WHENEVER I GET GLOOMY WITH THE STATE OF THE WORLD:  The never-ending debate over the merits of Love Actually continues.  Christopher Orr, The Atlantic, anti:

Love Actually is exceptional in that it is not merely, like so many other entries in the genre, unromantic. Rather, it is emphatically, almost shockingly, anti-romantic.... I think it offers up at least three disturbing lessons about love. First, that love is overwhelmingly a product of physical attraction and requires virtually no verbal communication or intellectual/emotional affinity of any kind. Second, that the principal barrier to consummating a relationship is mustering the nerve to say “I love you”—preferably with some grand gesture—and that once you manage that, you’re basically on the fast track to nuptial bliss. And third, that any actual obstacle to romantic fulfillment, however surmountable, is not worth the effort it would require to overcome.

In response, Mother Jones' Ben Dreyfuss:

NO GOOD MOVIE IS TOO LONG: Or so Roger Ebert wrote about Love Actually, which we saw last night, to which he added, "No bad movie is short enough. 'Love Actually' is too long. But don't let that stop you."

(And, okay, it is too long, and there was pruning to be done -- I'd have axed all the Keira Knightley-centered hijinks, I guess, though keeping the wedding scene itself. Or the couple who met on the film set.)

Still, it's a damn cute movie, with multiple interweaving tales of love -- love found, love lost, love sought. Writer/director Richard Curtis stacks ending on top of ending to push all sorts of emotional buttons, each one stronger than the next, and you find yourself moved despite yourself. It just plain works.

For both men and women, eye candy abounds. Especially for the women: between the adult charms of Alan Rickman (oh, but why not a random "Asian Dawn" reference!), randy Hugh Grant, melancholy Liam Neeson and an especially firthy Colin Firth, whatever your tastes in masculinity are, they'll be satisfied here.

(Side note: does Colin Firth have it in his contract that he has to have a scene in every movie where he's moving determinedly through the streets in pursuit of love?)

All of this is merely preliminary so I can related to you something Jen said to me during the movie that is likely the funniest thing either of us has said all year -- though, mind you, it requires that you watched season two of The Amazing Race.

So there's a scene late in the movie, where a character is rushing through Heathrow Airport, and Jen turns to me and says, "Holy shit! Was that The Groanies? What are they still doing there?"

Anyway, see the movie with someone you love, or want to love.

WHERE YOU LEAD, I WILL FOLLOW: TV Guide's Michael Ausiello had a nice long chat this week with Amy Sherman-Palladino, the wunderkind behind Gilmore Girls. It was sufficiently interesting that I thought I'd offer up a few of her observations. (I'm leaving out the parts with the spoilers, but you can find them in Ausiello's column if you're interested.)

On the the Rory/Logan relationship: "Logan and Rory are going to hit a rough patch. Logan and Rory's relationship has never been based on deep talkin'. Their relationship has been based on 'Let's have fun! Let's avoid reality! Let's just go play and party!' And Rory doesn't want to avoid reality anymore. And that's going to alter her relationship with Logan. [That being said,] we have [Matt Czuchry] for the entire year, so kids need to remember that. He's getting paid for the whole year. You don't want to waste that when you're paying for it. But there are going to be a lot of ups and downs for Rory and Logan."

On why we haven't heard Lorelai and Luke whisper those three little words to each other: "To me, they say 'I love you' to each other every single day. Everything that they do, the way they care for each other, the way they take care of each other.… 'I love you,' for me, is a tricky phrase on television because I think it's way overused, as it is in life. I think they constantly button scenes with, 'I love you.' 'I love you, too.' 'I love you, Mom.' 'I love you, Butchy.' 'I love you, Johnny.' 'I love you, Fluffy.' There's just nothing but I love yous and so little goes behind it. And part of what I love about Luke and Lorelai is they don't do that. They just love each other. They just take care of each other. They just support each other. They do everything that you're supposed to do and they don't have to say 'I love you' 100,000 times. And when the words finally come out and when we feel like we actually need to write them down, it's probably going to come at a very odd time."

I think this is a woman who ought to be writing for TV, you know?

THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE LOBSTER PRESENT AT THE BIRTH OF JESUS?  In recognition of the film's tenth anniversary this week, The Hairpin is publishing daily fan-fic on what happened to each of Love Actually's pairings ten years later.

(We may have discussed this film in passing before. As I noted a few years ago, if you watch Love Actually backwards, it's the interwoven stories of a bunch of British men who gradually realize that they shouldn't be dating women who work for them.)

added: The cast reminisces.

WHAT MR. ROGERS TAUGHT MICHAEL JACKSON: Joyce Millman asks in this morning's Times about the lessons Michael Jackson could have learned from Mister Rogers, noting:

Watching [the Bashir documentary], many viewers who had tuned in for a freak show came away instead with new sympathy for the embattled and cosmetically mutilated King of Pop. Mr. Jackson seems to be suffering the poisonous after-effects of a traumatic childhood.

And wasn't that what Fred Rogers was trying to teach us: that emotionally unhealthy children become emotionally unhealthy adults?

"The way Rogers saw it," Millman concludes, "A secure and happy childhood was of the greatest importance not because we stay children forever, but because we don't."

But did Michael Jackson really learn nothing from Mister Rogers? Actually, I think he learned a lot.

Don't take my word for it, of course. Instead, take the following quick quiz. I'll provide the quote; you decide if the speaker is revered television legend Mister Rogers or the King of Pop, Michael Jackson:

Rogers or Jackson?

1. "I love, I feel, I think what they get from me, I get from them. I've said it many times, my greatest inspiration comes from kids. . . . That consciousness of purity. And children have that. I see God in the face of children. I just love being around that all the time."

2. "People don't even eat with their fathers any more, or their mothers. The family bond has been broken. It's an outcry for attention [when] kids are going to school with guns. They want love, they want to be touched, they want to be held. . . . I'm just very sensitive to their pain."

3. "When I was angry as a child, my family wouldn't allow me to crash and stomp around through the house, but they did encourage me to play out my feelings on the piano. That's when I discovered the real power of music. I'd begin by banging random notes -- anything (like a punch!). The longer I played, though, the calmer my music became, the calmer I became, too. That piano probably got me out of a lot of trouble. To this day, I can still laugh and cry and express anger and dissapointment through the tips of my fingers on piano keys. It's just as natural for me as breathing."

4. "Children are loving, they don't gossip, they don't complain, they're just open-hearted. They're ready for you. They don't judge. They don't see things by way of color. They're very child-like. That's the problem with adults. They lose that child-like quality. And that's the level of inspiration that's so needed and is so important for creating and writing songs and for a sculptor, a poet or a novelist. It's that same kind of innocence, that same level of consciousness, that you create from. And kids have it."

5. "You know, you don't have to look like everybody else to be acceptable and to feel acceptable."

6. "My best friends in the whole world are children and animals. They're the ones who tell the truth and love you openly and without reservation."

7. "We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes."

8. “I love whimsy, don’t you? If you’re going to be working for children, you need to do your best not to lose your childlikeness . . . it’s wonderful to be able to just be yourself.”

9. "I've always wanted to be able to tell stories, stories that came from my soul. I'd like to sit by a fire and tell people stories -- make them see pictures, make them cry and laugh, take them anywhere emotionally. I'd like to tell tales to move their souls and transform them. I've always wanted to be able to do that."

10. "The number 143 means 'I love you.' It takes one letter to say 'I' and four letters to say 'love' and three letters to say 'you.' One hundred and forty-three. 'I love you.' Isn't that wonderful?"

Answers (highlight text to reveal):
1. Jackson
2. Jackson
3. Rogers
4. Jackson
5. Rogers
6. Jackson
7. Rogers
8. Rogers
9. Jackson
10. Rogers

Blame Todd Bonin for the concept.

EENY MEENY MINEY MO, CAN'T LET JERRY LAWSON GO: We welcome Marsha back for Night 4 of NBC's The Sing-Off:

* * *

Before I get to the music and the results, I have to say my now-annual bit about the costumes. I suppose I can appreciate the desire for something telegenic but non-identical within each group, but the colors are so ridiculously loud (the Backbeats’ outfits during “White Christmas” actually hurt my eyes), the almost-but-not-quite-matching thing is distracting and painful, and worst of all, tonight the female Backbeats looked like the greatest hits of the Judy Jetson Streetwalker Collection. When their lead singer is in a shiny dress so short I hope her mother isn’t watching, and she’s singing “I need somebody to love” to a man three times her age, I don’t know how NBC is getting away with airing this in the family hour.

HOT HITS! WCAU-FM: Given that most of our bloggers spent our formative years in the 80s and early 90s, it should come as no surprise that we love the idea of “Songs from the Year You Were Born” week on AI. (But for the existence of the tender young Miss Iraheta, they may as well just have called it 80s Week – the days of contestants born in the 70s are officially behind us. Eek.) Because this theme makes us feel a trifle, well, indulgent, we decided each to offer our own suggestions as to which songs Your.Top.Eight. should sing tomorrow night. The judges for this endeavor are: Isaac (b. 1970, Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs”), Kim (b. 1971, Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee”), and Adam (b.1972, Elton John’s “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters”).

