WHEREIN THE AUTHOR PARAPHRASES AN OLD CHESTNUT: A woman in the Harvard President's office? What's next, men in the dorms?

HOW TO WASTE AN OSCAR: Movie studios, I'd like to reiterate an important suggestion I've made before (and one borne out by King Kong and Hollywoodland). Under no circumstances whatsoever should Adrien Brody ever, ever, ever be cast as a badass, tough guy, or action hero. This would include casting him as The Incredible Hulk (for all the sins of Ang Lee's adaptation, Bana brought both the nerdiness and the toughness to Banner).

WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO CHANGE: So I'm still thinking about "last night's Grammy Awards, lameness of" and it struck me that the overall problem was that there was very little, in terms of performance, that could fall under the category of "you'll never see that again", compounded by the fact that a number of performers (Beyonce, RHCP, Gnarls Barkley) went with songs or arrangements which sapped the room of its energy.

Step one to fixing the show? Bigger James Brown tribute. You've got Prince in the room, Usher presumably available, and, hey, why not invite Jacko in from Bahrain? The Godfather of Soul is dead; more could have been done to honor that in an entertaining way.

Second: here's some of the nominated artists who didn't perform but could have brought some energy to the proceedings: Madonna, KT Tunstall, Pink, Macca, The Fray, Pussycat Dolls, Nelly Furtado, The Raconteurs, Lupe Fiasco, Jay-Z, Janet Jackson, and The Flaming Lips. Are you going to tell me that Wayne Coyne in a bubble wouldn't have gone over with this crowd? How about letting the Raconteurs cover "Crazy" and let Gnarls do "Gone Daddy Gone"? A Dolls tribute to the tenth anniversary of the Spice Girls invasion? And give us some collaborations we've never seen before -- Carrie Underwood with Rascal Flatts is not enough.

Or: was this just a fairly lame year in music, and if they're going to give the most-nominated artists the spotlight, a show like this was inevitably to follow?

BUT YOU LOOK GREAT IN AUBERGINE: So apparently our Dannys and Sandys don't get to pick their own songs. Unless, of course, all six girls happened to suck up to awesomely prestigious guest judge Andrew Lloyd Webber by picking his songs while not a single guy could be troubled to pick an actual showtune, and unless it is the norm to whinge about your song selection in your weekly backstory clip. (To be clear: in my book, preexisting songs that were subsequently incorporated into Broadway musicals do not count as songs from shows.) I did appreciate that whoever picked this week's songs did so in a consistently thematic fashion -- big belty ballads for the Sandys and boppy doo-woppy numbers for the Dannys (except for the fluridden Ambitious Danny, for whose sake the Song Selectors apparently exercised a little pity).

For me, the performance of the night title goes to Austin. I am not normally an Austin fan -- having practically needed a shower last week to cleanse myself of his oogy sliminess -- nor can I bring myself to refer to him as "Hot Danny" given both the aforementioned sliminess and the fact that Wholesome Danny's little sojourn in the cut-off flannel shirt lets me note with some gusto that the hotness sobriquet has been applied to the wrong guy. All that being said, he both sang and danced the hell out of "Ease on Down the Road" -- after complaining about the song choice, presumably because it eliminated any possibility of behaving slimily while singing it -- making literally every other guy on the stage look like he was performing in a college production.

Having no interest in the Grammys whatsoever, I have more to say:

Dannys

• Wholesome Danny (Our Danny of the Biceps): I hate that bounce-up-and-down move he has now done two weeks in a row, but I think he can be choreographed out of it. I thought he did a really nice job with "Footloose."
• The Danny Formerly Known as Slacker: Nice work with the hair -- all vestiges of slackerosity are now gone. I hate "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," just hate it -- Max is one guy who I thought would have been better served by a true show song. "High Flying Adored," anyone?
• Big Hair Bellhop Danny: The comments were totally on point. This guy is a black hole of charisma, and no quantity of back-up dancers can solve the problem. Did anyone notice, though, that he was by far the best guy in the Phantom number? He's just not a Danny. Bottom two and probably going home.
• Ambitious Danny: They're not sending home their best romantic lead just because he's got the flu. Next.
• Eggplant Danny: This is where I got confused about the whole song choice thing. It seemed clear to me that people hadn't picked their own songs, and that Boy Band Danny had gotten stuck with the entirely unsingerly "That'll Be the Day," which was not only a poor song choice in general but also totally failed to address the comments the judges had made the prior week about his "Faith." But then the judges complained about the song choice. So I'm just befuddled. Be. Fudd. Ul'd. Bottom two.

