Wednesday, March 13, 2013

QUESTION FOR THE ALOTT5MA MAZEL TOV ETIQUETTE DESK:  Recently in through the transom: "Adam, what's the current going rate for Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts when you're invited as a friend of the parents, not family?"

added: I will find out if it's Jorel's. Or Daniel's.  (This is a thing now? Oy.)

20 comments:

  1. Renee8:33 AM

    I say you can't go wrong with the old standbys $18 or $36. I'd probably give $36 over the $18 though.

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  3. If it's just you, $36 or $72; if it's you and a guest, $72 or $144.

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  4. For we goyim, can someone explain the significance of those numbers?

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  5. They're the irrational numbers reflecting the ratios between the diameter of a latke or matzoh ball and the calories contained therein.

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  6. Here's a link that can explain it better than I can: http://judaism.about.com/od/judaismbasics/g/chai.htm

    Basically, any multiple of 18 is appropriate, although jam, whose post is above me, has more expendable income than I do :) I do agree that if it is you and a guest, it should definitely be more than chai or double chai. I didn't think of the "and guest" scenario since I'm a single gal and the "and guest" never applies to me.

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  7. Adam B.10:49 AM

    Check? Amazon Gift card? What format?

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  8. I think any format is probably fine, though a check is traditional.

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  9. My family has always gone with checks.

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  10. Marsha12:35 PM

    I've been doing $72 if we don't attend, $100 if we do, usually in Amazon GC form. I would love to do Israel bonds, but I don't like asking parents for the SS#.



    If the parents are particularly close friends and/or if I actually know the kid well, those numbers might increase or the gift might be more personal. For example, we bought personal gifts that substantially exceeded those amounts for the children of some very close friends (the kids call us Aunt and Uncle) - an authentic Cubs jersey, nice jewelry, etc.



    And if the kid is doing a mitzvah project and asks for donations, I do that too.

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  11. Proof my convert mother handled all gift-giving in my family: I have never heard of this particular amount thing before now. Though I'm pretty certain that if my dad had been in charge of gifts, everyone would have gotten a shiny crispy $5 bill.

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  12. I'm personally shocked that we haven't had a reference to Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Spooky! Scary!) yet.

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  13. I may be old-fashioned, but these numbers seem a little low to me. It may be geographically dependent. I thought a general rule of thumb was to cover the cost of your plate. If we're in the BOS-WAS corridor, or a major city further west, I'm guessing the plate is more expensive than $36.

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  14. Genevieve1:02 AM

    I'm in the same area as you, Russ, but grew up here whereas I think you grew up in the NY/NJ area? To me, $36 is fine (it's what I frequently give), and I don't believe covering the cost of the plate is necessary (I feel the same about weddings - people are invited to share the joy, and the hosts aren't supposed to try to recoup the cost of hosting). I say this as the parent of an immediate about-to-be-bar-mitzvah -- we're glad you came to celebrate with us, and any gift is lovely.

    I tend to give Amazon gift cards (not iTunes, because we aren't Apple people). But I will note that StubHub gift certificates is now my favorite idea, if the bar/bat mitzvah is a sports fan and likes to go to games.

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  15. KCosmo7:57 AM

    Caveat: I haven't started attending bar mitzvahs as an adult yet. But (1) my family never did multiples of $18, so I am not in the habit of doing so, and (2) it is tough for me to envision giving less than $100 given what bar and bat mitzvahs cost.

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  16. One way to square the circle -- common where/when I come from -- is to give a savings bond. At least back then, they sold for half the face value, and taught the recipient about investments maturing, etc. I used a bunch of mine to buy a (used) car when I was 20.

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  17. One other thought: It seems like the "purpose" of Bar Mitzvah gifts has shifted since I was 13 (1985). Back then -- again, at least in my neighborhood -- the idea wasn't that you were giving someone a big birthday present, for immediate use. It was that you were giving them something for the future. Hence the savings bonds, and Cross pens (I didn't use many Cross pens in 7th grade), and similar gifts. It was understood at the time that cash received was not for my immediate or discretionary use. But I get the sense that this has changed some, and that at least some gifts (e.g., the gift cards) are meant for use "now." That may counsel in favor of ratcheting down the amount.

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  18. Remind me to invite you over for dinner sometime. My house cost a lot!

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  19. Genevieve11:42 PM

    I think savings bonds had a much better interest rate back then. But I note that the kiddo is planning to use some cash gifts for C.D.s or the like for the same purpose, having just learned about them in econ. (We'd have to look at their rates with him to help him analyze if it's a good investment.)

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  20. Carrie11:24 AM

    Based on Philadelphia, 2009 (when my daughter had her Bat): her friends that gave money gave $18 or $36, usually in gift card form. Most family acquaintances gave between $36 and $72. Close family friends gave between $72 and $100. Going rates on the Main Line, I found out, were between 20 and 50 per cent higher. Likewise in Los Angeles.

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