[Methodology Note. We paid no attention whatsoever to whether AI could get the rights to any of these songs. We also didn’t work too hard on figuring out which year a song belonged to. For example, we’ve got “No One Is to Blame” recommended for both 1985 and 1986. The album came out in ’85, but the song wasn’t released as a single until ’86. So let’s not get too hung up on release date nitpickery.]

Gokey. 1980.

Isaac: There's a ton of stuff Gokey could do from 1980. "Shining Star" is right up his The Redeemer (tm Fienberg) alley, assuming he isn't Danny the Cheeseball Entertainer this week and therefore doesn't just pick the most obvious Queen/Billy Joel song near the top of the charts. By the way, London Calling came out in 1980 in the US and I didn't even give it a thought.

Adam: C'mon, it's obvious: "Grandpa pissed his pants again/He don't give a damn," Warren Zevon's searing "Play It All Night Long." As a fallback, I guess Paul Simon's "Late in the Evening" or Hall & Oates' "Every Time You Go Away" could do -- but the people want their brucellosis.

Kim: I don’t love 1980 as a source for Danny – too many of the vanilla big ballads he’s been leaning on. I’d much rather throw him into 1992 with Allison and let him tackle any number of songs from that period. (“Jeremy”!) But 1980 it is – I’m going to resist the siren call of the lite-FM highlights of my youth and offer up “Heartache Tonight.” It’s got some opportunity to riff, some nice notes in that gruff-shouty zone everyone seems to like, and it’s neither boppy nor too glurgey. If he can’t resist the slow stuff, let him take on Mr. Raspy himself, Kenny Rogers, with “Don’t Fall in Love with a Dreamer.”

Lambert. 1982.

Kim: The whole ethos of Lambertosity cries out for a performance of “Tainted Love.” But if that’s either not singerly enough for him (although he has not been shy about reaching to the stratosphere to create new high notes where none previously existed), he should add a riff on Steve Perry to his repertoire. “Don’t Stop Believin’” is presumably off the table, given last week’s group sing, but Adam could do a mean “Open Arms.”

Adam: When Kim and I first started discussing this, we started with Lambert, and both of us gravitated to "Tainted Love" right away -- it gives him plenty of opportunities to wail and insinuate. He'd be fine with Journey, but not freaky. "Wall of Death" isn't going to happen ... but it could.

Isaac: I'd guess he'd pick a song like "Harden My Heart," which would give him a chance to do some more showy yelling at the top of his register, but I'd rather hear the Stones' "Waitin' On a Friend." The mood and tempo would prevent him from screaming like he's just been stabbed, but the song would still let him strut his Jagger-lite stuff and it has a nice very high falsetto part that Lambert could actually sing better than Mick.

Lil. 1984.

Isaac: She's kind of disappeared from the competition and needs to get back on track. "What's Love Got to Do With It" was hugely popular (#2 of the year), is recognizable for everybody in the Idol audience, would bring Rounds back to the self-reliant vibe that propelled her into the finals, and is by a certified diva. Or she could do "99 Luftballoons." [ed. note: in German? ] [author response: ja.]

Adam: She needs her swagger back, but staying in her box with Tina is too predictable; she's not winning the competition that way. Want a game-changer? Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind," a soul-gospel number that just happened to be recorded by a white man in drag.

Kim: Lil needs her groove back, in a serious, serious way. This is not the week for her to sing anything except “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” The thing is, Lil has been outside her box for so many weeks that getting back into it won’t be predictable – it will be a relief. Get back into your box, Lil, now! It’s a good box! If she tries to experiment with anything else, on the heels of meh performance after meh performance, she deserves to go home.

Matt. 1985.

Kim: Interestingly, this is the only year with multiple contestants. Kris, Matt, and Scott will all be battling it out for the best of 1985. First of all, someone needs to sing “Sea of Love” (which is one of my favorite songs, even if it’s not really from 1985), and while I will pluck my eyes out with a steak knife if it’s Scott, I’m kind of ambivalent as between Matt and Kris. Matt could do a nice bluesy take on it, which should satisfy both the judges and the viewers for a change. But for some reason I’m liking the idea of a more aggressive, predatory angle for Matt – I suspect that “I’m on Fire” might alienate more people than it would attract, but I’d like it, anyway.

Isaac: 1985 is either the high or low point for what we think of as 80s music, depending upon whether you wore your bra on the inside or outside of your shirt, I guess. Hard to find an obvious midtempo falsetto R&B song in 1985 to please the judges. He's going to have to rearrange, and I'll bet he could do a pretty good bluesy piano-bar reimagining of "Saving All My Love for You" that would please the judges and get him through to the next round. It would have to be piano-only; this is the kind of stuff that Ricky Minor's arranging absolutely ruins.

Adam: Whoever draws "No One Is To Blame" wins. I'd like it to be Matt.

Kris. 1985.

Adam. "All You Zombies"? It is Pesach week, after all. Dire Straits' "So Far Away" has a nice tone to it that he can match, as would Cougar's "Lonely Ol' Night" or "Small Town."

Kim: In contrast to Matt’s more bluesy take on “Sea of Love,” this could be another of those Tender Kris songs that everyone, myself included, seems to enjoy. Ditto “Heaven.” But Kris has been smart, smart, smart about song choice, and I suspect that he might want to consider moving in another direction to avoid pigeonholing. So here’s a different approach: how about something from Dream of the Blue Turtles? I know that the Sting’s rhythms can be tough, but I could imagine Kris pulling off something like a stripped-down guitar-only take on “Fortress Around Your Heart,” if it didn’t come off too stalkery. But hey, “Every Breath You Take” has been sung twice on the show without negative repercussions.

Isaac: He's at his best with a really strong melody. A guitar-only "Careless Whisper"? Or "Sea of Love," which, of course, is cheating. It's weird -- I have no desire to penalize Allen, unlike other contestants, for doing the most obvious songs.

Scott. 1985.

Isaac: You know he's going to do the most pointless dull filler, like "You Belong to the City" or "One More Night," but I have two suggestions. "We Built This City," which is indisputably the worst collection of sounds assembled together intentionally since the dawn of time, but which seems just about right, vocally and stylistically, for McIntyre; or, my preference, "Miami Vice Theme."

Adam: "Careless Whisper". Or "Part-Time Lover"; even though it didn't sink Covais, it's due.

Kim: I can’t waste any mental energy coming up with a serious song suggestion for Scott. As far as I’m concerned, there is one song and one song only for Scott to sing from 1985: “Too Late for Goodbyes.” Hyuk!

Anoop. 1986.

Adam: The problem with Anoop is that he's not a good enough dancer to sell the stuff that he's most amusing performing. He's reached his limit. So, yeah, there's a lot of stuff on Janet Jackson's "Control" on which he could underwhelm (or "Dancing on the Ceiling") but I'd rather he go straight ahead for the ironic exit and take on Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)." Either that, or pluck Gen X heartstrings with "In Your Eyes," or our parents' with Billy Joel's "This Is the Time."

Isaac: He has to do "Kiss," right? Why would he do anything else? Incidentally, "Party All the Time" was the #7 song of 1986, which is flabbergasting.

Kim: I hope Anoop resists the temptation of “Kiss,” because that song represents everything that Anoop wants to be and just isn’t. I think he’s stronger in the ballad realm, and it’s where the judges seem to like him as well. “No One Is to Blame” would showcase the nicer aspects of his voice, and if he could find a way to inject his personality into a ballad (i.e., without having to dance all over the stage wearing a Star Trek uniform and a sneer), so much the better.

Allison. 1992.

Isaac: 1992, to me, was musically the greatest of all years. Sadly, it's all music Iraheta has never heard of. "November Rain" could work, though it might need four times the 90 seconds allowed. I would be interested, which is not to say enthused, about hearing Iraheta on En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It" or REM's "Man on the Moon" (which Ricky Minor, again, would screw up, so forget it). It's more fun to fantasize about what I would do if I were given a chance at 1992, the year of Dry, Slanted and Enchanted, The Chronic, Harvest Moon, Incesticide, Let Me Come Over, March 16-20, 1992, Hollywood Town Hall, Check Your Head, and Joshua Judges Ruth.

Kim: She has lucked out, being the only contestant young enough to pick from the early 90s instead of the 80s. Allison needs to connect with the audience in a way that she usually doesn’t – she has a tendency to sing to the rafters rather than the viewers. I think she’d do a knockout job on “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” especially if she used the Tori Amos arrangement. Ditto on something from Achtung Baby – a dialed-back performance of “One” without too much involvement from the band could be really amazing.

