Wednesday, December 19, 2007
BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Depp named 'best autograph giver'
FROM THE ALOTT5MA DEPT. OF OBVIOUS JOKES--JUST DON'T ASK HIM FOR A SHAVE: For the third year running, Johnny Depp tops the list of Autograph Magazine's Best Hollywood Signers. Hollywood's worst signer, according to the magazine, is Will Ferrell.
DIDN'T HE WIN LAST YEAR? The management here can't find anything particularly funny or pop-culture-y about the fact that Vladimir Putin was named Time's Man of the Year. But our readership is more clever. Be our guest.
DOOMED OCEAN LINER: Ten years ago today, Titanic was released in theaters across America.
While we can all bemoan the fact that this is the highest-grossing film of all time (as well as blame it for that song), it did help launch the worthy careers of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio into the stratosphere, and beyond the hokey melodrama is a kick-ass action movie which covers the second half of the film. When (spoiler!) the boat goes straight up vertical and the people start dropping, it's as awesome as any peril sequence in Jurassic Park. Also, the narrative framing device of "let's show you a computer simulation of what's going to happen, so that you know more than the passengers when stuff starts going wrong" remains one of the great screenwriting moves in recent memory.
So, Titanic: great film? greatest film? or overrated, subtle-as-a-sledgehammer crap?
While we can all bemoan the fact that this is the highest-grossing film of all time (as well as blame it for that song), it did help launch the worthy careers of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio into the stratosphere, and beyond the hokey melodrama is a kick-ass action movie which covers the second half of the film. When (spoiler!) the boat goes straight up vertical and the people start dropping, it's as awesome as any peril sequence in Jurassic Park. Also, the narrative framing device of "let's show you a computer simulation of what's going to happen, so that you know more than the passengers when stuff starts going wrong" remains one of the great screenwriting moves in recent memory.
So, Titanic: great film? greatest film? or overrated, subtle-as-a-sledgehammer crap?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
THAT CHAINED ROTTWEILER IN AN ILL-FITTING JACKET: This year, as we do every year, we open the ALOTT5MA Award season with the award for Reality TV Host/Judge of the Year. These awards are intended to recognize notable achievements in the year of pop culture and society, for better or worse, and are doled out on our whim.
Past winners in this category include Robert K. Oermann of Nashville Star (2003), Ralph Garman (as Derek Newcastle) for Joe Schmo 2 (2004), Project Runway's Tim Gunn (2005) and Tyra Banks for America's Next Top Model (2006), and normally, there's a long debate and public discussion as I work through who the winner should be.
This year, however, there's no need. In 2006, we wanted more Bourdain. In 2007, we got more Bourdain, and it was awesome. Really: "They were cleaning Bob Marley's house and they found this in the closet." "It's kinda got a home cooking kind of a thing, but a home I wouldn't want to live in."
Do I need to say more? No. No need to waste time reviewing other potential nominees. Anthony Bourdain is the 2007 Reality TV Host/Judge of the Year.
Past winners in this category include Robert K. Oermann of Nashville Star (2003), Ralph Garman (as Derek Newcastle) for Joe Schmo 2 (2004), Project Runway's Tim Gunn (2005) and Tyra Banks for America's Next Top Model (2006), and normally, there's a long debate and public discussion as I work through who the winner should be.
This year, however, there's no need. In 2006, we wanted more Bourdain. In 2007, we got more Bourdain, and it was awesome. Really: "They were cleaning Bob Marley's house and they found this in the closet." "It's kinda got a home cooking kind of a thing, but a home I wouldn't want to live in."
Do I need to say more? No. No need to waste time reviewing other potential nominees. Anthony Bourdain is the 2007 Reality TV Host/Judge of the Year.
2008 Pro Bowl rosters
AND IF YOU FIND A TIKI IDOL IN THE RUBBLE, LEAVE IT ALONE: NFL Pro Bowl rosters were announced today, a fact we'd ordinarily ignore as this is the least relevant of the three major professional sports all-star games -- indeed, if pressed, I might argue it's less relevant than selections for the P-Funk All Stars (ironically, also a combination of fan balloting and player selections), and just a nice gift of a week's vacation for the players involved and their families.
But this year is different. Why? Because they left out an entire division's players -- there is no NFL South representation whatsoever, including from the playoff-bound Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Nor is there anyone from the 10-4 Jacksonville Jaguars. Yes, folks, if you'd like to find a Pro Bowler on a team from the southeast, your only selection is Jason Taylor of the 1-13 Miami Dolphins. Odd.
But this year is different. Why? Because they left out an entire division's players -- there is no NFL South representation whatsoever, including from the playoff-bound Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Nor is there anyone from the 10-4 Jacksonville Jaguars. Yes, folks, if you'd like to find a Pro Bowler on a team from the southeast, your only selection is Jason Taylor of the 1-13 Miami Dolphins. Odd.
PAPA DON'T PREACH, OR IF YOU DO, START WITH MY SISTER: We already know how dumb you have to be to knock up a Spears: approximately as dumb as Kevin Federline. But how dumb do you have to be to knock up a 16-year-old Spears? Meet 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, who surely soon will be learning the details of Lousiana age-of-consent law. I presume he is familiar with the old adage: "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of -- say, it just occurred to me, I'm giving the business to one of the most famous high-school juniors in America, even though I'm old enough to drink in Canada! And I can throw caution to the wind because nobody will ever find out! Wait, what was I saying?"
DOES NOBODY LEARN FROM JENNIFER GREY? I have to say that I am not loving Ashley Tisdale's new nose. Rather more like a toy poodle than a Shar Pei, n'est ce pas?
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