NERD ALERT: If you haven't had enough of Jeopardy! God Ken Jennings, here's a collection of his unique video signatures.

AS LONG AS WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE 'KAZAAM': Speaking of Shaq Daddy Diesel Fu-Schnick, the self-proclaimed "Millennium Goliath" dropped some serious bon mots at his Welcome To Miami press conference yesterday:

On buying a home in South Florida: "I will be walking naked on the beach. If you take pictures of me naked on the beach, don't sell them to the Enquirer unless I get 15 percent."

On being 32 years old: "I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities - I'm proven to be good. I've still got five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years left."

On his charity endeavors: "I'm going to feed homeless people on Thanksgiving. I'm going to drive a big truck to certain neighborhoods and pass out toys, good toys. I'm one of the only athletes that sells good-looking shoes at a reasonable price. I was in Orlando and a lady came to me crying. I was like, 'What's wrong? She said, "Your shoes, they cost a $115. And I kind of had to sit back and say to myself: Why would I ask my father to buy a pair of shoes that cost $115. He probably would've punched me. My parents always taught me to give back. You're going to see Shaq-a Claus. Shaq-a Bunny."

How fun will this season be? Says the Big Aristotle: "Get your tickets now. Buy cable now. Get your jerseys now. Pull your boats up to the docking stations now. Bring your Sea-Doos now. If you can't afford a Sea-Doo, get a raft. If you can't afford a raft, go to Wal-Mart and get the blow-up raft like I got at my house."

ALSO, MS. STEWART DID NOT HAVE A CAMEO IN 'MALCOLM X': So, is Martha Stewart like Nelson Mandela? The Wisconsin State Journal has the tale of the tape, a form you know I'm fond of.

Via Althouse.

WELL READ OR RED IN THE FACE? I thought that being an English major as an undergrad, while not providing me with a skill that could ever earn me six figures, would at least have saved me the embarrassment of only having read five books on this list of 50 Essential Reads by Contemporary Authors put together by the organizers of the UK's Orange Prize for Fiction.

How many have you read? What book should be on the list? And what book from the remaining 45 (cross off Nos. 2, 18, 24, 29, and 31) should I read next?

Link via Blog of a Bookslut, where there are also some interesting items about some sloppy editing in Jim DeRogatis' new book.

HOPE FOR THE AMERICAN PENAL SYSTEM: According to this article, when the Hawkins County (TN) Jail neglected to lock the cell doors, 4 inmates left the jail, walked down the street to buy beer at the local market, and then came back. Now, maybe this is where Martha Stewart wants to be sent.

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT: Yes, Bulwer-Lytton results are in--this year's "winners" are here. For those of you who don't know, Bulwer-Lytton recognizes the worst single sentence proposed as a beginning for a novel. Grand prize winner this year:

She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon.

Frankly, I prefer this runner-up:

The legend about Padre Castillo's gold being buried deep in the Blackwolf Hills had lain untold for centuries and will continue to do so for this story is not about hidden treasure, nor is it set in any mountainous terrain whatsoever.

Although honestly, can anything beat the 1998 grand prize winner?

The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job.

ARCHIE, SPIDEY, AND THE HULK: If you are or ever were a comic book geek (this blogger sheepishly raises his hand here), then you will love this rich and detailed list of The 100 Greatest Comics of the 20th Century.

By the way, if you are or ever were a fan of the Marvel Universe, find a copy of Marvels, which is No. 65 on the list. I've had a copy of it sitting around the house for a few years and picked it up on a whim the other day and couldn't put it down. Just outstanding.