Adam: So many good albums from that year, and I agree on Achtung Baby as being a source, but I'd go with the album closer "Love Is Blindness," a bit obscure off that album but a song with some serious emotion to sell. Among the better-known songs of that year, no one's ever attempted Annie Lennox's "Why" on Idol, and Iraheta has the pipes to try it. One tip, if she does: when you get to "this is what I feel" towards the end? Have the music stop before the line, and just stop right there. Just like Lennox at Live 8. [Added note: Tori Amos' "Little Earthquakes" is also 1992, but a 16-year-old singing "Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon -- how's that thought for you?" is not something I expect to see on Idol. Or, per Isaac's suggestion, "Sheela-na-gig."]

WEST COAST BEE CALL (no different from the East Coast except three hours later): Here’s what I hate about the Bee in Primetime: the cuteness. The “hey, look at the cute kids” of it all. The cute videos, the cute promo spots, the sugar-y cutie pie cuteness goes directly against the hardcore sport of spelling. On ESPN, the finals are dry, bland, almost cold in their directness. Here, on network, the Bee is forced into a charming 2 hour ratings moment. Don’t get me wrong. I write Grey’s Anatomy and I work for ABC – I love a good ratings moment. But I like my Bee like I like my tennis – hard court, lots of grunting and vicious competition.

So I pour myself a glass of red wine, settle in with a fresh pair of flannel pajamas and start channeling my inner geek with glee. Primetime or not, I love the Bee. I love it. I love the celebration of intelligence, the championing of nerd-ship, of the brotherhood of brainiac. This is why the Bee should be on primetime network television. So that the Steve Jobs in all of us gets some real screen time. So that the incredible freakiness of spelling into your hand has an audience. A chance to shine. A chance to let every kid who spends his evenings rocking back and forth in his bedroom dreading the misery of junior high see that it is going to be okay. That geekiness has a freaking point! The Bee is a nerd manifesto! WHOO-HOO!

Okay, maybe too much wine. But you get my point, right?

8:09 pm: Horton Hears A Who Boy (Jonathan Horton) goes out on his very first word. Girolle (dude, these words are hard). It’s heartbreaking as this is his last year but he is gracious to the end, remembers to say “thank you” after Bossy But Cute (BBC) Jacques Bailly gives him the correct spelling. Later, when he is interviewed, he weeps. He’s shocked and weeping but a gentleman and I adore him for it.

8:10 pm: Evan O’Dorney, my personal favorite is up. He’s an adorable pint-size spelling genius and I know in my heart that one day he’ll create some kind of amazing box-type object that will change the world somehow. Ooh! And he gets his word right! I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed…

8:14 pm: I’m a little worried about Tia Thomas. First of all, her parents make sure to tell us she is adopted. And then they make sure to tell us that she is not a nerd. As if to say, “y’all, we have no idea where this freaky brainy kid comes from so don’t blame us for her weirdness.” But they clearly love her so I’ll forgive them. Plus, she knits some kind of booties or hats for preemie babies so she gets extra points for being Harvard application ready at only 12 years old. However, she goes down quickly with “zacate” – a word I have never heard of and could never spell. I love that she curls up on her father’s lap for comfort. I want to see what this kid does next year.

We’ve lost three of the first four spellers. This Bee might be the shortest ever.

8:16 pm: My ten year old nephew emails to tell me that BBC Jacques Bailly is pronouncing all the words wrong. I tell him about Samir Patel. He takes this in. My nephew is a future Champion of the Bee. His name is Christian Bailey. Wait for him.

8:26 pm: Joseph Henares continues to be a network’s dream. He’s audience-charming, telling BBC that instead of “punaise”, he prefers its definition – bedbug. He gets his word right and moves on.

8:47 pm: Connor Spencer wows the crowd with his spelling of the word “helzel”. Once again, he spells into his number placard before speaking out loud and once again he pumps his fist. I dig him but his charm is starting to wear a little old – been there, done that. I’m begging the TV for him to do an end zone dance instead of a fist pump next time.

Important Discussion Question: what do you think BBC Jacques Bailly does with his time the rest of the year? Does he sit in a room alone pronouncing words? Or does he frolic on a beach with babes? What IS the secret life of BBC Jacques Bailly?

Matthew Evans sails through on “genizah” – which, obviously, is a storeroom or repository in a synagogue used for discarded, damaged or defective books, papers and sacred objects. Obviously. I’m starting to feel like an uneducated moron.

8:55 pm: Prateek Kohli has a mustache and attends a place someone was crazy enough to call Hicksville Middle School. I feel for him. But he spells “rigaree” like a champ.

9:01 pm: Amy Chyao is gone on “grognard” – the only word I actually knew how to spell. I feel smarter than a kid which is sad but all I have. Now, there’s only one girl left in the Bee – Isabel Jacobson. She’s the last hope for the vah-jay-jay crowd and I’m now rooting for her like crazy. Her word is “helodes” – and she rocks it. 7 spellers remain as Round 7 ends and we head for commercial and I head for more wine…

9:10 pm: First word up in Round 8, Bossy But Cute Jacques Bailly loses his mind and gives my sweet Evan O’Dorney the word “schuhplattler” which has such a long definition that I can’t even type it here. Even the audience is laughing. But Evan rocks his word and lives to fight another round.

I’ve just noticed that Joseph Henares forgets to move his arms when he walks and I love him for it. He’s the perfect Bee competitor. His word is “triticale” which is an amphidiploid hybrid between wheat and rye. I don’t know why anyone would want to eat a hybrid between wheat and rye but Joseph spells it flawlessly and heads back to his seat, arms frozen.

9:21 pm: Dude! Connor Spencer is down! He’s down! On “cachalot”! He’s down!!!! No more spelling into his number placard! It’s over for Connor! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I’m heartbroken. In the geek-roundup only Frozen Arm Boy is left as the biggest geek contender now.

BBC seems to be loving the French-origin words. Is it just me or is everything either French-sprung or Hebrew-sprung tonight? We lose Matthew Evans on “fauchard” and now only five spellers remain.

It strikes me as freaky that our White House least interested in being smart is hosting the spelling champs. I mean, Bush is nothing if not a frat boy who teased the geeks. Right? It gives me the oogy bumps. But maybe that’s just me.

9:33 pm: Round 9 begins with Evan O’Dorney who is from California (my state, by the way). Evan rolls through “laquear” like it’s no big thing. Then Nate Gartke steps up to the microphone. Up until now, I’ve ignored Nate Gartke because he’s Canadian…okay, not really. I dig Canada as much as anyone. No, I’ve ignored him because he’s so quiet and unassuming that I thought he’d never make it. But, here under the sparkly lights of primetime finals, he’s so full of confidence and spells so brilliantly that I’m getting the itchy feeling that maybe this Bee might belong to Canada.

9:40 pm: Joseph Henares has been given what I believe to be an impossible word. Aniseikonia. Can he do it? Can he? Ooh, he has braces. Braces and glasses – now I really love him because he reminds me of me and... Oops. He went down on the word. He’s gone. Only 4 spellers left! And now we’ve just lost Prateek! He’s down! And then Isabel is given the disturbing word “cyanophycean” which sounds like a disease but is really a blue green algae. And she’s out. Which means we now head into the Championship Rounds -- only two spellers remain. Nate Gartke and my Evan O’Dorney.

I told you. I’m just saying…

Championship Round: Evan is on his game – calm, mellow and self-assured. Go Evan! I can’t help but root against Nate who seems like a sweet kid and just as self-assured – he’s just not my Evan who I feel I’ve watched grow up here on this stage.

These final rounds are not that exciting. Why? Because there’s a commercial break every five seconds. I love commercials. I believe in commercials. I just want to see my Bee without so many breaks. I want to see the sweat on the brows of Evan and Nate. Also, it’s delaying the airing of Grey’s Anatomy. And I like Grey’s Anatomy.

10:04 pm: I dig Evan’s ears. He’s got the kind of face that is going to grow into those ears and be fantastic. He spells “yosenabe” like it’s nothing, no thang but a chicken wing, and keeps on moving. I’m so impressed.

Ach! Nate went down on coryza! I was barely paying attention cause he was so confident! He went down! Now, Evan must get the next word right in order to win.

The word is “serrefine” which is a word I instinctively spelled wrong. But Evan gets it right and-

EVAN GETS IT RIGHT!

I CALLED THE WINNER OF THE BEE CORRECTLY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!!!

I don’t know which is more exciting – me being right or Evan being right. Clearly, it should be Evan. But I’ve had some wine and it’s all unclear.

As I do every year, I get a little misty at the end of the Bee. But this year, I’m less misty than usual. Cause there was something missing. Some...magic. Magic was missing. Did anybody else feel that way?

Oh well. Bee Season over.

THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE: I suppose this story began last night. My wife and I were in our convertible on our way to dinner at a local Italian restaurant. The top was down, the night was warm -- you get the picture.

We were listening to a mix-CD I'd made featuring the "Philadelphia Sound" -- Teddy Pendergrass, the O'Jays, the Soul Survivors, and similar artists. On came an obscure early Hall and Oates song "It's Uncanny" (you might want to skip past the interview with Hall at the start the of the youtube clip; the song actually begins at about 2:00). The song was from an album called "No Goodbyes" that Atlantic released after the group left the label around 1977. I had bought that album on LP when I was in college.