Sandys

• Small Town Sandy: See, when she sang, I was giving her all sorts of kudos for picking "Superstar." All that Lord Webber (Lord Lloyd Webber?) "I've never heard a girl sing this song" and all that. But now I don't know who was doing the picking. Regardless, after her featherweight "Why Do Fools Fall in Love" last week, this was exactly the kind of song she needed -- challenging and with some real heft to it. She got three out of four judges' picks this week -- she's not going anywhere. (Don't you think she'd make a great Narrator in Joseph?)
• Spiritual Sandy: I love her. I just love her. I do think it's a little unfair to say that she had the hardest song of the night, though -- there are easily three or four of the Sandys who could have sung the heck out of "Memory."
• Serious Sandy: Now here is someone who didn't get full credit for the difficulty of her song. During the first low-pitched "little touch of star quality" part of "Buenos Aires," Mr. Cosmo commented to me that they should have transposed the song into a slightly higher key for her. But then she got to the high parts, and we just sat there agog at how crazy hard that song is -- Patti LuPone apparently had a zillion octave range back in the day. I agree with the judges that it was nice to see her doing the flirty stuff. I think she's likely to get out-charismaed by someone else down the road, but the girl can sing.
• Ballerina Sandy: Poor thing got stuck with some song no one's ever heard of from Tell Me on a Sunday. I'm all in favor of obscure theatre songs making an appearance on the show, but not when every other song performed by every other Sandy is totally iconic. I don't think she's going anywhere, but the song choice has me a little concerned.
• Whiny Sandy (who I guess was named Rock Chick for some reason that is not remotely evident from the show thus far): How can you say that you're not in love with your song when your song is "Don't Cry for Me Argentina?" It's not like you got stuck with poor Ballerina Sandy's song, for God's sake, it's "Don't Cry for Me Argentina"! The coquette approach totally didn't work -- I guess that ALW was trying to get her to connect with the material somehow, but that was jarringly off. Bottom two and going home.
• America Doesn't Like You, Sandy: I was pleased to see Baby Sandy in the bottom two -- her "I Love Rock and Roll" might have felt big if you saw it in person, but it just didn't translate on TV. I didn't think her "I Don't Know How to Love Him" was much better. She sang it well, but there was no emotional weight to it whatsoever. To me she ought to be bottom two again, but Ballerina Sandy might sneak in there instead.

Last comment, I promise. I found the singout of the eliminatees to be fabulously cheesy. The poor man's Sandra Dee with the tears streaming down the face and the "Why-y-y-y" -- just loved it. Cheese-o-rama. I hope they do it every week.

WITH 2006 GRAMMY AWARD WINNER FOR BEST SPOKEN WORD, BARACK OBAMA, AS YOUR WARM-UP ACT ON 60 MINUTES: The time of Grammys is at hand. I'll update this post with bullet points as the night progresses.

• Awards already presented are listed in orange on this page -- Peter Frampton has won the first Grammy of his multi-decade career for an instrumental album; Springsteen and Dylan won the traditional and contemporary folk awards, respectively; Timberpants already has two -- one for "Sexy Back" (dance), one for "My Love" (rap/sung); Dan Zanes won the children's award; Rick Rubin for Producer of the Year.
• More prior-to-broadcast: "Mary Jane's Next-To-Last Dance" "Dani California" wins best rock group over "How To Save A Life", the U2/Green Day charity number, Coldplay and the Raconteurs, as well as best rock song; Gnarls for best alternative, besting Flaming Lips and Arctic Monkeys; and Ike Turner -- yes, that Ike Turner -- wins best traditional blues album, his first since 1972.
  
• And we're live. Rooooooooooxanne! But, Sting, 1982 called, and it said when you turned 55, you had to start wearing sleeves again. Also, note to producers: don't pan over the crowd if they're not up and excited.
• Hate the disembodied host. And I'm sure the producers, seeking young viewers, were thrilled to see Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder beat Nelly Furtado and Timbaland in the first award.
• Dixie Chicks: yay. Not much to say about the performance. Prince introduces Beyonce with three words ("One word: Beyonce"), who proceeds to campaign for the Oscar for "Listen". They're due February 20, Academy members.
  
• The timekeepers show no mercy tonight -- Tony Bennett and Mary J. Blige both get the "wrap it up" music.
• And now, the Polite Young People Who Aren't Scary segment: Corinne Bailey Rae, John Legend and John Mayer.
• Shakira's hips speak for themselves. I've got nothing here. I expect my mom to call any minute to ask me if she does that often.
  
