INDEED! "A POX UPON'T!" 'TIS YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. YOUR MERRY REVELS HAVE ENDED, SIR. CONDOLENCES. THE ROGUES LOST; THE ROGUES HAVE ALWAYS LOST, WILL ALWAYS LOSE, AND SO IT WILL BE TOMORROW AND TOMORROW AND TOMORROW: Circulating around the Internets today -- Two Gentlemen of Lebowski -- The Dude's tale, had it been written by Shakespeare. An excerpt, after the break:

WELL, MAYBE THIS MAKES IT EASIER FOR MAX WEINBERG TO TOUR AGAIN: I'm reticient to link to anything TMZ reports, but they are reporting a good news/bad news situation:

• Good News! Effective February 1, The Jay Leno Show permanently leaves the 10 EST time slot, first for Olympics coverage. Post-Olympics plans remain unclear, but apparently involve original programming in the slot. (I wouldn't be shocked to see some USA programs--In Plain Sight or Royal Pains, perhaps?--make a jump to the sister network.)
• Bad News! Post-Olympics, Jay will return to the 11:30 EST timeslot. Left unclear for the moment is whether this is a return of The Tonight Show With Jay Leno with Conan getting an unceremonious axe, or a new half-hour Jay Leno Show to serve as a leadin to The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.

Fallon apparently remains untouched.

ETA--OK, the NYT now has the plan as Leno--11:35, Conan--12:05, Fallon--1:05. Three questions from that:

1. What are the shows called? Does Leno get back the "Tonight" name? If so, what do the other shows go to?
2. Does Leno even have guests, or does he just run with 30 minutes of "comedy?" He can fill a 30 minute slot with intro, monologue, and one of his staple bits (Jaywalking, Headlines, etc.), and then a nice toss to Conan.
3. This could actually benefit Conan--no longer is he head-to-head with Colbert, and I can see folks flipping from Colbert to Conan, or flipping from Letterman in his second half hour to Conan.

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY COPY OF "THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF HERCULES" TO ARRIVE FROM NETFLIX: With "The Simpsons" celebrating 20 years this Sunday, IGN has a fun look at the Top 25 Simpsons Peripheral Characters, with No. 1 being a character who last appeared on the show in Season 10.

COMFORT, POWER, HANDLING, AND ABJECT, HELPLESS TERROR: I realize I'm six or seven years late on this, but did you know that for five years Chrysler sold a car called the "Crossfire"? I realize that ballistic branding has some success for American car manufacturers (hello, Dodge Caliber), but exactly what positive association was this brand manager trying to evoke? Has there ever been anybody in the history of gunplay who entered a crossfire with anything less than severe reluctance and stomach-roiling anxiety, or who exited a crossfire without thinking, "thank God I survived that; may I never get into another crossfire again"? Unless there is some sort of positive connotation of which I'm unaware, this must be the worst car brand name I've ever heard.

SOUTHERN PARVATI LAW CENTER (HT: FIENBERG): The Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains cast is revealed, with 9 of the 20 making this their third chance for $1M. (Well, fifth for Boston Rob if you count his two Races, though Rupert's stint as a rent-a-magical-native reward on Israeli Survivor doesn't count.) Four former winners in the cast -- under-the-radar Sandra Diaz-Twine, Fireman Ton Westman, J.T. Thomas and the subject of this post's title -- as well as a few runners-up (including Colby and Stephenie). Hopefully, we'll see a smarter multi-faceted strategic game than Rob's domination of the original All Stars season (really, Lex, you trusted him?), and I'll certainly give this season a chance.

added: EW talks to the competitors about their strategies.

WINKY DINKY DOG: Via Cinematical, a rather extensive list of fictional restaurants and coffee shops. Rob's Place, Above the Top, the Regal Beagle and plethora of Simpsons eateries are included.

WELCOME TO THE MEETING, TWITCHY: Lost seasons 1-5, recapped in 8:20 8:15.

added: Is this the end? Well, of this iteration of Lost ...:

Q: Can you say definitively, after this final episode, there will never be another produced hour of "Lost" on film, TV, Web, any medium -- this is it?