Near the end of college, I was involved in serious romance, which continued for a year or so after I graduated (the woman was still an undergraduate). The romance ended suddenly and unhappily for me (that's the nice way of saying I got dumped). I decided to move as far away from the east coast as I could in a bid for a fresh start. I got a job in San Francisco and moved across the country, packing everything I owned into my tiny hatchback. I sold the "No Goodbyes" LP, along with perhaps one-third of my LPs, at the famous Princeton Record Exchange a week or two before I moved since I did not have room in my car for all of my records.

My wife was digging "It's Uncanny" as we drove along. She'd never heard the song before. I told her about a similar song on the same LP called "Love You Like a Brother." Then I told her the story about the broken romance (well, she'd heard about the romance, but not about the LPs). I told her that I regretted having sold my only copy of the LP since that song was so good and I did not have it on CD.

"Love You Like a Brother" kept going through my head last night. This morning it was still "playing" in my mind. So I decided to buy myself a copy. But for the life of me, I could not find it anywhere. Not on amazon, not on BMG, not even on iTunes. I couldn't even find any indication that the song had ever existed on the normally thorough allmusic.com.

Finally, I did a search for the album "No Goodbyes" and discovered that it had never been released as a CD and that perhaps half the songs on it, including "Love You Like a Brother" had never been released on any compilation CD. I was able to find it for sale on LP. A dilemma loomed.

Up until about a year ago, I had a high-end "audiophile" turntable. One of my sons (inadvertently) had damaged the tonearm. The repair would have cost over $600, so I decided to sell the turntable as is to a vinyl junkie who lived near Allentown. Since then, I have used an inexpensive turntable from my sister's college stereo system, but it's just not the same as listening to LPs played on a high quality turntable. As a result, I now rarely listen to my collection of perhaps 750 LPs.

In the end, my jonesing for the song got the better of me. I ordered the LP. Soon, my wife will at long last experience this nugget of Philly soul gold.

So, I suppose this tale lends itself to a few questions. Does anyone else still listen to vinyl? Does anyone else love high-end stereo systems? Does anyone else regret having sold an album (or a book or similar item)? Has anyone else followed a compulsion for a particular song as far as I just did? And might I assume that we have all done some dramatic things in response to dashed romantic dreams as I did post-college?

EKATERINA GORDEEVA, COME ON BACK: In preparation for tonight's Olympic pairs figure skating long program, ALOTT5MA Award-Winning Correspondent Gretchen reviews last night's short program:

Last night, the short program in pairs figure skating demonstrated just how good the best figure skaters in the world really are -- and how far the rest of the field has to go. Chinese pairs Shen and Zhao set the bar with the very first program of the night. While I wasn't particularly moved by the performance (and affirmatively hated the arrangement of "Who Wants To Live Forever"), their extraordinary execution, including perfect unison on jumps and turns, crisp throws, and clean lifts, made everyone else look a little shabby for the rest of the night. The other highlight was Savchenko and Szolkowy. I love their skating and their theatricality -- on a night where everyone was telling love stories, it was great to see a pair embrace unusual costuming and emotions. By contrast, both American pairs were enthusiastic, energetic, and charming -- but not in the same league as the gold medal contenders. (Both American pairs, however, chose great music -- especially Evora and Ludwig, with themes from the score of Love Actually.)

Going into tonight's finals, the real question is whether the judges will be able to stomach a podium without a gold for a Russian team. Kavaguti (the Japanese woman who gave up her Japanese citizenship to become a Russian pairs skater) and Smirnov are probably the best-placed of the Russians to pull off a medal. Their highest score for the free program in international competition was a 139.23, at the European championships, which (though probably inflated) is consistent with the Shen/Zhao all-time high of 138.89. (By contrast, the highest score Canadian skaters Dube and Davison have ever pulled off was a 124.12.) Kavaguti and Smirnov are also coached by the legendary Tamara Moskvina, whom the judges adore (or fear). But none of the Russians are really dominant favorites -- and Chinese skaters Zhang and Zhang or Pang and Tong could make a run at the podium. And if the judges continue to prop up the Canadians, as they did with Dube and Davison's component scores, it's possible that we'd see a non-Russian gold medalist for the first time in twelve years.

Feel free to live-blog in the comments during tonight's competition.

added: Related -- Sarah Stodola on why Russian male figure skaters are such heartthrobs compared to their American counterparts.

SO IF YOU BELIEVE IN FATHER CHRISTMAS, CHILDREN, LIKE YOUR UNCLE BILLY DOES, THEN BUY THIS FESTERING TURD OF A RECORD: Given the fact that it's been invoked in two separate threads for entirely different reasons today, it's worth noting that I really liked Love Actually when it was released three years ago, and think it holds up exceptionally well as one of the new members of the romantic comedy pantheon. (How do I know it's in the pantheon? Just look at the sheer volume of its IMDB quote list -- you'd think it had "Lord" and "Rings" in the title.)

It is manipulative as hell, and doesn't say anything really new about love, but there's nothing wrong with manipulation done right -- though, as I asked back then, "Does Colin Firth have it in his contract that he has to have a scene in every movie where he's moving determinedly through the streets in pursuit of love?"

When you catch it midway on cable, it's hard to change the channel, and I like it even more now that I understand that the guy in the porn subplot is the "Jim" in the UK's The Office. Does anyone not like the movie?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, MY NAME ISN'T KIM COSMOPOLITAN: Thanks for the introduction, Adam. I’ve been looking forward to joining the exalted ranks of ALOTT5MA contributors for a long time.

As Adam noted, I believe that the work of J.J. Abrams has gotten short shrift on the otherwise fulsome and incisive television coverage around here. What does that mean? It’s time to bring the Alias. And the Lost. And no doubt a bunch of other stuff. But definitely the Alias.

If you don’t watch Alias yet, let me get you up to speed on what you’ve missed for the last four seasons. (No, there is too much. Let me sum up.) Sydney Bristow is a spy. And so’s her dad, and her mom, and her fiancé (but not her dead fiancé), and her half-sister, and those of her best friends who haven’t died two or three times or else been forced into the witness protection program. Oh, and there’s a guy named Milo Rambaldi – a 15th century inventor, prophet, and all-around MacGuffin. (That’s it for the back-story. TWoP will, of course, be happy to provide you with more detailed reenactments of each and every episode.)

So here we are. Hanging out for the summer after J.J. Abrams’s cliffhanger du jour. Traditionally, J.J. gives good cliffhanger:

Season One: “Mom!?”
Season Two: “You’ve been missing for almost two years.”
Season Three: “Sydney, you were never supposed to have found this.”
Season Four: “Well, for starters, my name isn’t Michael Vaughn.”

Only one of these has been a clunker so far: Season 3. After a fantastic set-up, the ABC honchos delivered an ultimatum: ATTENTION J.J.! PLEASE MAKE THIS SHOW MORE ACCESSIBLE TO THE LAW-AND-ORDER-CROWD-THAT-DOESN’T-WISH-TO-FOLLOW-PLOT-ARCS-SPANNING-MORE-THAN-A-SINGLE-EPISODE. IN EXCHANGE FOR THIS FAVOR, WE WILL GIVE ALIAS THE PRIMO SLOT RIGHT AFTER THAT OTHER KICKASS NEW SHOW YOU’RE CREATING FOR US. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER. NOW GO SCREW UP YOUR CLIFFHANGER. So a top secret CIA document about a project initiated on Sydney’s date of birth and run by Jack Bristow (almost certainly intended to include further insight into the brilliant Project Christmas that so tantalized us and Will Tippin back in Season Two) somehow became a document explaining simply that Jack had killed Irina Derevko, Sydney’s mom, in 2004. Uh huh.

Which brings us to the latest season-ending HUH? Vaughn isn’t Vaughn? Then who is he? And perhaps more importantly, does J.J. himself know, or are he and a gaggle of Alias writers sitting off in a conference room for the summer saying, “Ok, what if he’s actually his dad, BILL Vaughn, and he drank some of that Rambaldi green stuff to transform him into an eight-year-old so he could protect The Chosen One from the Messenger?” “No, I’ve got a better one: maybe the real Michael Vaughn died in the Big Red Ball of Goop Incident from the Season One finale and Sloane used the DNA duplicating device from Season Two to turn someone into a new Faux Vaughn to keep an eye on Sydney!” “Wait, what if he’s actually a fourth Derevko sister?” “Dude, what if Vaughn is actually Rambaldi??”

