I KINDA LIKE TO THINK OF THEM AS ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN MEET VLADIMIR AND ESTRAGON: I can't imagine I'm the only one here who'd rather see a studio film written by Kevin Smith and directed (at last!) by someone else than a studio film directed by Kevin Smith and written by someone else, even if it stars Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan as buddy cops.

VICKHAUS IS NOT FOR PASS-LINE BETTORS: One of the worst things about the thankless job of being a professional athlete (after drug-resistant staph) is all the money you have to pay to real-estate brokers when your trade or free-agent contract or plea bargain requires you to sell one luxury home and buy another in a different exurb (note: the latter part of this sentence does not apply to plea bargains).

Wide receiver/perennial #1 fantasy waiver-wire option Muhsin Muhammad's Charlotte home is for sale on eBay (just like a crafty veteran like Muhammad to try to avoid broker's fees), leading to two observations: (1) You can get a hell of a lot more house for $1.9 million in Charlotte than you can in NY/LA/SF/Chicago; and (2) professional athletes have terrible taste.

Incidentally, former Atlanta QB/second-most terrifyingly violent Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick's old house is still on sale for the newly reduced price of $4.1 million. The price is not as much a bargain (I'm not suggestion $1.9 million is a bargain, by the way), but the taste is just as bad. I'm not even talking about the giant "7" inlaid in the marble floor. Who uses wainscoting in new construction?

The author wishes to thank Deadspin for its invaluable research assistance.

Alex Balk - Okay, let’s play a game called “Google searches...

I'LL TAKE THINGS THAT MADE YOU LAUGH THIS MORNING FOR $200, ALEX: This post by Alex Balk...this Mad Men parody featuring Amy Sedaris...the Tweets of "RickReilly"...and this prank.

CDC Newsroom Home Page

WHALE'S TALES, HOWEVER... The Centers for Disease Control wants you to know that playing beer pong will not increase your risk for herpes: "Recent news stories about an alleged CDC study showing a possible link between the drinking game, Beer Pong, and herpes simplex 1, the virus that causes cold sores, are false. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention did not publish the referenced article." (HT: Colbert Report.)

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES VOL. III, FEATURING "I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE": This was kind of an odd night on American Idol -- there were a number of performances that I thought were perfectly fine in the moment, but not so many singers who I care if I ever see again on the show.

First of all, the show is American Idol, not American Scallop Piano Player, and so no one should be putting Scott MacIntyre through to the finals just because they think he's awesome on the piano. Second, when it comes to Nathaniel Marshall, I'll take my convivially over-the-top performances of songs by pantheonic vocalists from Adam Lambert, thank you very much. Third, what is with all the teenage girls collapsing under the weight of their own nerves? Fourth, when in the history of American Idol have there ever been so many mommies on the show? Fifth, my favorite part of Jorge Núñez's performance was his comment that "when I get so emotional I can't think in English -- it comes in Spanish!" I thought his performance was quite good, although I don't remember much about it now except that I spent a lot of time during it thinking about how he had the most unusually shaped eyebrows I've ever seen.

Only two performances really made any lasting impact on me: Lil Rounds and Ju'Not Joyner. I haaaated Lil Rounds during Hollywood week -- Isaac totally nailed it with the Dora the Explorer crack earlier today -- but I thought she was fantastic tonight. As for Ju'Not, I don't usually go for the performances of the quiet slow songs on AI, mostly because contestants usually interpret "quiet and slow" as carrying with them a license to be boring (Anwar Robinson, I'm talking to you, buddy). But I thought his "Hey There Delilah" was incredibly moving and personal and intimate.

Somewhere in the middle for me were Von Smith and Kristen McNamara. Adam twittered earlier in the evening that McNamara's "Give Me One Reason" sounded like a Tom Jones arrangement of a Tracy Chapman song -- no disagreement from me there, but I do love the sound of her voice. And Von Smith seemed really to have taken all the prior criticism to heart, delivering a polished and professional and surprisingly not old-fashioned-sounding "You're All I Need to Get By."

But possibly my favorite 90 seconds of the evening was the time I spent giggling at Alex Wagner-Trugman's mouse-who-roared take on "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues." I literally held my breath waiting for him to growl out "rolling like thunder under the covers," and oh, he did not disappoint.

So . . . predictions are hard for me tonight. Obviously Lil. But does disability trump ESL? Do they both trump a more subtle, less bombastic performance from Ju'Not? Does cute blonde country girl wiggle in for the three-spot? And what does all of this mean for the people who keep hoping that Anoop will pick a less gludgey song in the wild card round?

NAIR FOR SHORT SHORTS: Who wears short shorts? New York Governor David Paterson wears short shorts!

IT'S JUST AN ILLUSION CAUSED BY THE WORLD SPINNING 'ROUND: Congratulations to Wayne Coyne and the Flaming Lips, whose 2002 "Do You Realize?" off Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots has been named the official Rock and Roll Song of the State of Oklahoma, pummeling in a popular vote Sooner-penned ditties including "Heartbreak Hotel," "After Midnight" and "Never Been To Spain."

The Oklahoma City psychedelic rockers were given a standing ovation by the full Senate after the resolution (.rtf) was formally adopted. Coyne:

It’s phenomenal, it really is. People will remark sometimes how much the Flaming Lips have done for Oklahoma, but I really think it’s the other way around. I don’t know if we would be perceived the same if we hadn’t been from Oklahoma. What would the Flaming Lips be if they didn’t come from Oklahoma? It’s like Santa Claus coming from the North Pole.

See also, from 1994 (for amusement value), "She Don't Use Jelly" performance from The Jon Stewart Show.