Gargling his consonants before spitting them out, Mr. Depp's pirate suggests a man who has spent either a great deal of time with Keith Richards after a tour of the Rebel Yell factory, or a man who has spent a great deal of time watching Mike Myers do his Keith Richards impression. Either way, festooned with dreadlocks and braids in his hair and beard, and wearing enough industrial-strength mascara to indicate that Captain Jack was probably influenced by another King of the Wild Frontier — Adam Ant — Mr. Depp offers a ratty, bedeviled turn that keeps the picture in motion during that extended period when there's not much plot involved.
But when this protracted state of narrative lassitude suddenly shifts, "Pirates" brings in enough story line for several movies. And in the words of Bart Simpson, it takes a knife-wielding maniac to show us the way.
Seriously, is Elvis taking Dennis Miller's medication? Maureen Dowd's? Did he really reference both Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and "what Nicole Kidman might be like if she didn't spend so much time coughing tragically into handkerchiefs in an equally tragic pursuit of important roles" in writing this?
I am an Elvis Mitchell fan. Duh. I mean, how can you not love a critic who takes time out from his 'Pootie Tang' review to compare Bob Costas' relative merit in that movie and 'Baseketball'?
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