• Natalie Maines: speechless? And apolitical in their first acceptance speech of the night.
• Gnarls Barkley with the nice rework on "Crazy" with a martial beat. Tonight's theme: "Catch Me If You Can".
• Ludacris wins, with shout-out to Oprah and Bill O'Reilly. Heh.
• I realized what the problem is with tonight's show: since "Roxanne", there's been an hour and a half with no rock music, and still no rap. Pop, soul, r&b . . . but nothing with the remote possibility of danger. Not that Mary J. Blige didn't sing the hell out of "Be Without You", but this evening's not soaring.
• Only one song from The Police, but a two three-song Eagles tribute? Still, Carrie Underwood's take on "Desperado" might be the highlight of the night.
• Cheap joke alert: Given how much work he's had done, Smokey Robinson should no longer be singing a song containing the line "Take a good look at my face." Just saying, is all.
• On Lionel Richie's "Hello", I have to go back to what Pitchfork said about the video -- "Every time Richie mimes 'hello' like it's the most sincere hello ever offered in the history of hellos. When he gazes longingly at his blind student with those cradle-robbing eyes, I get that feeling of enjoyment that one can only get from watching quality crap like a straight-to-Sci-Fi-Channel thriller about Frankenfish."
• Chris Brown's mini-mes just stole the show. And then Xtina stole it again on "It's A Man's World". A nice homage to James Brown, style-wise.
• Necrology applause-o-meter: Billy Preston > Gerald Levert > Ahmet Ertegun > Buck Owens > Ed Bradley > Syd Barrett.
• The mix is kinda ruining it, but Ludacris' "Runaway Love" is one of the most depressing songs you'll ever hear on the radio.
• That was weird -- a Prince "thank you" ad for the fans who enjoyed the Super Bowl.
• JT is a trooper; that "Grammy Idol" performance was mighty nice. Yes, if you're counting the performances at home, that's three for Timberpants, one for The Police. But, y'know what? He's good.
• I've never been bored by a Red Hot Chili Peppers performance. Until tonight, on "Snow (Hey Yo)". Anyone ready to run the Keltner on them?
• Al Gore? Praising the music industry for being pro-environment (ahem: the cd longbox?), with no one mentioning his wife's war against the industry two decades ago on decency grounds.
  
• Well, I guess that's what vindication looks like -- Dixie Chicks have won everything except Best Traditional Tropical Latin Album.
  

Wrap-up thought: a "meh" evening, with the Dixie Chicks getting the most opportunities to speak but declining to say anything of interest. Five awards won tonight, almost as many as the seven Jacko won for Thriller or Santana's eight for Supernatural. Performance-wise, nothing on the level of all the links below, so I'm sorry if I raised expectations too much. Reserve your seats today for the 2027 Kennedy Center Awards tribute to Rick Rubin.

A QUESTION FOR THE ATTORNEYS GENERAL: While at Toys R Us in Times Square this afternoon (doing some informal research for a matter), I was sorely tempted by the large stage of Nintendo Wii that they had in stock, but resisted (my TV is already overtaxed, with a TiVo, VCR, DVD Player with speakers, Playstation 2, and XBox 360 all wired in, and, where appropriate, connected to my home network, already). This led me to a question--what is the proper pluralization of "Wii?" Is it "Wii?" "Wiis?" "Wiii?" Are multiple Xbox 360 consoles "Xboxes 360?" Are multiple Playstation 3 consoles "Playstations 3?" The mind boggles.

LUDACRIS TRACES HIP-HOP'S ROOTS: In yesterday's WSJ (no link since it's subscription only), Ludacris picked the five funk and soul albums that he considers the forerunners of hip-hop. It's a good list and I happen to own all five of these:

Sly and the Family Stone - "Stand", which Ludacris notes has been widely sampled by acts such as Tupac and Public Enemy. "Stand" features the title cut as well as the hits "You Can Make It If You Try," "Everyday People," and "I Want to Take You Higher," along with a little ditty called "Don't Call Me Nigger, Whitey." I would also recommend the 2-disc compilation "The Essential Sly and the Family Stone," which includes the oh so funky "If You Want Me to Stay."

Earth Wind and Fire - "Earth Wind and Fire". The debut release from the immensely successful group, this album does not sound all that much like the pop hits you know so well from their days on the Columbia label. This is essentially pure funk with a hint of jazz-rock. I particularly like the song "Bad Tune."

Marvin Gaye - "What's Going On". An awesome album. Every reader of this blog should own this disc (it's only $6.97 at amazon!). Ludacris mentions this as an album that influenced him a great deal as well as rap pioneers such as Big Daddy Kane.

Curtis Mayfield - "Superfly". Full of streetwise songs about pimps and dealers, Mr. Bridges notes that Mayfield "had the sound from the time that really stuck." There is a recent compilation of Curtis Mayfield's work that is also worth owning called Definitive Soul, which includes many of the key songs from Superfly as well as my own favorite Mayfield song "Move on Up."

Parliament - "Funkentelechy vs. the Placebo System". The synthesizer-based riffs became a key part of the sound of West Coast rappers of the 1990s, especially Dr. Dre, notes Ludacris. The album features a song that I seem to recall that Adam likes a lot: "Flashlight." The CD is only $7.97 at amazon.