Cuse: The Walt Disney Co. owns "Lost." It's a franchise that's conservatively worth billions of dollars. It's hard to imagine "Lost" will rest on the shelves and nothing will ever be made with "Lost." Eventually somebody will make something under the moniker of "Lost" -- whether we do it or not. We just made a commitment to this group of characters whose stories are coming to a conclusion this May.

Lindelof: Somebody made a sequel to "Gone With the Wind." Sometimes the franchise transcends the storyteller. The definitive edition of "Lost" ends this May on ABC, and that is the story that we have to tell. It has a beginning, middle and end. That ending will not have cliffhangers, or be set up in such a way that people will be saying, "Clearly they're going to make more of these." We don't have any connection to another TV series or movie, but there's a new "A-Team" movie coming out, for god's sake. This is a business that thrives on known commodities. "Tron" is the most buzzed-about Disney movie for next year, and it has been gathering dust for 20 years. I cannot imagine there will not be something with "Lost" on it involving smoke monsters and polar bears and time travel.

THE WHOLE SITCOM WAS IN A HOT, DENSE STATE: As usual, the artist formerly known as Miss Alli has nailed it with this dissection of how Big Bang Theory went from the pilot (which I hated) to a highly enjoyable sitcom, with an emphasis on how important diminishing the sexism inherent in the original concept was to making the show work--making Penny an equal (in some ways, if not raw intellect) to Sheldon and Leonard has been key to creating an enjoyable ensemble, even if they need to find something to do with Wolowitz. (Via Sepinwall on Twitter, naturally)

THE WOW FACTOR: I still haven't seen Avatar (though on the list for the immediate future), but is there any question that it's going to win the Visual Effects Oscar? I mean, why are we even bothering to have 6 other "finalists?" That said, it's nice to see some diversity--District 9 made use of a fair number of practical makeup effects, supplemented by CGI, and for all the flaws of Transformers 2 and 2012, there was some fine effects work there.

HAWK, NOT HOCK: Andre Dawson is now a Hall-of-Famer, but stealing the 1987's NL MVP's thunder is the fact that Roberto Alomar garnered 73.7% of the vote, to fall just eight vote short. Theories on Alomar's failure to reach 75% range from the fact that some may have thought he wasn't a "first-ballot" HOFer to lingering resentment over that loogie. Perhaps just as disappointed today is Bert Blyleven, who with 74.2% of the vote, missed by just five votes. ALOTT5A fave Edgar Martinez received 36.2% in his first year on the ballot. And somehow, one of the 539 voters felt David Segui was worthy of enshrinement in Cooperstown. 

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "HELLO": So first came the nervousness Tuesday night on account of the raging fire at the apartment building next door to my father's, and relief that both he and his building were safe and secure. But a local tv station's coverage of the event poses a difficult question -- does my 78-year-old dad really qualify as "elderly"?. What, friends, is the dividing line between "old" and "elderly" -- is it a number, or does it relate to capacities? Because on either metric, I didn't think the term fit him yet.

THE BIGGEST UNIT CASTS THE LONGEST SHADOW: The Big Unit retired today.

I've been overly statty lately, and Randy Johnson's numbers make their own irrefutable arguments, so I'll leave the stats aside. At 6'11", the long, thin Johnson was one of the most unusual physical specimens in baseball. A wild and ineffective slinger in his early career in the Montreal system, my beloved Mariners acquired him (and others) for a half-season of Mark Langston and watched him grow into an elite talent (for those looking for a "Jack Morris Game 7 Moment," he delivered the second-greatest moment in the greatest game ever played, when he caused total bedlam in the Kingdome during his walk from the bullpen to the mound for three innings of one-run relief – and the win – on one day's rest). Seattle shipped him to Houston in a controversial contract-year trade: Johnson was injured and, for him, subpar in the half-season before the trade; he got healthy for the rest of the season and essentially won the division for Houston. Some misguided Seattle fans see this as evidence of malingering to force a trade, but I think this is wrong -- it wasn't in Johnson's makeup to soften his performance. He went to Arizona the following year, where he made Schilling unashamed to be a distant-second starter, won a World Series and notched the best post-40 pitcher season in baseball history; spent a couple of (still decent) decline years in the Bronx (where he was about as good, relative to the league, as Jack Morris was in his prime); and twilighted in San Francisco.

