A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago |
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Saturday, May 17, 2008
IT MIGHT BE THE OLDEST RIDE IN THE PARK, BUT IT STILL HAS THE LONGEST LINES. WOO! What to do with only three hours to spend at the Magic Kingdom during our retreat outings today? Four of us vowed to cover Mts. Splash and Space, plus either Pirates or the Haunted Mansion, plus shopping for the kids. And here's what happened: Entering the park at 2pm with instructions to board the monorail back to the bus at 5pm, we proceeded as follows: Go directly to FastPass pickup for Splash Mountain. (Entrance allotted for 4:15p-5:15pm.) Walk quickly across back the back end of Fantasyland to Space Mountain. Can't pick up a second FastPass, but we decided to accept a 50m quoted wait time given hot it is here. Wait ended up being only about a half-hour, and, damn, that ride just rocks. I am not a coaster fan by any means, but that was just a sweet set of banks, drops and darkness-assisted single file disorientation. Ran into the tail end of the Dreams Come True parade on the way back towards Adventure/Frontierland (hi Flora, Fauna and Merryweather!), then caught short line for Pirates of the Caribbean -- and holy crap are the Capt. Jack Sparrow animatronic robots kickass. At this point it's 4pm, so with 15m to kill before Splash Mountain we caught the Toy Story cowpokes staring a parade and did light shopping. Then, Splash Mountain ... and we got to the front pretty quickly ... and the ride shut down. Technical difficulties. Damn. They think it's 10-15m from reopening, but we don't have the time for that and shopping. Chose the kids, headed back to Main Street, grabbed appropriate paraphernalia, caught the Flag Retreat, and back on the monorail we went. What struck me during this brief revisit -- other than the fact that the plan was perfect but Disney failed us, and that OMG am I glad that when we first took Lucy here it was on a Thursday morning, not Saturday afternoon -- was how many nice little unnecessary things there are around the Magic Kingdom, the little musical acts and greeters that fill all the nooks and crannies beyond the featured characters, parades and attractions. These interstitial retro remnants of Walt Disney's vision for the park help fill the narrative universe in creating a space that's more than just a collection of rides and characters, but a reincarnation of a pristine American past that may never have really existed, but is awfully nice to visit for a while. GREETINGS FROM SUNNY ORLANDO: I'm here for the weekend for a firm retreat, and our dinner/festivities on the New York lot of Universal Studios left me with three questions regarding the Universal characters who greeted us and circulated throughout the evening:
"NATURAL SOURNESS": The House Next Door's Sheila O'Malley pens an appreciation of actor Jeff Bridges and five notable roles of his: Jeff Bridges is untouchable. Has he ever repeated himself? It seems that his curiosity about his fellow man and his openness to stepping into another person's shoes keeps him from repetition. He also, unlike many big movie stars, does not have a set persona. There isn't such a thing as a "Jeff Bridges role." He is too versatile for that. Perhaps his ego is uninvolved. Perhaps he has nothing to prove. What constitutes genius in an actor? Friday, May 16, 2008
FULL FIGURES AND HALF-TRUTHS: So another season of ANTM came and went, and I awoke from a nap late yesterday afternoon to find ALOTT5MA management poking me with instructions to open up a thread. By now, you know that Whitney won, and when you think about it, the only thing surprising about it was that Tyra decided to postpone her orgy of self-congratulation about picking a full-figured model, presumably until she had a chance to put Whitney on her talk show. Whitney looked stunning in the walk-off (especially in that pink dress), took some great pictures and consistently good ones, fits the Covergirl/Seventeen Magazine Top Model précis, and to my thoroughly untrained eye has no less a likelihood of success in the niche field of full-figured modeling than any of the other winners has in the business of general modeling. More importantly, she satisfies the real qualifications for topmodelhood: spokespersonality with a garnish of empowerment and an inability to draw attention away from Tyra’s fierceness (not