A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

PORTENTS OF DOOM: 12,204 (& COUNTING) (V.G. ALL THINGS CONSIDERED): Prior to the release of the new Harry Potter book (i.e., this has nothing to do with who actually may die in HBP), the Guardian U.K. invited its readers to write up the death of a major character, using the voice of a noteworthy author. Here are the quite entertaining results.

While I really liked the Irvine Welsh parody, the winner was Mock Chaucer, which began:

At Hogwarte's, schoole of wizardrye,
Unfoldeth drede folle tragedie!
Yonge Ron Weasleye, and classmayt Pottyr:
Fallen preye to 'tvyle rottyr,
Who, throughoute Harry's sadde lyfe,
Hath been the source of muche stryfe;
Hys parente's lyves, rendyred shorte,
By naughtie manne: Voldemorte!

Included within the Helen Fielding knockoff: "Draco Malfoy wandered over, all sympathy. Rather outrageously tried to chat up yours truly over corpse of dearly departed mentor. Note to self: must not be attracted to charming, rakish but doubtless somewhat evil Slytherin types, especially DM. Been there, done that, got commemorative broomstick."