A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE BETTER THAN ZWAN, RIGHT? Adjacent to our Keltner series, frequent commenter Benner passes along this evaluation of R.E.M., which he swears he received from "an unnamed Chicago-based rock critic":

1. Was R.E.M. ever regarded as the best band in rock music? Did anybody, while they were active, ever suggest that R.E.M. was the best band in rock music?

R.E.M. was the best band in rock music (and classical and jazz) from 1981 until 1987. I have suggested this many, many times, when panning their other albums.

2. Was R.E.M. ever the best band in rock music in its genre?

They were the undisputed kings of the underground college radio and of the tapedeck of my 1981 K-Car in which I followed them around the South.

3. Was any individual member of R.E.M. ever considered the best at his instrument/role?

Nobody anywhere held a band together better than the human metronome that is Bill Berry. He wrote "Perfect Circle," you know. R.E.M. even promised that they would quit if any one of their members quit. And here's 1-2-3 members of R.E.M. touring, with the dude from Screaming Trees playing the drums. (Screaming Trees!) I guess your true fans are just simple props to occupy your time. Aneurysm, shmaneurysm.

4. Did R.E.M. have an impact on a number of other bands?

Including Toad the Wet Sprocket, Nirvana, and the husk of a shell that is Warner Brothers Records-era R.E.M., yes.

5. Was R.E.M. good enough that the band could play regularly after passing its prime?

They're the first alternative nostalgia act.

6. Is R.E.M. the very best band in history that is not in the Hall of Fame?

Including Rockstar Supernova?

7. Are most bands who have a comparable recording history and impact in the Hall of Fame?

U2 made it in 2005, and R.E.M. was better until Stipe tried to turn R.E.M. into a preachier version with a lousy stadium show. The Stones coasted on fumes for decades, too, and they're in. (By the way, congrats to Stipe for recording "Chicago XIV" after specifically disavowing doing so.)

8. Is there any evidence to suggest that the band was significantly better or worse than is suggested by its records?

Well, when I saw them at the United Center, they were worse than Reckoning would tend to suggest. But much, much better than "Shiny Happy People."

9. Is it the best band in its genre who is eligible for the Hall of Fame?

R.E.M.'s impact is greater than anyone else from the post-new wave, pre-alterna, underground college rock scene. No other band has ever found the balance between songs that don't make sense and are pure poetry; between inept garage rock and true musicianship. Once R.E.M. learned how to use a mixing board and started printing lyrics in the liner notes, it was over.

10. How many #1 singles/gold records did R.E.M. have? Did R.E.M. ever win a Grammy award? If not, how many times was R.E.M. nominated?

You can't measure R.E.M. by their popular success. Only their true fans should matter, and only their true fans knew about them before they left I.R.S. Born too late? Go listen to Coldplay.

They had Number 1 albums with Out of Time and Automatic. "Leaving New York" also hit Number 5 in the U.K., but those Brits also like Cliff Richard.

11. How many Grammy-level songs/albums did R.E.M. have? For how long of a period did the band dominate the music scene? How many Rolling Stone covers did they appear on? Did most of the bands with this sort of impact go into the Hall of Fame?

"Losing My Religion" lost song of the year to a duet with a dead person. Consolation prize was getting inducted to the Georgia Music Hall of Fame earlier this year.

12. If this band was the best band at a concert, would it be likely that the concert would rock?

If we're in a venue holding under 1,000 people, ideally no bigger than to have one toilet, then yes. Otherwise, probably not.

13. What impact did the band have on rock history? Was it responsible for any stylistic changes? Did it introduce any new equipment? Did it change history in any way?

Without R.E.M., I would never have become a rock critic. Q.E.D.

Also, R.E.M. was resposible for a return to the jangling guitar and the song lyric that was meaningful without being sensical.

14. Did the band uphold the standards of sportsmanship and character that the Hall of Fame, in its written guidelines, instructs us to consider?

Buck showed some evidence of rock-star behavior on a transatlantic flight (perhaps he "lost his religion," ba dum ching!), but how can you doubt the character of a band who would fire Lawyer Jeff for sexual harassment? Stipe's devoted enough energy to left-wing causes, and not just by recording "Stand." On the other hand, they lied to their fans about breaking up first when a member of the band quit, then in 2000, and about not signing to a major label (which Warner Brothers was at the time). The list goes on. When I asked Peter about it, he said something about pensions and employees. Talk about the passion, indeed.

Conclusion: We've been through faith breakdowns, self-help, plastics, collections. Of course they get in.

Alex's formal review of R.E.M. will appear in the next few days.