to be confused with ferocity). Once you acknowledge that winning Top Model opens the door to no more non-tie-in modeling jobs than winning, say, Flavor of Love, and you accordingly narrow the selection criteria, the choice this season (at least among the final three) was easy. Don’t embarrass Covergirl, don’t require subtitling on your “My Life as a Covergirl” segments (Jaslene and Anya eye each other uneasily), do give Tyra a reason to tout herself as the Branch Rickey of the fashion-adjacent industry for breaking the size-8 barrier. For me, though, the real story this season was how irritating I found it. It was an ugly season from the beginning, which always annoys me because “most attractive non-beautiful model” is a bit like “tallest average-height person.” And it only got more ridiculous when they kept eliminating the most model-like women in favor of contestants who looked old and ugly (Dominique) or plain and harsh (Marvita, who, to my surprise, I liked). Query: if “edgy” is so much more important than “pretty,” what explains the success of luminous but edgeless judges Tyra and Paulina (not to mention the victories of Whitney – whose name I tellingly keep typing as “Whitey” – Saleisha, Caridee, Nicole, Eva, Yoanna, and whatshername Brady, who have nary a sharp edge to share, lookswise)? And every time Tyra trots out old chestnuts like “we can’t see your personality” (translation: “you’re too well-adjusted for us to write you a redemption arc”) or “you don’t want to be here” (translation: “you are insufficiently enthusiastic about Tyra”) it makes me forget why I ever watched this show in the first place. I feel like I’m probably through with this show. I’ve felt that before, only to be brought back in by a pretty cycle, but after the way that the show ruined the last pretty cycle – giving the title to the Saleishuleta, who knew Tyra, went to Tyra Camp, and modeled for two Tyra shows before going on the show – I can’t imagine the prospect of seeing my favorite contestant eliminated in Week 6 in favor of an old-looking drag queen with a goiter and Tourette’s is going to bring me back. AND SPEAKING OF PRETTY WOMEN: SI swimsuit cover model Marisa Miller tops this year's Maxim 100 list. MERCY: Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman" is one of the 25 recordings added this year to the prestigious National Recording Registry. Among the others honored this year: Michael Jackson's Thriller album, Smokey Robinson's "Tracks of My Tears," and New York City mayor Fiorello LaGuardia reading the newspaper comics to kids during a newspaper strike in 1945. Tragically excluded from the list, this NSFW dance remix of Bill O'Reilly's Inside Edition rant. HE'S THE ONE THAT THEY WANT: Woo! Taylor Hicks will join the critically lambasted, but highly commercially successful production of Grease currently playing Broadway as Teen Angel. Members of the Soul Patrol are cordially invited to visit and mourn his career as a legitimate recording artist. Thursday, May 15, 2008
I ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN: There are a whole lot of people in a whole lot of places, and presumably we'll get from there to here sometime during the final two hours of the Lost season. But there's really nothing to talk about out here, so pick up your Jesus Christ statuette and come look for prowlers in the comments. IT WAS EASY TO GET IN, BUT IMPOSSIBLE TO RISE UP: Season finales of The Office tend to lean more towards unearthing emotional truths about the characters than they focus on being laugh-out-loud funny -- I think about the Pam/Jim revelations of "Casino Night" and "The Job," and how they each moved the characters forward to the point they reached tonight. That said, and I hope I'm not alone on this, but the stuff between Kevin and new HR director Holly was, seriously, among the most brilliantly cruel/funny stuff that the show has ever done. And unlike some of Michael's more outrageous stuff, it didn't require any character to behave any differently than how they always do. But, yes, there were the affairs of the heart and of Chekhov's gun tonight, and to discuss any of them in this post would be to spoil the fun. Let me just make one thing clear: you must stay until the post-credits sequence. Oh. My. GOD. We have much to discuss. PLANNING YOUR DVR USAGE: With all the network schedules (save MyNetworkTV, which doesn't really count) conveniently