NEVER GAMBLE IN A GAME THAT YOU CAN'T PLAY: Matt from Low Culture wipes the floor with Nicky's older sister today, explaining why Paris shouldn't be calling anything "ghetto". Hit it, Treach:

If you ain't never been to the ghetto
Don't ever come to the ghetto
'Cause you wouldn't understand the ghetto
So stay the fuck out of the ghetto

SIMPLE PLEASURES ARE THE BEST: Well, Fox's The Simple Life isn't exactly the 2003 equivalent of RFK's journey to Appalachia, though it may end up wearing out Bunim/Murray's nudity-blurring software to an extent not seen since the Teck and Ruthie's days in Hawaii. (And she was still wearing the jeans. Heavens!)

But it was entertaining enough. Look, putting these fish in this water is going to be fun, no matter what, and Hilton and Richie play to the camera like the media-savvy professionals they are.

Unfortunately, the show underlines and italicizes its points when it should just observe and let the viewers bring the funny themselves. There's no need for the Clampett-esque narrator, the attention-calling editing, or the abrasive musical cues when you've got women who know they're being stupid and know they're out of place acting as expected.

Compare it to something like MTV's Sorority Life, where the Sigma pledges didn't realize how stupidly and self-absorbed they were behaving ("That's not a double, sweetie!"; "Sylvia slapped me!"), and we viewers were just allowed to watch and listen, and laugh for ourselves without a narrator telling us when it was appropriate.

But Fox does this to shows. They overdo it, never trusting the viewer. Remember the ding! sound every time David "the dumb non-millionaire" Smith correctly identified a European country? Or the absurb machinations at the end of Love Cruise to provide twist after twist? So unnecessary.

Roll the cameras, film the funny, trust the audience. Keep 'Simple' simple, and it'll all be fine.

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING: The reason I hadn't blogged about the return of QESG yet was because, umm, I didn't have a chance to see the first return episode until last night -- the one where they took the guy who looked like Joe Eszterhas and turned him into Richard Chamberlain, for those keeping score.

I wasn't that hyped to see the episode, but I enjoyed what I saw. It was sweeter than before -- warm acoustic guitar music, more family involvement, and less bitchiness-for-bitchiness'-sake. This may have been the first episode in which Kyan didn't freak out during the guy's pre-reveal grooming sequence. In fact, he was downright complimentary.

(Also, it was the nicest house they've ever decorated. They didn't have to start off by cleaning up a mess; just taking a clean, poorly-arranged space and transforming it into something really memorable. Loved the verticals, Thom.)

Interesting episode. Was #2 as good?

MY MAIN GOAL AS A FATHER IS TO KEEP HER FROM BECOMING PARIS HILTON: Are we excited for the debut of The Simple Life?

Hell yeah. Full team coverage tomorrow.

SUED FOR FAILING TO MAKE MUSIC 'REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ARTIST KNOWN AS NEIL YOUNG': Via Mike McHone, the 25 albums that should never have been made.

I can certainly add this one to the list, and The Onion does it annually. (And decennially.)

Any more?

NOW, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY? Okay, now I've seen the infomercial enough to be intrigued: do I really want to own a Showtime Rotisserie Grill? Is this the Ronco product that's worth it?

HOIST THE MIZZENMAST! Jen and I finally saw Master and Commander yesterday, and, hoo boy, what a nice piece of entertianment that was. Now, it didn't stir me in the way Pirates of the Caribbean did -- it wasn't quite as showy in its pleasures -- but there is much to be commended in a movie that progresses so ably from episode to episode, never leaving the moviegoer lost at sea on any relevant detail.

Director Peter Weir focuses on the action sequences and the issue of leadership. If you're looking for a heavy debate over the impressment of sailors, go elsewhere. By the time you get to the final battle, you'll feel like a spoilsport for even wondering whether the whole thing was horribly unjust. It's a piece of mainstream action entertainment; it's not a movie that wants to make you think too much.

The NYT's Tony Scott beat me to what was going to be my best line:

Winston Churchill once said that the foundations of British naval tradition consisted of rum, sodomy and the lash. ''Master and Commander,'' which is rated PG-13, settles for two out of three.

You can guess which one's missing.