A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

BUT YOU LOOK GREAT IN AUBERGINE: So apparently our Dannys and Sandys don't get to pick their own songs. Unless, of course, all six girls happened to suck up to awesomely prestigious guest judge Andrew Lloyd Webber by picking his songs while not a single guy could be troubled to pick an actual showtune, and unless it is the norm to whinge about your song selection in your weekly backstory clip. (To be clear: in my book, preexisting songs that were subsequently incorporated into Broadway musicals do not count as songs from shows.) I did appreciate that whoever picked this week's songs did so in a consistently thematic fashion -- big belty ballads for the Sandys and boppy doo-woppy numbers for the Dannys (except for the fluridden Ambitious Danny, for whose sake the Song Selectors apparently exercised a little pity).

For me, the performance of the night title goes to Austin. I am not normally an Austin fan -- having practically needed a shower last week to cleanse myself of his oogy sliminess -- nor can I bring myself to refer to him as "Hot Danny" given both the aforementioned sliminess and the fact that Wholesome Danny's little sojourn in the cut-off flannel shirt lets me note with some gusto that the hotness sobriquet has been applied to the wrong guy. All that being said, he both sang and danced the hell out of "Ease on Down the Road" -- after complaining about the song choice, presumably because it eliminated any possibility of behaving slimily while singing it -- making literally every other guy on the stage look like he was performing in a college production.

Having no interest in the Grammys whatsoever, I have more to say:

Dannys

• Wholesome Danny (Our Danny of the Biceps): I hate that bounce-up-and-down move he has now done two weeks in a row, but I think he can be choreographed out of it. I thought he did a really nice job with "Footloose."
• The Danny Formerly Known as Slacker: Nice work with the hair -- all vestiges of slackerosity are now gone. I hate "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," just hate it -- Max is one guy who I thought would have been better served by a true show song. "High Flying Adored," anyone?
• Big Hair Bellhop Danny: The comments were totally on point. This guy is a black hole of charisma, and no quantity of back-up dancers can solve the problem. Did anyone notice, though, that he was by far the best guy in the Phantom number? He's just not a Danny. Bottom two and probably going home.
• Ambitious Danny: They're not sending home their best romantic lead just because he's got the flu. Next.
• Eggplant Danny: This is where I got confused about the whole song choice thing. It seemed clear to me that people hadn't picked their own songs, and that Boy Band Danny had gotten stuck with the entirely unsingerly "That'll Be the Day," which was not only a poor song choice in general but also totally failed to address the comments the judges had made the prior week about his "Faith." But then the judges complained about the song choice. So I'm just befuddled. Be. Fudd. Ul'd. Bottom two.

Sandys

• Small Town Sandy: See, when she sang, I was giving her all sorts of kudos for picking "Superstar." All that Lord Webber (Lord Lloyd Webber?) "I've never heard a girl sing this song" and all that. But now I don't know who was doing the picking. Regardless, after her featherweight "Why Do Fools Fall in Love" last week, this was exactly the kind of song she needed -- challenging and with some real heft to it. She got three out of four judges' picks this week -- she's not going anywhere. (Don't you think she'd make a great Narrator in Joseph?)
• Spiritual Sandy: I love her. I just love her. I do think it's a little unfair to say that she had the hardest song of the night, though -- there are easily three or four of the Sandys who could have sung the heck out of "Memory."
• Serious Sandy: Now here is someone who didn't get full credit for the difficulty of her song. During the first low-pitched "little touch of star quality" part of "Buenos Aires," Mr. Cosmo commented to me that they should have transposed the song into a slightly higher key for her. But then she got to the high parts, and we just sat there agog at how crazy hard that song is -- Patti LuPone apparently had a zillion octave range back in the day. I agree with the judges that it was nice to see her doing the flirty stuff. I think she's likely to get out-charismaed by someone else down the road, but the girl can sing.
• Ballerina Sandy: Poor thing got stuck with some song no one's ever heard of from Tell Me on a Sunday. I'm all in favor of obscure theatre songs making an appearance on the show, but not when every other song performed by every other Sandy is totally iconic. I don't think she's going anywhere, but the song choice has me a little concerned.
• Whiny Sandy (who I guess was named Rock Chick for some reason that is not remotely evident from the show thus far): How can you say that you're not in love with your song when your song is "Don't Cry for Me Argentina?" It's not like you got stuck with poor Ballerina Sandy's song, for God's sake, it's "Don't Cry for Me Argentina"! The coquette approach totally didn't work -- I guess that ALW was trying to get her to connect with the material somehow, but that was jarringly off. Bottom two and going home.
• America Doesn't Like You, Sandy: I was pleased to see Baby Sandy in the bottom two -- her "I Love Rock and Roll" might have felt big if you saw it in person, but it just didn't translate on TV. I didn't think her "I Don't Know How to Love Him" was much better. She sang it well, but there was no emotional weight to it whatsoever. To me she ought to be bottom two again, but Ballerina Sandy might sneak in there instead.

Last comment, I promise. I found the singout of the eliminatees to be fabulously cheesy. The poor man's Sandra Dee with the tears streaming down the face and the "Why-y-y-y" -- just loved it. Cheese-o-rama. I hope they do it every week.