available here, plot out your conflicts. My big one--Monday at 8: Chuck v. HIMYM v. Gossip Girl v. Sarah Connor (Fall)/Dollhouse (Spring)---ARRRGH!!! I'm sure Gossip Girl will continue to rerun, so it loses out of that viewing opportunity, but this is one hell of a pileup. Tuesday at 10, with Eli Stone, L&O:SVU, and Without a Trace, is also a mess. Sadly, I think Pushing Daisies may be doomed, now that it's against Knight Rider, Old Christine, and Bones. WELL, CATFANCY IS STILL KICKING AROUND: Sometimes I wonder whether magazine and media narrowcasting has become too severe. The revelation today that Know: A Magazine For Paralegals will soon launch was one of those moments. ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE TRI-VECTION OVEN? As GE is apparently planning to sell its appliance division, one must assume that Jack Donaghy will have a hard time returning to his previous position as Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming. Wednesday, May 14, 2008
THE BEEKERCIST: Almost all Fark photoshop contests are entertaining as timesucks, but few have been better of late than the Muppet/movie poster challenge. WELCOME TO THE BOOMTOWN: What was more surprising -- tonight's Idol result, Fantasia's hairstyle or Fantasia's newly invigorated dancing style? Lord knows, Simon looked honestly taken aback for the first time in a long time. Want to reconcile yourself to how much Idol has passed this season? Here's your Wacky Dancing Parade of the Final 24, from less than three months ago. e.t.a. Thursday morning: Obvs, there was nothing surprising about the result -- not now and not for a while. I still think that Michael Johns was the only other performer with a legitimate shot at the final two, though I grievously misjudged David Cook early on and reduced him to "Constantine's slot as the I'm too hip to be here, but I'm here grownup" because it wasn't really until "Music of the Night" that we knew he could sing. (Then again, I did think Constantine was pretty awesome back in the day.) Still, Young David Archuleta entered the round of twelve as the biggest favorite since Chris Daughtry, and the crown is presumably still his to wear, dead eyes and all. Actually, you can go back even further -- Fienberg, Hollywood Week: "Another ringer, Star Search winner David Archuleta, may be my current prediction to win. He isn't a bad singer and he reminds me of Ryan Pinkston from Quintuplets. You likee? He's not my cup-o-tea, but I think his delayed pubescent charm will play great with the teenage girls, as well as with their mothers, who will think he's like Danny Noriega, only he doesn't prompt the same awkward questions." THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR YOU. GOOD LUCK. TRAVEL SAFE. GO! Left out of Matt's review of the new CBS lineup? That our Race will return for a thirteenth season this fall, albeit in that ever-shifting Sunday night post-football, post-60 Minutes timeslot. UNHAPPY TRAILS: A melancholy farewell as Tony Kornheiser, first and foremost a "newspaper guy," has accepted a buyout from the Washington Post after 29 years of journalism there. Quoth the Bald Brother: There was not enough wine in the world, there wasn't, not last night. I'm watching 'Idol,' and I'm thinking about all these things, and I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to about this....It just feels odd. It feels odd and it feels bad. It doesn't feel sad, there's no sadness to it, it just feels wrong.Thank goodness Kornheiser has other platforms and paychecks to follow, but too many good, experienced journalists are being pushed towards the door in D.C., Philadelphia and elsewhere by publishers who have not figured out how to adapt their business structures to the online, Craigslist-is-killing-your-classifieds era. I am no blog-triumphalist; there are many bloggers who are great analysts and media critics, but it still takes on-the-ground fact-gathering journalists to provide the raw material which powers these sites, and the blogosphere hasn't generated too many of those yet. Speaking of which: Bill Simmons may soon replace Theo Ratliff as having the most intriguing expiring contract in sports, as he's currently pissed at ESPN and severely curtailing his written output for reasons listed as "certain promises were not kept". This may relate to ESPN's canceling of a scheduled podcast interview by Simmons of Sen. Obama, but