Personally, I think there are a number of paths they could take to give this cliffhanger a really satisfying resolution. The thing that concerns me is that most of them require a whole lot of knowledge of the Alias universe, which isn’t the path that the ABC brass have been looking for from the show. Then again, rumors abound that Season Five will be Alias’s last. So if you’re already a lame duck, why not make the show’s curtain call the kind of complicated, convoluted dance that the party faithful will love? Tell us what the hell Arvin Sloane, Jack Bristow, and Irina Derevko have really been up to for all these years. Bring back Francie/Allison. Let’s see Sark and the purloined test tube of green goo (said green goo may be necessary to deal with Jen Garner’s unfortunate-on-so-many-levels pregnancy, anyway). Bring back Will Tippin and let him get to the bottom of Project Christmas. Get Kendall off that island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean for a little while. And no one actually thinks that Lauren is dead, do they?

I guess it’s time to see whether there’s a subset of ALOTT5MA’s readership that actually cares about Alias. So who’s this not-Vaughn guy, anyway? And how would you like to see J.J. handle Season Five? Remember, J.J. and the gang are hanging out in that conference room, looking for inspiration wherever they can get it. Perhaps they'll find it here.

Rated:

For the second in our series of roundtables looking back at the TV season, we consider things that either were underrated or were too seldom discussed. Hint: None of these involved Melissa Rycroft.

Phil: I'm not sure it is truly under-appreciated (couple of Emmys, big kudos to the senior lead, Mrs. Bullock and others supporting), but it has gone un-discussed around these parts: I have been sucked into Breaking Bad. They made it easy to catch up on the first season during the run-up to the second season premiere and I have watched every episode enthusiastically down the stretch. The finale is waiting on the DVR when I get back from this trip. The amazing thing about the show is that it has managed to remain humorous while slowly raising the stakes surrounding each character's transgressions, difficulties, and compromises. It's hard to do real justice to the darkness and absurdity without dissuading potential viewers. Folks will just wind up thinking, "but I don't WANT to see a methamphetamine addict crushed under the ATM machine he was foolish enough to steal but too foolish to pry open, even if it is a murderous act of his skanky heroin-addicted wife that is thereafter humorously attributed to one of the show's hapless and harmless (but for being a meth dealer) protagonists." That's what I'd be thinking, if it were described to me. Turns out I do very much want to see exactly that, the severed head of a Mexican Mob informant riding a turtle through the desert, and much, much more. Perhaps the highlight this season for me personally was when the junior protagonist explains to the senior protagonist that, in their business, he doesn't need a criminal lawyer, he needs a criminal lawyer. Very well acted, and believable in a moment-to-moment way even when implausibly plotted. Side effects may include an nagging urge to shave one's head, desensitization to half-screen promotional animations for In Plain Sight, and actual occassional (perhaps semi-regrettable) viewing of In Plain Sight (which, let's face it, is for girls).

Adam: Can we please start discussing Michael Emerson as one of tv's best character actors? I have no idea what he'll do after LOST -- can he be a romcom lead? -- but if he doesn't win an Emmy in these last two years, something is wrong.

Bob: Among under-discussed shows, 24 comes to mind, which I still watch. I would describe the season that ended recently as diverting, but not resoundingly good. The show was resoundingly good in its first season and has been uneven in subsequent seasons. Because of the DirecTV deal, we did not discuss FNL as much this season as we used to do, but I found this season very enjoyable.

Isaac: The supporting cast of Chuck gets not enough love. Sure, it gets plenty of love from a few people, but really, not enough mainstream love. Ryan McParlin takes a character that in most hands would be a complete fratty douchebag and instead turns him into a stout, charming lug. Josh Gomez is terrific in a role with an impossible job description: bridge the gap believably between the cartoon world of the Buy More, the action world of Chuck's spy life, and the humanity of Chuck's real world, while adding some pathos of his own. As for Jeffster!, well, duh, Jeffster! And I'll second Bob's mention of FNL -- because of its weird split season, it flew under the radar. The Smash sendoff and the finale were pantheon-level, though. In a season of awesome surprising renewals, FNL's was the best.

Matt: Let's distinguish between shows that are underdiscussed here and those that are underdiscussed in the mainstream media. Sure, I could toss out things like Alan Tudyk's performance in the last couple of episodes of Dollhouse, pretty much the entirety of the cast of Friday Night Lights, or the wonder of Adam Baldwin's grunts, but those get enough attention here. I'll offer up a pair of shows we've rarely talked about and that don't get a ton of critical love, or even love from gossips like Ausiello, though: (1) "My Boys"--We talk a lot about how HIMYM is, in some ways, the new Friends, but this arguably shares a little more of the traditional sitcom DNA than does HIMYM, and the performances are all big fun. Sure, some of the characters can be one-note, but Jim Gaffigan in particular consistently brings the funny, and the character are pretty much all people who you actually like and want to hang out with even despite douchebag intervention. And by largely abandoning serialized stories this season and leaving the utterly implausible "PJ is a sportswriter!" plotlines, it's gotten even more solid. Sadly, it won't be back for a full a year. (2) "NCIS"--In the endless wasteland of CBS's alphabet soup of police procedurals, this is the only one I've picked up watching on a regular basis. Yes, the mysteries are often either ones you figure out immediately or ones that follow the "Oh my god! The bad guy is suddenly chasing us!" model made popular by Sue Grafton, but it's not about plot. It's about characters, who are genuinely likable. Indeed, in a lot of ways, it's a family drama with Mark Harmon as the father figure, Michael Weatherly and Cote De Pablo as the squabbling teenagers, Sean Murray and Pauley Perrette as the dorky kids, and David McCallum as the grandfather. While other CBS shows try to hip themselves up--the de-geeking of the CSI franchise is notable in recent years and the backdoor pilot of NCIS: LA lacked any charm whatsoever, in part because the characters were all "awesome!"--this one keeps it on the level.

Kim: I was genuinely shocked a few weeks ago when I heard that Without a Trace had been cancelled -- both by the fact of the cancellation itself and by the media silence surrounding the cancellation. This for a show that was garnering 12.5 million viewers per week and consistently landing in the Nielsen top 20, after having endured several timeslot shifts to help CBS bolster underperforming nights. Without a Trace had a great cast (Anthony LaPaglia! Marianne Jean-Baptiste! Poppy Montgomery!) and compelling storylines, not to mention a big fat Bruckheimer budget -- reportedly around $3mm per episode. In the current "give Jay Leno 1/3 of all NBC primetime programming hours" environment, I guess the cancellation of an expensive eight-year-old procedural shouldn't come as that much of a surprise, but it's odd to me that the show will end its run much as it lived it -- without a trace.

IT'S NO BATTLE OF THE BRIANS, BUT NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE: Regular reader Gretchen knows more about figure skating than most of us, and has graciously agreed to file regular reports on the competition. Here's her take on the men's short program:

As a disclaimer, I don't actually know anything about figure skating. I'm just a law student with free time and Google, so this is my internet-educated take on the men's short program, skater by skater.

One preliminary note: At each event under the COP system, there is a technical caller who makes the actual calls on each element that is attempted. Was it a lutz? A flip? The technical caller decides. The judges subsequently issue grades of execution on how well (or how poorly) the element was executed. The NBC cameras showed that the technical caller tonight was Viktor Petrenko. Intriguingly, when Plushy got married this summer, guess who was in attendance as an honored guest? That's right-Viktor Petrenko. In a small community like elite figure skating, this is bound to happen - but it's still a little alarming, especially in a sport that has been plagued by scandal.

Takahashi (Tango Roxanne and selections from Moulin Rouge): Once he got his feet under him, he did really well. It was a great choice of music, great expression, great timing of footwork to the music-footwork can be incredibly inspiring when it's choreographed to a big build in the music. Love the style. He's 19, he'll be a face to watch.

Plushenko (Puccini, Tosca): I love Plushy! He's skating tonight to Tosca, which is music that Michelle Kwan has also recently used. He's dominant, he's an artist, he's an athlete, and he's a Russian diva. He has had some ridiculous-looking costumes in the past, but tonight's black is classy, and thank the lord that he's not wearing the hideous gloves of yesteryear. Plus his hair, while still mullet-esque, is much better. The quad toe triple toe was fabulous to watch, mostly because you got the sense for a moment that he could have lost it and he didn't. I love his hands on his spins-the movements are clean, intentional, well executed. He just has so much more choreography - his skates with his whole body and throws himself into the work. You can see it in his spins, in his transitions, in his footwork. Lots of people say he "flails." I can sort of see their point, but it really works for me. His final spin combo was not particularly theatrical, as Scott Hamilton points out, but gets him the points. That's the problem with the COP. Just imagine what it would have looked like to hold the spin in a classic position and just work it all the way around. He would have gotten the crowd to their feet. Instead, he got the highest men's point total in the short program.

Jeffrey Buttle (Louis Prima, Sing Sing Sing): This is light, jazzy, sassy. That's the amazing thing about the shorts - they are jam-packed with these eight required elements, but the choice of music and choreography makes them really different. He uses music with a vocalist scatting. The rule is that you cannot use music with sung lyrics, but you can use music where the human voice is used as an instrument. You'll hear this again in Sasha Cohen's short program. Love the finale to his skate. You're not allowed to touch the boards-but he skated right up to it, then kicked back and ended up in a slouch on the ice. It's so charming and adorable. Wow, the cameras sure pulled up to his face the minute the producers saw tears. This is why they call it the kiss and cry - with the trouble he had on the jumps, I'm sure that he's just really disappointed. But honestly, folks, he FELL. And his marks weren't that bad. One of the major criticisms of the COP is that it fails to adequately penalize falls (Zhang and Zhang, I'm talking to you) and Jeff Buttle's marks may indicate that.

