BEST MAGAZINE TO READ IN THE LAKE NEBAGAMON, WISC., LAUNDROMAT PROVIDED SOMEONE ELSE HAS ALREADY CALLED DIBS ON THE JUNE 1998 ISSUE OF GOOD HOUSEKEEPING: Reader's Digest hits the road in its latest issue and comes up with a list of America's 100 Best things including Green Day ("Best Hip New Music"...I kid you not), Krud Kutter, and the Lawrence Central (Ind.) High School marching band. And couldn't the magazine's editors skip some of their little known finds like Disneyland and come up with something "best" about the 17 states that are unrepresented in the story?

THE KELTNER LIST SUGGESTED THAT TED TURNER WOULD GET IN FIRST: Continuing this blog's obsession with all Halls of Fame comes word today that The Tonight Show, as represented by the terminally unfunny Jay Leno, will be this year's inductee into the National Association of Broadcasters Television Hall of Fame, joining All in the Family, Saturday Night Live, Bob Keeshan, Ted Koppel, Roone Arledge, Sid Caesar and others.

Being inducted into the NAB Radio HOF is the late sportscaster Jack Buck, to which no one here would object. In that Hall, he joins a diverse group of notables including Wolfman Jack, Casey Kasem, Orson Welles, Larry King, Rush Limbaugh and Mel Allen. How about that!

CARE FOR A DECANTER OF MARTINI? Yes, the Times Square Howard Johnson's, a veritable museum and shrine to kitsch in all of its forms, will be closing later this year. Shed a tear, for soon, you will not be able to buy affordable saltwater taffy in NYC, and no longer will the restaurant clock chime "Give My Regards to Broadway" at 7:45 to remind patrons that they need to get to their theatre seats. Sure, the food borders on the inedible, but it's an experience that I'll try to have at least once more before it disappears for good.

I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MAYER WIENER: I'm not one who habitually reads the obituaries, but the AP obit of George Molchan, aka "Little Oscar," Oscar Mayer's mascot, is priceless. In particular, there's the final paragraph, describing the funeral:

The 27-foot-long Wienermobile was parked Saturday near Mr. Molchan's grave in Merrillville, drawing smiles from dozens attending his memorial. Before priests said the final prayers over the coffin, about 50 mourners sang a chorus of the Oscar Mayer jingle and then blew short blasts on hot dog-shaped whistles.

I AIN'T TELLIN' YOU A SECRET: As with all things, the Pixies paved the way -- Dinosaur Jr. reunion tour dates for 2005 now announced. Odds that Mascis and Barlow last a month together?

Going to school in Amherst, you'd always hear tell of Mascis sightings. I ran into him once in the spring of 1992 at a Pearl Jam concert over in UMass' tiny student union -- it was just when "Alive" was first getting played on college radio, and there was J. Mascis, wandering through the crowd incognito. (Hell of a show, btw.)

ABC FUMBLES? So, as expected, Monday Night Football is moving to ESPN, but Sunday night isn't flipping back to ABC: it's going to downtrodden NBC in a $600M/6y deal, with, at last, scheduling flexibility for late-season games.

Does this mean that Sunday night will become the big game, and Monday night an afterthought? Which will get the NFL's priorities for the top games? Will Disney move Madden and Michaels to ESPN? Who will NBC get to host its games? It's been so, so long since NBC had football. (God help us if we hear "The kick is up . . . YES!, and it counts!")

LAW OF THE STREETS: When is a diss actionable? In the case of Slim Shady v. Some Guy He Made Fun Of, a/k/a DeAngelo Bailey v. Marshall Bruce Mathers III, a/k/a Eminem Slim Shady, the Michigan Court of Appeals held that if the rap's mostly true, under false light you can't sue:

Examined in the context of the song lyrics as a whole, defendant’s story contains a number of signals that would convey to a reasonable person that it should not be taken literally. The extent of factual detail that a reasonable person would find unbelievable progresses as defendant’s story is told. Examples include the highly improbable event of a school principal assisting plaintiff in “stomping” on defendant and leaving him for dead, plaintiff’s successful attack on defendant with a broomstick after being beaten in the bathroom, and, ultimately, defendant returning home only to be beaten by his mother with a remote control, causing defendant’s “whole brain” to fall out of his skull. It is apparent that a reasonable listener would not take the song lyrics about defendant literally. The sting of the song lyrics rests in their characterization of plaintiff as a bully, rather than the specific factual statements about the bathroom assault. Thus, the material question is whether the literal truth yields the same effect.

In light of plaintiff’s admissions that he “picked on” defendant when defendant was in the fourth grade and that plaintiff was part of a group at school that did “bully type things” such as pushing defendant down, we uphold the trial court’s determination that no genuine issue of material fact was shown relative to this issue.

Remember, kids: a bully's like school on Saturday: no class.