who knows? I would bet that at this point, a standalone advertiser-supported Simmons site with community discussion boards would be extremely lucrative for him. WHITE PANTS SEASON BEGINS 12 DAYS: Back during the Carter Administration when I first started blogging about lists (actually my five-year blogiversary is coming up next month, I'll let you know where I am registered), I never could have imagined that one day I would be able to bring you the list of Five Foods That Cause Anal Leakage. WE KNOW A CERTAIN FJORD IN NORWAY: In an effort to continue to bring you the best in rant-based entertainment, here's a roll from Gawker of the Top 10 Angry On-Camera Meltdowns (wonderfully NSFW) and Stephen Colbert's own on-air outburst back from his days as the midday anchor at WPTS in Patterson Springs, N.C. HEY YOU GUYS!!! The Electric Company is coming back. I am intrigued by the notion that the show is aimed at "reducing the literacy gap between low- and middle-income families" -- was the audience of the original Electric Company really low-income families? In any event, I look forward to seeing what Sesame Workshop (which I assume used to be Children's Television Workshop) comes up with this time around. Coming to a television near you in January 2009. I'M STILL UPSET ABOUT INSIDE SCHWARTZ: Every year at upfronts there is one show about which there is wailing and gnashing of teeth when its cancellation is announced, either from critics or its small (but highly devoted!) fanbase. In recent years, these have included Everwood, Jericho, and basically every Whedon show ever. This year, it's apparently CBS's vampire private eye show Moonlight. The comments over at Nikki Finke's place illustrate the spectacular level of denial--in particular the "not on fall schedule, maybe at midseason" post (full of pleading for a pickup), the announcement of cancellation by CBS (filled with condemnations of CBS), and, now, the distant hope of a pickup by the CW (filled with discussion of how this single pickup will save the CW 4-Evah!). I eagerly await the non-pickup notice from the CW, which will complete the circle of denial. Edit: And the last shoe drops. Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I DON'T WANT TO MISS A THING DESPITE MY FEVER AND THE FACT THAT I AIN'T GOT YOU: Justin Guarini! Lloyd from Entourage! Big-time handlebar mustaches! And nine performances, none of them awful, but none tremendous:
Fienberg: "Look, I've criticized David for doing the same thing week-after-week, but as his songs tonight have proven, what David does he does very well and he's incapable of doing anything else. Why would he change? What would be the American Idol advantage to David showing range he doesn't have? It's up to the producers of his album to decide if he can really sell a CD with 12 socially aware power ballads. Archuleta's job is to win a reality show and he isn't going to do it by singing Chris Brown." Zulkey: "I am not feeling this final three at all. Maybe I've been watching Idol too long or it's been on too long or I'm too jaded, but really I just think these particular kids seem too hard and polished. They don't seem like they LOVE to sing, like Carly did, or that they get a boner just by being on stage, like Danny Noriega did. I'll continue to root for David Archuleta because I don't want his dad to hurt him next week if he doesn't win." Sepinwall: "I vastly prefer David C's schtick to David A's, but the longer the season goes on, the more he starts to seem like yet another 'Idol' one-trick pony." DARCY EDWARDS GRADUATES: I don't know how I missed this, but here's some very cracksmoky casting news from the 90210 remake. First, Shenae Grimes -- DeGrassi's Darcy -- will be the main character, presumably the Shannon Doherty stand-in. Part of me wants to be outraged that a girl who attended the least attractive high school in North America is going to be popular in Beverly Hills, but the fact is that Darcy was a ringer. Of all the credulity-straining plotlines that DeGrassi did (from Emma's bracelet-bartering abandoned-van throat-gonorrhea to gay JT's baby-supporting Oxycontin dealership to Sean's townie-deafening fisticuffs), the least believable was probably the one where Spinner thought Darcy and Paige were roughly equal catches. Incidentally, Darcy transferred to DeGrassi in probably grade 11 (they go 13 rounds up there) and has spent three years at