I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUUUUUUU:  For those of us who fondly recall Chicago's Eagle Insurance ads, now you can finally learn the story of how Eagleman came to be.

"THAT" IS SOMETHING YOU DID, AND THE MONEY IS FOR SOMETHING, BUT I REQUEST THAT IF YOU PERCEIVE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN "THE MONEY" AND "THAT," YOU KEEP IT TO YOURSELF SO THAT THAT OTHERS MAY DRAW THAT CONCLUSION THEMSELVES: A review, consistent with Weiner-promulgated spoiler rules, of this week's Season X premiere of Emotion Plural Gendered Noun: Change, though possibly inevitable, may be so subtle as to be imperceptible. That frequently is as true in art as it is in real life, and may be applicable to a certain television program. In what I am authorized to acknowledge is an episode currently scheduled to air on Sunday night on AMC, a character engages in conduct (which may mean either action or inaction) that might subjectively be perceived as negating, reflective of, the impetus for, or caused by change. A sentence about fashion and style is written in conspicuously passive voice by the author of this review so that the importance of the fashion and style obliquely referred to is emphasized without attention being drawn to the reference by the spoiler police. Angrily. ("Angrily" is a word I am permitted to use in this review, but I am not permitted to say whether it refers to a character, to this reviewer, to the producer of the television program, or to reader reaction to official spoiler rules.) It is often remarked that "what you call 'love' was invented by guys like me to sell nylons," that "this show is an astronaut," and that "the next minute this show is running you over with a lawn mower," because the quotes on which those phrases are based did not come from the yet-to-air episode. Those paraphrases often are appropriate, even if barely so, to unify a few sentences fully bleached of useful information about the reviewed show. Suit, alcohol, car, identity, dubious, louche, ambition, anachronism, repressed, generational: pick six or fewer. The Television Critics' Association's bylaws require that I mention here the incoherence of the program's "next week on" promos, inviting a parallel to this review. In conclusion, if you see Vincent Kartheiser, please tell him "hashtag roundbutt."

ROBERT, ON THE OTHER HAND, LOVED ANY ROB SCHNEIDER MOVIE: Among the too numerous to mention moving tributes to Roger Ebert on the Web today, the saddest of all may be New York Magazine's roundup of 12 news organizations that reported the passing of "Robert" Ebert.

I THINK THE SONG "FEVER DOG" IS A BIG STEP FORWARD FOR YOU GUYS. I THINK YOU GUYS PRODUCING IT YOURSELVES, INSTEAD OF GLYN JOHNS, WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. AND THE GUITAR SOUND... IS INCINDIARY. INCENDIARY: Fifteen great fictional on-screen bands.

THE BALCONY IS CLOSED:  The Chicago Sun-Times just reported that Roger Ebert has passed way. Cancer fucking sucks.

I don't quite know where to begin -- he and Pauline Kael were both absolutely formative for me in becoming a film buff, in learning how to appreciate both the entertainments I already enjoyed but to seek out and find new stuff -- it was Siskel and Ebert's hosannas that made me sure to see Hoop Dreams on the last day it played at the Ritz in Philadelphia. When he ranked House of Games as his favorite film of 1987, I knew I had to see it. His enthusiasm was real; it was not doled out promiscuously. And it mattered. I've got a pile of books compiling his reviews at home, a relic of the days before online -- the Great Movies, the yearbooks, the Hated Hated Hated compilations, all of it.

And then there's how he lived his life, with candor and clarity about the alcoholism which once gripped him, and the horrible diseases which took away his physical voice and then, ultimately, his life today. They didn't stop him. He just found other outlets, and used them with great enthusiasm.

He once wrote that "No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough." Well, no good life is too long, either, and it's a goddamn shame he didn't get to enjoy more of it.  What a loss.

HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE:  Assuming you're also monitoring the account for unauthorized charges, about how long do you take to go from "oh, crap, after a busy day out-and-about I can't find [x] credit card" to requesting a new card?

TO CZECH AND SLOVAKIA AND BACK:So was the Africa map on Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? the ultimate test of physical and mental agility?  SB Nation makes a good case.  Here's a video of one of the few winners.  And of course, I don't need to remind you that there's one more thing for you to do, and you know what it is--"Do It Rockapella!"