A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

MASCOTMATCHER 2003: For years, my good friend Charlie Glassenberg has attained a startling level of accuracy in forecasting the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament simply by analyzing the strength of each school's mascot. He's good, and it works.

We at Throwing Things are therefore proud to be the exclusive Internet provider for Charlie's 2003 predictions for the Sweet 16 round. Enjoy:

MIDWEST

Wisconsin Badgers vs. Kentucky Wildcats: the sharptoothed wildcats shall devour the bristley badger. New shaving brushes for everyone! Kentucky.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Pittsburgh Panthers: the talons of the raptors shall put that black cat down. These panthers won't anther. Marquette.

WEST

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Arizona Wildcats: I have lived in Boston long enough to know what "fighting Irish" can do when they're angry enough. Back to the litter box, kitties. Notre Dame.

Duke Blue Devils vs. Kansas Jayhawks: forget the V Corps, Saddam, Duke is the "Great Satan" you should beware of. They will knock out the Jayhawks like a bad case of West Nile in a crow roost. Duke.

EAST

Oklahoma Sooners vs. Butler Bulldogs: What is a butler bulldog - some ugly mutt that brings you your slippers and then hovers, obsequiously, until it is sent to pantry? Oklahoma.

Syracuse Orangemen vs. Auburn Tigers: Like their Dutch namesakes, the Orangemen will stumble about helplessly, like a bunch of stoned Eurotrash in wooden shoes. Auburn.

SOUTH

UConn Huskies vs. Texas Longhorns: the overweight young men of Connecticut will be gored like so many Yankee rodeo clowns. Texas.

Maryland Terrapins vs. Michigan State Spartans: The austere Peloponnesians will defeat the dawdling turtles from the land of Lord Baltimore. Call it "My Big Fat Greek Rout." Michigan State.