the school (unconfirmed -- I missed the last two years), so assuming she spends a couple of years at BHHS, she'll have had seven years of high school. Which brings me to the next casting tidbit -- Jessica Stroup. Stroup will have been in high school even longer, say eight years, since her recurring gig this year was meeting up with Reaper's Sam at bars (drinking age in Seattle is 21) and generally serving as counterpoint to Missy Peregrym's weirdly expansive nose. STICK IT! Finally, Arrested Development's Lucille Bluth plays grandma. Hopefully drunk and suffocating. Very weird, that last one, but not as weird as the idea that they're going to film a show about BHHS where none of the main characters is Persian. ETA: Sepinwall has the cast photo. That explains why I didn't recognize Tristan Wilds -- he's smiling. If the guy off to the right is supposed to be Persian, and I can't really see very well so don't get mad at me, but he looks Persian like Mickey Rooney looks Japanese. WE KNOW A REMOTE FARM IN LINCOLNSHIRE WHERE MRS. BUCKLEY LIVES: Nothing like a good rant. Here's a pre-Factor hirsute Bill O'Reilly having a little fit over the closing an episode of "Inside Edition." SHE KNOWS THIS IS A BIT: By my count, I'm somewhere between the third- and fifth- most likely, among contributors to this blog, to put up a post about HIMYM -- behind Matt and Kim; ahead of Phil, Alex, and TPE; unclear about Adam and Bob; unsure where we are right now on the existence of Kingsley Shacklebolt. Yet here I am, testing demand for a regular weekly thread with a lukewarm post about a meh episode. On the one hand, the Marshall-Lily stuff worked, in part because the actors clearly love their characters and in part because one of production's running gags on this show clearly has been how awful Lily's painting is. On the other hand, it's not that Britney is terrible (though the longer her lines, the worse her delivery, plus for a dancer she sure is stiff); it's just that she belongs nowhere near this show. HIMYM generally steers clear of the broadest kinds of comedy and the dimmest and most unsubtle of characters, and both Britney and the Abby character seem to occupy a world apart from the Manhattan of the show. I guess if the network thinks she's going to boost ratings, Bays and Thomas aren't in a position to say no, but I wish they could. SURPRISINGLY, NO MONKEY WRENCH REQUESTED: The current tour rider for the Foo Fighters is well worth a few minutes of your time, including their thoughts on bacon and the precise definition of "a mess of fruit," and allowing us to wonder what magazines we might provide them that "show us you have a brain and fantastic interests." ALMOST AS WIDELY WATCHED AS THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS: The nominations for the 62nd annual Tony Awards arrived this morning. A few surprises and notes:
Monday, May 12, 2008
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL (303) 499-7111: Every year, those in charge of the University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt find new ways to perplex the nerds across the Midway in Hyde Park, and this year's list of objects and performances requested was no exception:
COMMA IRRETRIEVABLY: You know what show I miss? Lost. Not the Lost that I'm currently watching -- the one that bucked its formula and re-injected suspense and urgency -- but the old one. From the time that I started waching Lost about four episodes in (shortly after KCosmo sent Spacewoman and There is nothing wrong with the new Lost -- I like it. I like Desmond, I kind of like Ben (though I wish he weren't so frequently the focus), I like the new Jacob stuff. Let's get something clear, though -- this is just not the same show. The old show was a mystery (how did I get here, how do I get out, and who are these people trying to kill me?); the new show is a war melodrama (or maybe just a straightforward WWII pic, with the freighter substituting for Germany and the Others playing the Russians). The old show was about what we didn't know; the new show details every motivation and neurosis of every character, right down to the point where we have a front-row seat to some actual Other therapy. A hirsuite silhouette of a salty sea captain on a rusty tug saying "thing is, we're going to need the boy" is far scarier than the umpteenth annoyed warning of the bespectacled nebbish with the jealousy issues. And