EAST Regional
Manhattan Jaspers v. Florida Gators: Herpetologists beware! The giant reptiles may have bite, but they're up against a true American original. The Jaspers' abstract approach will paint the gators into a corner, and you should flag this game as an upset as the Floridians' chances go pop.
Charlotte 49ers v. Texas Tech Red Raiders: The squared sevens suffer get ambushed by Ralph Nader's supporters; however, shut out from the debates, they fail to break 5% from the floor, and we all know by now that 49% is enough in a divided race. Good Charlotte lives to sing another day.
WEST Regional
Texas-El Paso Miners v. Maryland Terrapins: The miners take their pickaxes to the hard shells of the dawdling turtles, but that canary's dead thanks to poor OSHA enforcement under the Bush administration. Seeking the motherlode of all upsets, the miners find Quecreek instead as the turtles crawl to victory.
Dayton Flyers v. DePaul Blue Demons: Why so blue? These drones are armed, and ready to kill. Goose, let's go for a fly-by of the control tower.
Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners v. Stanford Cardinal: So I say roadrunner once, roadrunner twice, I'm in love with the modern trend of sixteen-seeds never beating number ones, and it'll take more than 50,000 watts of power to break the cardinal rule.
Also, look for wins from the austere Peloponnesians and the chunky Nutmeg Staters. This system is infallible.
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