There are other pitchers during Johnson's career who could lay at least an equal, and maybe -- maybe better, claim to being the best, but of that club of sublime pitchers in the last two decades, Johnson was the most feared member. With a low, wide left-handed delivery that appeared to reach around left-handers' heads, hundred-mile-an-hour heat, and occasional wildness (like the discharge over Kruk's head in the All-Star Game), lefties always had to fear taking one on the chin, even while Johnson was slipping it right in the sweet spot. But Johnson had three plus pitches – his heater, his curve, and a murderous slider, which meant that if lefties cowered when he unfurled his left arm, righties were no happier to see that oversized appendage swinging toward them.

The Unit was prickly, probably because his prominence (at his size, it was impossible not to stick out) interfered with his private nature. All that unsightly hair couldn't have helped. But he also was canny, analytical, and hard – very, very hard – to hit. Of the modern players least likely to be duplicated, Johnson, with his size, power, and stamina, must be the foremost.

P.S.: When he goes to the Hall, his hat should have an S on it.

IN THIS ONE, BOND EXPOSES THE SEEDY UNDERBELLY OF SUBURBIA AND DEALS WITH HIS CRIPPLING ALCOHOLISM: It's not yet official, but allegedly Daniel Craig wants Oscar winner Sam Mendes to direct the new Bond flick, and the producers seem inclined to oblige. Certainly, Mendes has made some fine films, but I'm not persuaded he's right for this.

SAWYER'S ISLAND: Some folks want the Walt Disney Company to change a possibly dated attraction at its parks into a Lost-themed experience for guests.

YOU CAN'T TORQUEMADA ANYTHING: The annual Kennedy Center Honors coincided with my vacation in Mexico last week so I didn't blog it at the time (note to self: even more cenotes next time!), but for those who missed it you will want to view its singing, dancing Mel Brooks tribute with Martin Short on a horse and Glee's Mr. Schu as the most handsome singing Nazi you've ever seen.

Also: Jon Stewart eloquently honors fellow Garden Stater Bruce Springsteen, Eddie Vedder sings "My City of Ruins" and Ben Harper and Jennifer Nettles perform "I'm On Fire," which might not have made my top fifty list of Songs You Should Be Sure To Play When You're Honoring Bruce Springsteen, but was rather nice regardless.

EVERYBODY DO THE PROPAGANDA: While big "classic" musicals are dropping like flies on Broadway right now (Ragtime and Finian's Rainbow will each close at a total loss in the next few weeks, and the allegedly nightmarishly bad Birdie revival bidding bye bye shortly), it's a fascinating season for new musicals, with the Fresh Prince/Jay-Z-produced afropop musical Fela! being joined by Green Day's American Idiot this spring. (Also coming--the Nathan Lane/Bebe Neuwirth Addams Family musical, which got mixed reviews in Chicago, and a musical about a mythical legendary gathering of Elvis, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, and Jerry Lee Lewis.)

ONE MAGIC LOOGIE: Ahead of tomorrow's Baseball Hall of Fame announcement, Baseball Think Factory has been compiling votes by the writers who have voice their opinions. With 99 full ballots in, the returns indicate that Roberto Alomar, Bert Blyleven and Andre Dawson should start booking motel rooms for their friends and family in Cooperstown this summer. As for the much-disccussed Edgar Martinez? He's currently running 7th in the voting with 41.4%, behind the aforementioned trio, plus Barry Larkin, Jack Morris, and Tim Raines. My prediction for tomorrow is Alomar and Dawson get the call with Blyleven falling just short.

YOU TOOK ME BY THE HAND, MADE ME A MAN: Melora Hardin, better known to us as Jan Levinson-Gould, will release her first CD--a mixture of Broadway standards and new material she wrote, later this year. And, no, "That One Night" isn't on there, though "I Dreamed A Dream" is--take that, Susan Boyle.

YOU ARE WHAT YOUR RECORD SAYS YOU ARE: Truly epic - Joe Posnanski's essay on the last decade of Kansas City Royals baseball.

