Thursday, October 23, 2014

KISSING SANTA'S ASS:  On November 6, 2014, the USPS will be issuing four Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer forever stamps—Rudolph, Santa, Bumble, and Isaac Spaceman's favorite character:
Then we meet Hermey the Elf. Some of you – the ones in the Vai Sikahema Football League – know my undying love for Hermey, but for those of you who don’t, he’s the overly-theatrical elf with the calculatedly-insouciant twist of longish blond hair (the same haircut as all of the girl elves; all of the other boy elves are bald), the lisping twitter, the ineptitude at manual labor, and the singular ambition to work with orthodontia. And he sounds like Rip Taylor, for crying out loud. Anyway, he works in a factory, and his boss is an irredeemable dick. Boss Elf rips Hermey a new one for not working quickly enough (note: he’s applying red paint, and this is the Eisenhower era, so Hermey is basically eating lead chips, I think), then rips Hermey another new one for wanting to be a dentist, then rips Hermey another one for all of the ones he had to rip him, basically... 
So Rudolph runs away, and he meets up with Hermey, and Hermey does a little dance and tells Rudolph that they should be misfits together, and it’s exactly as gay as you think it would be. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

100% LESS BEAU BRUMMELLY, AND THE LOVELY BOYLAN SISTERS ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND:  Now online is the music video for Sia's remake of "You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile" from the new Annie film soundtrack, with Quvenzhan√© Wallis and multiple adorable orphans frolicking through the streets of N.Y.C.

[No sign of Mr. Eko/Simon Adebisi, who joined the cast as "Nash".]
STILL COUNTS FOR THE HEGOT QUEST:  According to the Hollywood Reporter, NPH was the producers' fourth choice for hosting the Oscars next year, after first having approached Ellen DeGeneres, Chris Rock, and, whoa, interesting!, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER?  EW has an extended look at Into The Woods this week, including 4 covers and a first look at both Meryl Streep's Act II Witch and Johnny Depp in Wolf makeup.  Ready your outrage.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

TRIPLE AXEL, TRIPLE LOOP? TRIPLE AXEL TRIPLE LOOP!  Scott Hamilton, Olympic gold medalist in 1984 and the lead television analyst in figure skating coverage for the past 20-plus years, has been dumped by NBC and replaced with the duo of Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.
PUT YOUR TINY HAND IN MINE:  Katie Halper reviews "Blurred Lines," "Every Breath You Take," and seven other songs which are more "misogynist, pervy, douchy and rape-y" than you may realize.
SMOOTH, SMOOTH SAX:  You may not recognize Raphael Ravenscroft (who died earlier this week) by name, but I'll guarantee you you'll recognize his work

Monday, October 20, 2014

THAT KIND OF LUXE JUST AIN'T FOR THEM:  At least two San Francisco radio stations have said they won't be playing Lorde's "Royals" until the conclusion of the World Series.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

IT IMPROVES ANYTHING:  After being reminded of the Greatest Movie Twist of Our Time, it's time to ask how TV shows can be improved with the addition of one simple thing:  SECRET DWARF HOOKER!
  • Two and A Half Men--It's widely reported that the final season of the show will revolve around Alan and Walden attempting to adopt a child.  Well, turns out it's not a child.  It's a SECRET DWARF HOOKER (who looks oddly like Charlie Sheen).
  • Two Broke Girls--It's revealed that Han is actually a SECRET DWARF HOOKER.  He murders all the other characters.  The show ends.
  • Bad Judge--It turns out the child who Bad Judge has taken under her wing? Actually a SECRET DWARF HOOKER!  (Also applicable to About A Boy SECRET DWARF HOOKER.)
  • The Mysteries of Laura--Her hell raising kids?  Not actually kids, but SECRET DWARF HOOKERS!
  • Reign--Who needs Hunky Nostradamus when you've got SECRET DWARF HOOKER posing as one of the Ladies In Waiting?
  • Once Upon A Time--He's not Grumpy.  He's SECRET DWARF HOOKER!
  • The Blacklist--Red takes on his most fearsome enemy.  SECRET DWARF HOOKER!
  • NCIS: Secret Dwarf Hooker--Self Explanatory.
  • Nashville--An adorable moppet tries to seize the throne of Nashville from Rayna and Juliette while holding a deadly secret.  You guessed it--SECRET DWARF HOOKER!
  • American Horror Story: Secret Dwarf Hooker--Let's not give Ryan Murphy any ideas, OK?
ALOTT5MA FRIDAY GRAMMAR RODEO SUNDAY SPECIAL:  While historically I've ceded NYTBR criticism to others, today's Paperback Row presents a special case.


Friday, October 17, 2014

Thursday, October 16, 2014

SAVING YOU A FEW BUCKS: Did you want to know what the ludicrous supernatural/romantic twist is in the new Nicholas Sparks movie out tomorrow?  The Dissolve has you covered, and while it's no "Secret Ghost Mom," it's still pretty schmaltzy.