REGIONAL OF THE LOUIS, LIKE MY TATTOO IS:
Alabama-Birmingham Blazers v. Kansas Jayhawks: A high of 70 degrees is predicted for the Lou tonight, and if that's not the right time to break out the Hickey-Freeman blazer, I don't know what is. It's time for the Minnesota-based country rockers to stop and look at what's going down: two good teams, one bad end. This game's easy -- way back home there's a funeral for the Jayhawks.
Nevada Wolf Pack v. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: Again with the fashion? Kyan objects to the wolves' poor shaving habits, with all the shaving up-and-against-the-grain, and Carson says go! be different and wear that maize outerwear. Ted lays out an overly-involved recipe for roasted wolf, Thom paints horizontal stripes around the room and Jai . . . well, Jai just sits around and looks cute. The wolves go hungry tonight, setting up the sartorial finale the world has been waiting for.
UP IN ONE-TWEEZY REGIONAL:
Xavier Musketeers v. Texas Longhorns: Aramis, Athos, and Porthos are bringing their muskets, but all D'Artagnan has in his bag is a terrine of duck foie gras. The steers will feast on the foie gras and make lunch of the remaining Frenchmen. C'mon, dawg, never take the Frenchmen on a neutral site -- remember how they did in Belgium?
Illinois Fighting Illini v. Duke Blue Devils: The Illini may be powered by firewater and state-sponsored gaming revenue, but that won't be enough against a team that already killed Eddie Barzoon, got Coach acquitted on murder charges and took Charlize Theron's ovaries. Keh-vun! They took mah O-VAH-RIES! Let me give you a little inside information about Mike Krzyzewski. He likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives his teams instincts. He gives them this extraordinary gift, and then what do they do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Shoot the three, but don't shoot the three. A-ha-ha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass. He's a sadist. He's an absentee landlord. Worship that? Yes.
One more blessing of TiVo: you never have to hear the CBS da-da-da-da-da-DA! DA! DA! theme.
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