don't get me started on the silliness of fearing a society that included Alex and Karl (not to mention Juliet, beardless ineffectual Tom, or love-struck Goodwin). So while I'm quite happy seeing how this war plays out, and figuring out whether Claire is dead or just loam-drugged, and following Desmond following his time-shifting bliss (incidentally, nice Horace nosebleed to tell us last week that he was time-traveling, and not just a hallucination), and watching this week to see Tyra hand Jack, WITH AN ASSIST FROM DOBBY THE CHICKEN: Probst last night said that this was the best season of Survivor since Season 1, and while I don't think that's true, I think he's off by only one season (Season 2, with Colby/Tina, insufferable Keith, pre-plasticized Elizabeth Hasselbeck nee Filarsky, the vegan-vs.-bodybuilder finger-wagging fight between Kimmi and Alicia, beanpole Mitchell, Michael Skupin narcolepsying himself into the fire and a medivac, and archvillain Jerri Manthey and her then-mute henchman, Amber). The first half of this season (which seems like a million years ago, I mean, Jonny Fairplay? Joel dragging Chet into a wood fence? Was that really this season?) was just too uneven, the fans too dull and obsequious, to rank it too highly. Too much of the value of this season, too, was in the tribal councils, and not in the challenges and bonding. In the post-merge show, though, those tribal councils were doozies, including blindsides, mind-boggling idiocy (and I have to disagree with Sepinwall here -- I thought it was hilarious), and -- am I forgetting something? -- the first proper use of a hidden immunity idol. There was nothing as great as the time that self-proclaimed geniuses Alex, Mookie, and Edgardo got played by the Earl-Yau Man troupe, but the aggregate level of backstabbery was impressive. And the phrase "who would go for that? I feel stupid just listening to you" should go right into Bartlett's. The finales are always a little disappointing -- one never wants to see the Ozzies and Amandas bloat up upon their return, or to figure out who is a Stephanie LaGrossa All-Star (a person who looks better unwashed than in makeup) -- but this time, I liked three of the four finalists (and all of the final three). One thing I will say, though -- if one is looking for a way to explain the result, I offer two: (1) I think that Survivor juries (and not just the men on them) tend to penalize women and reward men for playing the game a certain way, and I think the second-place finisher may have suffered from that; and (2) the smartest change this show ever made was going to a three-person finale, because that meant the jury had to vote for somebody instead of just voting against somebody (thus eliminating flying below-the-radar as a viable strategy), and the return to the two-person final was as dumb as the original change was smart. ETA: I forgot to mention the Spacehold's favorite part of the episode. The March of the Vanquished segment is always the editors' chance to tell us what they secretly thought of the contestants. One of the funniest things ever on Survivor was the Bobby Jon montage, which consisted of uninterrupted spazziness and flailing. Last night's victim was Kathy, whose montage went: (1) completely whiffing in trying to tackle Amanda and ending up with a faceful of lagoon; (2) dry-heaving a bite of bat; (3) crying; (4) crying a different time. Awesome. THE INTERNET IS FOR...: Trekkie Monster's investing advice in a volatile market is proving wrong, as Playboy Enterprises' stock has taken a substantial dip in recent days. Sunday, May 11, 2008
HORATIO SANZ SITS PATIENTLY BY HIS PHONE: Once described as a "dime store mimbo" by The New Republic, NBC will announce Jimmy Fallon's ascension to the Late Night chair in a press conference on Monday. Former SNL co-star Tracy Morgan once said of Fallon, "Laughing and all that dumb s--t he used to do — he wouldn't mess with me because I didn't f---ing play that s--t. That's taking all the attention off of everybody else and putting it on you, like, Oh, look at me, I'm the cute one. I told him not to do that s--t in my sketches, so he never did." TWO THOUGHTS HAVING NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH ONE OTHER:
WALTER SCOTT & MARILYN VOS SAVANT TREMBLE IN ITS WAKE: Did you know that The Onion has a Sunday magazine section? |
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