Stephane Lambiel (Cirque du Soleil). This is an interesting music choice. I really love the strength in his body and his power. I am just amazed by these quad-triple jump combinations. They're so hard to do and the skaters have to be moving so fast to rotate their bodies that many times. Stephane's triple was partly amazing because he literally just hurtled his body into a triple with very little momentum to propel him forward.I like the footwork, but this is a footwork sequence that could be really brilliant if he timed them to more of a crescendo in the music.There was something really sexy about the program - and I swear it's not just that I think he's cute! But the pulse of the music and his choreography create an intensity and a physicality that I really like.

Johnny Weir (The Swan, by Camille Saint-Saens): Oh, Johnny Weir. I love this guy. But instead of rhapsodizing about how charming I think he is, I'll just give you a few choice quotes:

On his delight to be in the Olympic Village with other athletes: "We're [usually] just subjected to figure skating people and tiny skinny girls."

On his fashion choices at a press conference: "The next morning the papers came out and all of a sudden I was causing a stir because I told Phil Hersh he looked thin and I was wearing a chinchilla scarf that someone thought was a boa. First of all, boas are so out. Secondly, I would never wear a boa to a press conference."

On his one red glove, Camille: "He's my evil side. He didn't get to rock it today because that was all me, but when I skate poorly, I blame it on my glove."

For lots more Johnny Weir fun, including scandalous photos taken by Nigel Barker(yes, the Friend of Tyra and ANTM judge), check out his website.

Tomas Verner: This is a great program, but he can't quite pull it off. Still, he's 19 and he's got time.

Kevin Van Der Perren: I could hardly pay attention to this because I was so distracted by the big red EXIT on his back. But when I focused, I really enjoyed it. It didn't seem to have the transitional elements of the other top skaters, but his jumps were powerful and I really liked the techno-inspired choreography. Sandra Bezic said that he was a better skater than the program allowed him to be - and I really see what she means. The choreography is essential here; your program has to be a brilliant synthesis of the very most difficult elements you can get in without losing speed or style or technical merit. And Kevin's program just didn't have enough built into it, I think.

For a really fun take on techno skating, go find a video of Stephanie Rosenthal's short program in the US 2006 Nationals. It's totally unusual and very fun. [Note from Adam: I absolutely agree. She's the future.]

Matt Savoie (Samuel Barber, Adagio for Strings): Matt's going to law school in the fall and he has a master's degree in urban planning, so I'm automatically fond of him. His first three jumps were just gorgeous - his landing positions were so clean and elegant. One thing to watch is the fluidity of Matt's skating - he has what the commentators like to call soft knees. I was really disappointed to see that he stumbled out of the lutz - what a bummer. But his musicality and his performance was just beautiful. I love that final spin he does - almost like a death spiral.

Brian Joubert (James Bond music): I don't think you get to dress like James Bond (complete with more lettering across the back- this one a"007") unless you can land your first jump!

Evan Lysacek (paso doble): He had a painful fall on his first element, a triple axel. Bummer, because he is a really talented guy. I had hoped that he would do better.

Emmanuel Sandhu: It's ridiculous, because he could be so amazing and instead he's just so inconsistent. He's like the Sasha Cohen of the men's skating world!

* * *

I thought that tonight was a huge improvement from the pairs competition - there was more energy, more speed, and more passion. One interesting thing is that because of the COP, you just don't see as many quads as you used to. They appear in combinations, but not as often as we saw in Salt Lake. Why? Because the COP doesn't reward you enough for the risk of a quad. They continue to be very important - but they're not everywhere. It will be interesting to see if Johnny Weir goes for a quad (or the quad-triple-triple that he tried in practice) in a last-ditch effort to shoot past Plushenko.

Seriously, Gretchen, thanks.

THE ONLY THING THAT'LL STOP JOHNNY WEIR FROM SHOPPING: Women's figure skating long program. Gretchen, break it down:

As a result of herculean effort (okay, and because I spent most of the afternoon sitting in traffic on the Tappan Zee), I am totally unspoiled for this competition. Hurray! I’m so excited. I just got here and went straight to the TV.

Silvia Fontana looks great, as usual. I think her dress is really classy and beautiful, and she’s one of the few women who can carry off the gold color. I love the expression on her face before she goes into her jumps; that is one determined woman. Her spins aren’t very fast and her extension isn’t great. This music is absolutely lovely; Puccini makes for amazing skating performances. Oh, her final sequence—a jump into a triple and a spin, culminating in footwork, was just perfect! You can see the joy and emotion on her face (Fiance: you can actually feel her emotion.) How triumphant for Silvia. She has tears in her eyes and that performance, though technically inadequate, was so moving.

Commentator: It’s been an emotional week for Silvia; during her practices, the arena would fill up and her countrymen just love to watch her.

Fiance: I bet her countrymen love to watch her. I love to watch her and I’m not even Italian!

Miki Ando: The Japanese press has been stalking her; I’ve seen articles where her classmates at school bitch about how she’s allowed to dye her hair even when it’s against the rules because she’s a skater. But that’s mild compared to the insults she’s gotten for gaining some weight; in Japan, the press calls her Lard Lady. Which is, obviously, ridiculous.

Tugba Karademir: Pretty costume; it’s a black halter dress with minimal sequining and a cream-colored underskirt that creates some visual interest (I mean, aside from the visual interest of all those leg lifts). She doubled her first two triple attempts. I think her music could have been better-selected; it would be nice to see her skate to something with more drama and intensity. But she is a lovely skater and it was so gratifying to see her happiness with a personal best. Figure skating is such a US-dominated sport that her story—moving from Turkey to Canada to pursue her dream—is really exceptional. Some of the great figure skaters—Michelle Kwan, Sasha Cohen, Kristi Yamaguchi—have been first-or-second generation immigrants. I wonder if that’s significant?

Visa is still running commercials featuring Michelle Kwan, which is intriguing. I wonder how much longer she’ll be the face of US figure skating?

* * *

Blonde Finnish Skater: Love her hair, not so crazy about the blue bows in a diagonal pattern across the dress. She really telegraphs her jumps, which means that she takes forever to set up her jumps and you can see them coming in her program. Her music is sort of sprightly, but really, really boring. She did a pretty sultry spiral, with one hand running over her body. Finland is hot. Her footwork, though, is totally uninspiring. She looks thrilled with her program, even though I wasn’t equally thrilled.

Elena Sokolova (Russia). I love her outfit; it’s totally scandalous. The whole back of the costume is totally open. Like Johnny Weir, she’s wearing a single glove. Unlike Johnny Weir, the glove does not have a name. I thought her spirals were wobbly. I really like this program; it’s fast and there is a great footwork sequence. But she’s not in shape and the performance looked sloppy.

Dick Button: “I’m sorry to be so negative.”
Gretchen: “You’re not sorry! You live for this! Embrace the snark, Uncle Dick!”

Liu Yan (China): Really pretty spins with an innovative catchfoot position. Dick Button wants her to do a better job tying her shoelaces. What a ridiculous critique! I mean, I’m allowed to make those sorts of comments, but I’m typing from my living room couch, not broadcasting to millions. Oh no, now Sandra Bezic is piling on. This wasn’t a bad program. It was just boring. Thank God for Silvia Fontana; she’s been the only really fabulous skate of the evening.

Sasha Cohen looks like an elf; she’s got huge features, a tiny face, and her ears stick out. I never figured it out until now.

Susanna Poykio: She’s using the same music as Sasha Cohen will, but with less oomph. You know, I like her skating, but she strikes some incredibly unattractive, undoubtedly high point-value positions, including my all time least favorite, the spiral with the leg in front, which I think looks like preparation for an uncomfortable gynocological procedure. She missed the end of the music by at least 10 seconds.

* * *

Miki Ando, on the ice, not looking particularly lardy. Apparently, the Japanese press also calls her Mikitty as a nickname, so when she gained the weight, they began referring to her as Fat Cat. They said that she was eating too much American food, too. I can’t believe I’m repeating all of this stuff. But you know, her costuming choices are not doing her any favors; she chooses fabrics that are too heavy and that add too much volume to her hips and thighs. Miki keeps brushing just by the boards; I get the feeling that she doesn’t have a strong sense of her position on the rink. She fell on her quad attempt, but you know, good for her for making the attempt. She didn’t have a medal shot and it would have made history to have landed it.

This is an unbelievably bad performance. Also, she has a wedgie. I don’t think Miki was well-trained going into this performance; she looks out of shape, her elements are terrible, and there’s virtually no artistry. That was terrible. Oh, the Japanese press is going to massacre her. And I cannot believe that she pulled down a score of 85, when she’s clearly been the worst skater we’ve seen on TV thus far. I’ll have to go back and look at the detailed scoring breakdowns, but intuitively, this doesn’t make sense to me.

