.col;
Sent: July 3, 1776, 5:49 p.m.
To: livingstonipresume@ny.col; benf@penn.col; tomjeff@monticello.com; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

Dude. He sounds like he's on The Bachelorette except stupider.

SENT FROM MY iPHONE

--------------------

From: benf@penn.col;
Sent: July 3, 1776, 8:32 p.m.
To: george@empire.gov
cc: tomjeff@monticello.com; jadams@mass.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col;
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

George, please calm down. Obviously this wasn't the best way for this to come up. I'm sure Tom's language was stronger than he intended.

--------------------

From: george@empire.gov
Sent: July 4, 1776, 3:22 a.m.
To: tomjeff@monticello.com; jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col;
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

NO FUDGE THAT I AM THE KING BEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT MEANS THAT WHEN YOU SAY I AM NOT THE KING OF YOU YOUR WRONG. IF YOU DONT LIKE THE WAY I RUN AMERICA THEN GO BACK TO FRANCE YOU FRENCHMONGER

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
KING GEORGE WILLIAM FREDERICK
OF THE HOUSE OF HANOVER
SO ORDAINED BY THE WILL OF OUR LORD
"It's Good to Be the King" – Mel Brooks

--------------------

From: george@empire.gov
Sent: July 4, 1776, 3:28 a.m.
To: tomjeff@monticello.com; jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col;
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

ALSO I WANT ALL OF MY SPICES BACK

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
KING GEORGE WILLIAM FREDERICK
OF THE HOUSE OF HANOVER
SO ORDAINED BY THE WILL OF OUR LORD
"It's Good to Be the King" – Mel Brooks

--------------------

From: george@empire.gov
Sent: July 4, 1776, 3:29 a.m.
To: tomjeff@monticello.com; jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col;
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

AND MY INDENTURED IRISHMEN

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
KING GEORGE WILLIAM FREDERICK
OF THE HOUSE OF HANOVER
SO ORDAINED BY THE WILL OF OUR LORD
"It's Good to Be the King" – Mel Brooks

--------------------

From: george@empire.gov
Sent: July 4, 1776, 3:29 a.m.
To: tomjeff@monticello.com; jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col;
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT CASHING IN ANY NOTES WRITTEN ON THE CROWN'S FISC

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
KING GEORGE WILLIAM FREDERICK
OF THE HOUSE OF HANOVER
SO ORDAINED BY THE WILL OF OUR LORD
"It's Good to Be the King" – Mel Brooks

--------------------

From: jadams@mass.col;
Sent: July 4, 1776, 8:15 a.m.
To: livingstonipresume@ny.col; benf@penn.col; tomjeff@monticello.com; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: RE: FW: RE: George

Jeebus. Some truths are more self-evident to some than to others.

SENT FROM MY iPHONE

--------------------

From: tomjeff@monticello.com
Sent: July 4, 1776, 9:17 a.m.
To: george@empire.gov
cc: jadams@mass.col; benf@penn.col; livingstonipresume@ny.col; rsherman@conn.col
Subject: FW: RE: George

George, enough. When in the course of human events

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