THE 'CLIFF HANGERS' YODELER SENDS HIS CONDOLENCES: It was bound to happen, eventually: an Australian contestant on The Price Is Right got whomped in the head and bloodied by a vengeful Showcase Showdown Big Wheel.

SURE, BUT WILL THEY LET BARBERS PRACTICE SURGERY AGAIN? Your Food and Drug Administration has approved the commercial marketing of leeches for medicinal purposes.

Is the lamprey next?

WHERE'S MY INVITE? Yes, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced new members for the year in this press release. Some make a lot of sense, like Sofia Coppola, Patricia Clarkson, Hope Davis, and Paul Bettany. Some are blatant attempts to seem hip: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Miguel Arteta, and Fernando Meirelles. Some are shockers that the person wasn't already in: Treat Williams (why this year of all years?) and Sean Penn. And then there's Keisha Castle-Hughes, the lucky young girl who'll never have to pay to see a movie again for the rest of her life. But the unexplicability prize this year goes to the animation branch, for electing Steve Oedekirk to Academy membership. Yes, the writer of "Patch Adams" and the Eddie Murphy "Nutty Professors" is in. But his true achievements? "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist!" and "Ace Ventura 2," both of which he directed. If he's in--I'm demanding my place!

WHY, YES, MY NAME IS KELLY D. WARREN: In an effort to outdo the injustice served upon my brother, in whose name a Dayton, Ohio mortgage as well as several thousand dollars worth of Home Depot gift certificates have been falsely acquired, among other still-being-discovered frauds, now comes word from New York that a law firm, too, can be the victim of identity theft.

AL-FAYED HEEDS CRY FOR ATTENTION: The Harrod's owner is really interested in Xtina's necklace. I mean, really.

AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO ANNOUNCE THAT I WROTE "ISHTAR:" The Boston Herald (by way of Dave Poland at MovieCityNews) notes that a lawsuit has been filed claiming that Wayans-fest film "White Chicks" is actually a ripoff of an unproduced screenplay called "Johnny Bronx." Now, I don't know about you, but if I were in the position of having written something similar to "White Chicks," I'd run as fast and as far as I could from any "credit" for having done so. What I'm waiting for are the inevitable copyright suits against Michael Moore, which will be quite interesting.

NEXT, THE CLOWNS FROM TAR4 WILL GIVE THEIR NOSES TO THE SMITHSONIAN: The AP reports that Survivor: All-Stars champion Amber Brkich has given her bikinis from the show (along with a few other mementoes) to her local museum. The museum's name alone (the Beaver Area Historical Museum) lends itself to certain jokes, but here at ALOTTFMA, we take the higher road in our humor. So is Fantasia going to give the shoe she talked about breaking to the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame? I don't watch quite enough reality TV to opine well, but what do you think should be beside Archie Bunker's Armchair and Fonzie's Jacket in the Smithsonian? The only thing I'd suggest immediately (in seriousness) would be the immunity idol from the first season of "Survivor." And maybe the dignity William Hung misplaced along the way. Other suggestions are encouraged in the comments.