Emily Hughes (USA!): Hughes The Younger was so spunky on Tuesday night that she earned a ton of good will, at least from me. But I still predict she falls. She clearly loves blue, since this costume is basically her short program costume but without sleeves. Wow, she nailed her first three jumping passes, including a three-jump combination. Oh, so disappointing for her to fall on that easy jump, not even in combination. Emily has a really nice spread eagle position; her Ina Bauer is not so good. I do like her (THREE) Biellman positions and nice, low sit spin. She is so feisty. This wasn’t the skate of her life, but it was an amazing performance for her first senior international ladies’ competition. Well done, Emily. I predict that she is the next Irina Slutskaya—the energy, the attack remind me of Irina.These scores are huge compared to the rest of the field thus far. Of course the good skaters are yet to compete, but she should be proud of her scores.

Apple should pay the skaters for all of the shots of them warming up with their iPods planted firmly in their ears. Those white cords dangle from every skater’s head. Anybody want to guess what Sasha was listening to?

NBC Promo for tomorrow night’s Exhibition: “No rules: just elegance, style, passion.” I think NBC is clearly acknowledging that the new COP has driven some of that out of the competitive performances.

Sarah Meier (Switzerland) wins the award for sexiest wearing of a bodysuit. Her spins look much better tonight than they did during her short program. Fiance thinks that her costume look like she’s wearing a Russian eagle across her chest. She landed a great combination.

* * *

One quick observation: skaters are judged on what they do, not what they planned to do. So if a skater hits a double instead of a triple, she gets the lower point value, but is not penalized for “missing” a planned element.

Elene Gedevanishvili (Georgia): Her starting jumps are high and lovely. Her costume, however, is hideous. She’s entirely in black, which is very conservative and makes her look old. And I think she just falters; maybe she’s nervous, or maybe she just is young, but she can’t keep the focus through the entire program. I think her footwork is really indicative of her inexperience; I’m not an expert (obviously) but I’d be surprised if her footwork was more than a level 2. Scott Hamilton keeps calling her a star on the rise—but while I like Elene, I don’t see what makes her so much better than, for example, Joannie Rochette or even Emily Hughes.

Sasha Cohen (USA!): There’s a HUGE amount of crowd support. She doesn’t look good on the ice—in fact, she looks terrified. She’s going to choke. I can feel it. It’s so nervewracking to watch her skate. And she falls on her first triple lutz. That’s it. God, this is so tragic. Poor Sasha. And oh my God, she falls on her triple flip. Finally, she lands a triple loop. This music is still so lovely and her choreography is beautiful; I love the way she uses her hands. There’s a great smile as she moves into the B-theme of her music. Sasha’s doing a beautiful job of communicating the joy in this circular footwork sequence. She is the only one in the world who can do a spiral the way it’s meant to be done, even though her edges were shaky tonight. But who cares about shaky edges when her extension is so exquisite. Her jumps are improving dramatically as the program goes on—it’s almost like she just needed the first minute to shake off the nerves. It’s such a tragedy, because the last three minutes were incredibly beautiful. Dick Button is suggesting that it was the injury, but I think that it was pretty clearly the nerves. She just couldn’t focus until Minute 2. The minute that she sees her scores, she knows that it’s virtually over.

Shizuka (Japan) looks beautiful. She’s skating to Turandot, proving my theory that Puccini makes Gorgeous Programs. She has the only beautiful Ina Bauer in the competition. Shizuka has remarkably gorgeous lines; she’s lovely and graceful, and this is a magical performance for her; artistic and with extraordinary athleticism. That was the program I’ve been waiting all night to see. And I love watching the delight in her face.

Fumie Suguri (Japan): Fumie’s jumps just fly. Fumie doesn’t have as much to her programs in terms of transitions, which makes it look a little old-fashioned. In some ways, though, I like it; there’s more flow, and she has wonderful expression to her skating that reminds me of Michelle Kwan. I think I’ve said this ad nauseum, but I’m a total sucker for big footwork sequences at the end of a program. When they’re well-timed with music, they can inspire the crowd and spark a huge finale. Fumie had more of that quality than any of the other skaters I’ve seen, and her final spin was just fast and gorgeous.

Kimmie Meissner was one of the few skaters to make it to her practice sessions on Wednesday, and apparently, her effort paid off; the crowd was very enthusiastic and she got a ton of applause. I hope it improved her mood; when the camera caught Kimmie watching the rest of the short programs on Tuesday night, she looked really irked. (Did she think that she should have had higher scores? Probably.)

How ironic was it that Scott Hamilton was blathering about her complete ability to carry out the jumps just as Kimmie was tumbling on her first jumping pass? Good thing her subsequent jump was absolutely perfect. I think that this is a better program than Fumie’s, even though Fumie stayed more upright. The choreography is better and the positions are better. It would have been great for her to add a second jump to any of these late jumps; she could have turned one into a combination and added extra points. I just don’t think she’s a sufficiently mature skater to do that kind of improvisation. One other note about maturity; this choreography seems a little sexier and a little more adult than Kimmie actually is. Kimmie had a good performance, but I’m quite sure that it wasn’t the performance she wanted.

Irina Slutskaya: Irina is shaking her head, as if to ward off the negative energy in the rink. If she wins, it will be a Russian sweep—first time in history, I think. But holy cow, Irina just took a huge tumble. I don’t know how that happened—it hardly ever does. And Irina looks confused, more than anything. You know, I really, really tried to focus on Irina’s program to see if it could move me the way that Shizuka did. But regardless of how impressive her technical elements are (and tonight, they weren’t even that great), her programs do not sing.

It’s very clear to me that Shizuka deserved that gold medal; her performance was just beautiful. I’m more surprised that Sasha took silver; that’s clearly a victory for flexibility and artistry. Earlier today, I posted an article from si.com quoting skaters on what it feels like to fall. Sasha said that when you fall, it throws off your entire program; you lose not just the jump, but the components and transitions that help build up your score. Tonight, she didn’t let the falls limit her program at all. That’s impressive.

Both Irina and Sasha will be devastated; Irina reportedly thought that this medal was hers, and Sasha has so many silver medals that I’m sure that anything other than gold is disappointing. But this is a wonderful triumph for the beautiful skaters coming out of Japan, and I’m glad that Japan managed to pull one medal out of these Olympics. (If you can only get one, this is clearly the one to win.)

So here’s the question: was tonight a vindication for the COP or not? I think that artistically, it was a low point in ladies’ figure skating. But at the end of the day, the right skaters were on the podium in the right order, and that counts for a great deal. Shizuka was ninth in the world this year while Irina was first; those are hard odds to overcome if you’re skating on reputation as well as on performance. It’s impossible to say, but I think the COP may have really helped Shizuka to get the marks she deserved.

And thanks so much to all of you for letting me throw figure skating commentary at the internet. It’s been a joy. I’ll post tomorrow if there’s anything interesting in the gala, but for now, I’m signing out. As they say in Torino, ciao!

ROUND FOUR:  It's Bee time!  Except we seem to be delayed by a tennis match at Roland Garros.  You can get to know the nervous and delightful spelling genius Tiny Humans here.  You can follow round results here.

10:05 am:  They've begun without ESPN!  Good for them.  Spelling waits for no network.  Two spellers have gone.  The words are already impressive: cephalalgia and hinoki.  Meanings, anyone?

I'm a idiot.  Is it just me?  The Bee is not on ESPN 2 as promised by DVR.  It's on regular ESPN.  Turn your channel.

10:11 am: We lost Apolonia Gardner!  She's the first one down.  Her word?  Phalarope.

I'd like to take a moment to remind you all of the magic and pageantry that is BBC (Bossy But Cute) Jacques Bailly who is as bossy and cute as ever.  For those who are new-Bees (yes, I just did that) BBC Jacques is the person you hear announcing the words, giving the definition and origins.  He's a former Bee Champ (1980) and he's been the official Bee Pronouncer since 2003.  Learn more about him here.

NEXT WEEK ON AMERICAN IDOL -- SONGS THAT I LIKE TO SING WHILE DRIVING MY FORD FOCUS AND DRINKING AN ICE-COLD COCA COLA: I think I'm a little outside the mainstream on this point, but I like AI theme weeks. They force the contestants to channel their energies in a certain direction and find a way to shine under any set of circumstances. (See, e.g., David Cook.) Conversely, I hate pick-whatever-the-heck-you-want weeks, because most people interpret this instruction as "sing a song you like." And that's not, not, not the point of a theme like Top iTunes Downloads, as if a theme like Top iTunes Downloads has a point (but that's besides the point). When you have a broad, wide-open theme like this, all you're supposed to do is make us remember why we wanted you on the show in the first place.