THE JULIAN EDELMAN SWEEPSTAKES: For those who are interested, we have an ESPN Gridiron Playoff Challenge group. Free, easy salary cap-based contest for one and all.

THANKFULLY, THEY DID HAVE MR. PERSONALITY (#238) RANKED AHEAD OF MARK PHILIPPOUSSIS' AGE OF LOVE (#260): Apparently, I wasn't ambitious enough -- the NYT's Jon Caramanica has ranked The 348 Best Reality Television Shows of the Aughts.

YOUR MASHUP QUIZ: After Adam posted that mash-up of the top songs of 2009, I thought, "how hard could that be?" As it turns out, moderately hard. Or not hard, but exceedingly time-consuming. Anyway, after the jump is my maiden voyage on the Good Ship Mash-Up, "Let There Be Drums." With the dumbest video a lawyer can create in under an hour.

Points to anybody who can identify all of the source material -- only five sources in all.

IT'S NOT COMPLICATED ENOUGH: The problem with It's Complicated goes deeper than its general wish-fulfillment fantasy structure which panders shamelessly to its women-of-a-certain-age target audience. Apparently, it wasn't enough that it's all about the Meryl Streep character being pursued by two desirable, erudite professional men who flatter her and insist she not change a thing, that she was physically and otherwise perfect already (as was her house, pre-renovations). Instead, it had to go further with its tunnel vision and close off any concern to the happiness of every other character in the film -- indeed, when the impact of the lead characters' decisions becomes too inconvenient, they just get disappeared from the film's universe altogether.


Spoiler below the fold (if I've figured out how to this to work) ...

NO, NO, IT'S JUST A CHARACTER I WROTE: I've generally enjoyed both The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played With Fire, but a query--is it just me or is co-lead Mikael Blomkvist one of the worst cases of Mary Sue-age ever? Like the late author Stieg Larsson, he's a muckracking journalist for a magazine in financial difficulties, who gets portrayed as smarter than basically everyone else in both books (save only Lisbeth Salander, his fellow investigator), irresistible to women of all varieties, and otherwise leading a glamorous and exciting life.

Discussion on this topic, as well as our occasional "what are you reading now?" topic, is in order, including what books were received for holiday reading and what books you've been reading to make the holiday travel season more bearable.

KENNEDY, I'M ON MY LEARNER'S PERMIT AFTER DARK: Matt Zoller Seitz pens an appreciation of the men he regards as the most important creative forces of the Aughts, Charlie Kaufmann and David Chase. On Kaufmann:

Kaufman defies Hollywood's demands that lead characters must be "relatable," that goals must be clearly defined (and preferably achieved) by the end of the story and that every event must be fed through the industry-sanctioned three-act-structure meat grinder. Each of Kaufman's aughts screenplays had a different tone, a different point, and found a new portal into issues that obsessed him. Taken together, his scripts are more distinctive, creatively unified and relevant to modern life than the collected works of almost any contemporary filmmaker, domestic or foreign -- a formidable achievement in a culture that views directors as gods and writers as chumps.

And Chase, about whom he's written so much great analysis:

The near-total elimination of medium-budget, classically styled adult dramas from mainstream film production this decade coincided with the rise of "Sopranos" and shows that drew inspiration from "The Sopranos." It's impossible to identify the chicken and the egg in that process. Either way, feature films became more like the Marshall McLuhan-era academic's kneejerk stereotype of TV (jumpy, trashy and stupid), while the best of aughts TV, led by Chase, embraced classically cinematic storytelling rhythms and visual grammar.

From Zoller Seitz's Directors of the Decade series.

WHAT WOULD BREESUS DO? While I'd prefer a list which commented upon and related back to its 2009 offerings, that's not going to stop me from pointing you towards the WaPo's annual list of What's In and Out for the New Year (for Hall & Oates, cupcake trucks and pickling, your moment has arrived!), with bonus decennial Fondly Remembered (OutKast, free baggage check, Uma Thurman's yellow track suit) and Good Riddance (Crocs, Uggs, Leno) lists for the Aughts.