So if you're Lil Rounds, and you've been getting your teeth kicked in by "Independence Day" on country week and the inexplicable total misfire of "Heat Wave" on Motown week, you should not have any trouble figuring out what to sing on Sing Whatever the Fuck You Want Week. You should remember that the last time we all really thought you were awesome was when you knocked the socks off of a Mary J. Blige song, and you should go find yourself a song that will make us remember how amazing you can be when you do your R&B thing. You know what you're not supposed to do under these circumstances? Go put on a powder blue evening gown and find one of those Celine Dion songs that every doomed female contestant on this show feels a need to sing. I mean, come on. This is not rocket science, people.

/rant

Ok, so looking at the show as a whole, to me it breaks down into two sections. First, the mostly boring opening act. And second, the Adam Lambert/Kris Allen show.

Most of the first seven perfomances were painful for some reason or another. Megan was a total ten-car pile-up. You all know I adore her, and there are at least a hundred songs I would love to hear her sing. But this was like number six hundred million billion and ten, and she did nothing with it.

And then there was Scott. First of all, who decided he should have tall hair? I'm all for giving the guy a makeover, but let's set the clippers a little shorter, ok? But setting aside the hair -- which I will forgive because it's not like he could look in the mirror and say "um, guys? I look like a garden hedge" -- "Just the Way You Are"? Seriously?? I'm a big defender of Billy Joel, but nothing says "I can offer no pretense that I am an artist to be taken seriously this century" like singing "Just the Way You Are" on American Idol.

Even the non-sucky people didn't do anything to help themselves.

Anoop? Stop sneering. You are a nice Indian kid from North Carolina with a nice voice. You are not Noop from da Hood. STOP SNEERING. He's got problems -- not this week necessarily, but when he tries to be what he wants to be, he comes off like a kid performing at his high school talent show. Awww, look at the cute Indian kid doing his gangsta riff!

Did someone teach Allison Iraheta how to play the guitar this week? Because compared to some people on the show who are actually musicians and play instruments, she looked kind of like me playing the French horn at my fifth grade band concert. And Randy had trouble articulating his problem with her get-up, but Kara nailed it: Allison has the rocker voice. She's the real deal. She doesn't need to get all dressed up to prove it to us. I kind of want to send her to ANTM for a while, so they can put her in a black tank top and jeans and pull her hair (oh, the hair was painful) back into a ponytail. Let the voice stand alone.

Poor Matt. I still don't care for him, but whatever insecurities from last week made him think it would be a good idea to plunk a keyboard into the middle of the audience and writhe all over it just didn't do him any favors. (The word "indulgent" gets thrown around a lot on this show, but it's warranted here.) I didn't hate the song, actually -- liked it better than a lot of his performances that the judges have gushed about -- but it wasn't anything particularly memorable.

And I don't have a lot to say about Danny. The song was fine, the performance was fine. The problem I have with Danny is that while I truly love -- not just like -- the tone and timbre of his gorgeous voice, he hasn't had a single performance yet that has knocked my socks off. And I don't even know what direction to suggest he move in to come up with such a performance. Actually, I think I just came up with one. Anyone remember Robert Downey Jr. (the real one) singing Joni Mitchell's "The River" on Ally McBeal (better audio here)? I want to hear Danny sing that.

But then Lil came and went and the pregame shenanigans ended, and the real show started.

I've been saying since the beginning that people weren't giving Kris enough credit. And while I don't think he's the #1 or even the #2 guy on the show this season, he's doing a whole lot better than a whole lot of guys who had a whole lot more airtime early on. I liked him with the piano, I liked what he did with the song, and I liked the fact that he correctly interpreted this week's theme as "pick something that we're going to remember that you sang."

Speaking of remembering what people sang? Yeah, it's time: Adam Lambert. If I were making a list of the top five songs I never expected to hear on AI, "Play That Funky Music" would surely have made the list. I mean, what the hell was the guy thinking? But I loved every moment of that performance, from the jivin' disco knees to the customary crazy high notes to those dips into the low range that I love and that I think he doesn't use often enough. (Incidentally, I think he doesn't use the low range all that often because it's got to be really hard to find a song written for someone with a range like his -- most people who can do the low stuff can't make it anywhere near his high end.) As with so many of his performances, there is no one else on any season of AI who can do what he does.

So, yeah. Can we have a theme again next week? Please?

edited to add:

Joanna Weiss and I see green in exactly the same way.
Dan Fienberg is in the same general Crayola box as well.
Whitney Pastorek's On the Scene dispatches are back on Popwatch and are as hilarious as ever.

SUPERFUNBIGLIST: For the second in an occasional series of fantasy American Idol theme nights, Adam and I have chosen The Songs of SubPop.

SubPop is a national treasure, though it frequently reminds us that it is worth practically nothing (t-shirt mottos -- in 1990: "What Part of We Have No Money Don't You Understand"; in 2008, "Going Out of Business for 20 Years"). It started as a 'zine, then a column in a free weekly, then an infrequent mail-order cassette compilation, and didn't become an actual record imprint until the release of the seminal SubPop 100 compilation. Much of what we associate with SubPop's heyday actually isn't -- Geffen bought out Nirvana's contract and released Nevermind (with a SubPop sticker and some royalties); Soundgarden released its first album on SST and everything thereafter on A&M, using SubPop only for a few singles, songs on compilations, and an EP; SubPop’s Green River never reached the popularity of its progeny, Pearl Jam and Mother Love Bone; etc. Meanwhile, SubPop soldiered on, collecting bands that moved the label away from its early homegeniety, tentatively at first (Afghan Whigs, Velocity Girl) but eventually completely (Postal Service, The Shins). Can a bunch of kids who grew up at the same time as, but not with, the label do it justice? Probably not, but here's how we suggest they try:

Rounds:
All she wants to do is belt. Fine. "Bear Up Bison," Shonen Knife, which has the Lil-appropriate lyrics "He's on the way to extinction/We only want what's best for him." Or Velocity Girl's lead single off Copacetic, "Crazy Town", which is going to take some effort to bring from Sarah Shannon's opera-trained register to be Lillified, but since Lil can't do anything else well why not give shoegazer pop a try? -- Adam

For someone who yells so much, she's remarkably difficult to assign a SubPop song. Mudhoney, no. Blood Circus, no. Tad, Spinanes, Hazel, SDRE, no. Iron & Wine, God, no. I guess I'd slow the poppy, featherweight "Sliver" by Nirvana down just a touch, give it a shuffle beat, and pray for the best. -- Isaac

Giraud:
Highlights from "Flower," Soundgarden. Does he have the stones? Arranged correctly, this actually probably wouldn't need to be much different from this week's "Stayin' Alive." -- Isaac

Um, yeah. I clearly haven't figured him out at all. I'm going to recommend the pop standard "Cry Me A River," which the retro-lounge band Combustible Edison recorded for their first album, and since Susan Boyle sang it too he's going to get some residual dap. -- Adam

Desai:
"New Slang," the Shins. This is an easy song to sing, and a nice crowd-pleaser. Anybody who says "it will change your life" will be referred to with derision at ALOTT5MA headquarters. – Isaac

"When It All Comes Down," Unrest, off the Afternoon Delight compilation. (Listen here.) Just a silly little pop song, which is about all he's got left -- Adam

Iraheta:
L7, "Shove". If L7 is ever getting on the show, it's through the Magenta Spitfire. Either that or Velocity Girl's "Crawl" off the split single with Tsunami -- one day I'll make a boy cry, one day ... -- Adam

"Ohio," Damien Jurado. To please KCosmo, this would be a complete 180 for her. Can she show a softer side? I'd like to hear those pipes wheezing softly for once. -- Isaac

Gokey:
I'm going to hate myself for doing this, but I'll give him a good song -- Sebadoh's "Soul and Fire", which on the album is about 1/3 slower than this live version, and gives him more chances to be plaintive and beseeching, which is totally his ballpark. Either that or "It's So Hard To Fall In Love." -- Adam

"Love Buzz," Nirvana. I don't think he can pull it off. But they can't do a SubPop night without it, and other than Lambert he's probably the one most capable of the shameless overthetopousity this song requires. It would probably sound like every other uptempo song he's done. – Isaac

Allen:
"Such Great Heights," Postal Service tempo; Iron & Wine instrumentation. I just linked to the delightful uke tube version of this a few days ago. I'd rather hear him doing this than anybody else on this list doing anything else listed. – Isaac

"In A Ditch," Scud Mountain Boys. Really, most of the album Massachusetts is perfectly in his acoustic Americana wheelhouse. So would the new Fleet Foxes LP -- "Winter White Hymnal"? -- Adam

Lambert:
It would be wrong not to give him a Nirvana song. "Negative Creep" gives him plenty to work with. -- Adam

"The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room," Flight of the Conchords. A pretty song, funny without being kitschy, and plenty of opportunities to go back and forth between falsetto and regular voice without screaming (seriously -- watch the damn video and imagine Lambert singing it). Though if he wanted to go old school, "Aneurysm" by Nirvana would work just fine. – Isaac