THE BALL IS TIPPED: For the fourth straight year (dating back to 2003), we are proud to present to the blogosphere Charlie Glassenberg's patented Mascot Matcher System Guide to the NCAA Tournament. As we have stated in the past, it's not about the point guards, the coaches or the RPI: it's all about the dudes in the costumes on the sidelines.

First off: you still have time to join our NCAA Challenge group: ALOTT5MA.

Charlie's complete guide to Thursday/Friday action follows:

Atlanta:

Duke Blue Devils vs. Southern Jaguars: These spotted cats will be singing the blues all the way to hell! Duke

GW Colonials vs. NC Wilmington Seahawks: In a burst of musket fire, these birds will go down in a flurry of feathers. GW

Syracuse Orange vs. Texas A&M Aggies: The hardy farmhands will peel the fruit and eat it. Texas A&M

LSU Tigers vs. Iona Gaels: Forget Guinness, there is no better way to mark St. Paddy’s Day than to be devoured alive by a cat. LSU.

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Southern Illinois Salukis: An inbred man of the hills can surely beat an, um, whatever it is. West Virginia

Iowa Hawkeyes vs. Northwestern State Demons: Never bet against the forces of darkness. Northwestern State.

California Golden Bears vs. NC State Wolfpack: Wasn’t the Golden Bear the mascot of cereal? The wolves will hound this teddy to his grave! NC State.

Texas Longhorns vs. Penn Quakers: Consensus has been achieved at this meeting: you will be gored to death by steers. Texas

Oakland

Memphis Tigers vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles: Sorry, but these birds have been called home by their Maker. Memphis

Arkansas Razorbacks vs. Bucknell Bison: The great bison ruled the plains, now it will rule the Bay Area over these hogs. Bucknell

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Kent State Golden Flashes: Too bad those golden flashes aren’t as accurately aimed as the fire from a National Guardsman’s rifle. Pittsburgh

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Bradley Braves: A brave what, a brave loser? A brave piece of carrion for the raptors from the plains? Kansas

Indiana Hoosiers vs. San Diego State Aztecs: The Aztecs will tear out their hearts and offer it to their god. Montezuma’s Revenge, indeed. San Diego State

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Xavier Musketeers: Oh shoot, this little pooch keeps biting my leg. Oh wait, he bit it off. Now I can’t play basketball. Gonzaga

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Alabama Crimson Tide: Isn’t crimson tide the stuff that made them ban clamming in New England last year? This March, the bivalves get even. Marquette

UCLA Bruins vs. Belmont Bruins: Who wins? Da bears! UCLA

Washington DC

UConn Huskies vs. Albany Great Danes: This game will quickly go to the dogs, as the hounds of those who dishonor The Prophet fall to the feisty fidos of the frozen north. UConn

Kentucky Wildcats vs. UAB Blazers: My professor in college drove a Blazer. It had body rust. Wildcats

Washington Huskies vs. Utah St. Aggies: The canines will dig their teeth into the sod kickers. Washington

Illinois Fighting Illini vs. Air Force Falcons: The junior bird men (as Tom Lehrer would say) will be soaring off to see the Great Spirit. Illinois

Michigan State Spartans vs. George Mason Patriots: Free men of courage will always triumph over oiled Greeks from the Peloponnesus! George Mason

North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Murray State Racers: The Racers will be slowed down a bit in something sticky. North Carolina

Wichita State Shockers vs. Seton Hall Pirates: Arrgh, shiver me timbers, I’ve been electrocuted. Time to keel haul meself. Arrgh! Wichita State

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Winthrop Eagles: These feathered friends will be volunteering to set up chairs for the next round. Tennessee

Minneapolis

Villanova Wildcats vs. Monmouth Hawks: We all know who loses when birds face cats. Villanova

Arizona Wildcats vs. Wisconsin Badgers: These badgers will come out of their burrows and chase these felines straight back to the land of the cactus. Wisconsin

Nevada Wolfpack vs. Montana Grizzlies: The mighty ursine hunter can surely fight off some wild dogs. Montana

Boston College Eagles vs. Pacific Tigers: Tiger, tiger, burning bright, the eagle will gnaw on you tonight! Boston College

Oklahoma Sooners vs. Wisconsin Milwaukee Panthers: These black cats will turn the future of the Sooners as dark as night. Wisconsin Milwaukee

Florida Gators vs. South Alabama Jaguars: I always favor our native reptiles over some darn cat. Florida

Georgetown Hoyas vs. Northern Iowa Panthers: What is it with all of the cats in this tournament? Will these ones lose? Ho-ya! Georgetown

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Davidson Wildcats: Enough with the cats. Is this the NCAA Division I or a bunch of lonely old ladies? Buckeyes

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME, BUT I'D TAKE A DRUNK HICK WITH A GUN OVER A COW: After a remarkable 28-4 start in round one, Charlie Glassenberg's Mascot Matcher system went a bit more ordinary in the next round, notching just a .625 clip. What's in store for the Sweet 16, you ask?

Thursday
Duke Blue Devils vs. LSU Tigers: Even a jungle cat must yield to the prince of darkness! Duke

Texas Longhorns vs. WV Mountaineers: Back to yer stills, good ol' boys, you've been trampled in a stampede. Texas

Memphis Tigers vs. Bradley Braves: MascotMatcher has done a poor job assessing the Braves, but Memphis has a tiger in the tank. Roar! Memphis

UCLA Bruins vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs: Bear baiting hits the sweet sixteen, and the pooches come out on top. Gonzaga

Friday
Villanova Wildcats vs. BC Eagles: Our national bird will put the feral kitties to shame. BC

Florida Gators vs. Georgetown Hoyas: The McHoya Sandwich: Chomp! Florida

UConn Huskies vs. Washington Huskies: When the larger lads from the Nutmeg State meet the rotund boys from the shadow of Rainier, it's the Long Tidal River vs. Puget Sound, it's Storrs vs. Olympia, it's grunge vs. polka, it's Joe Lieberman vs. Scoop Jackson, it's Millstone vs. Hanford, it's the Cascadia Plate vs. the Moodus Noises, it's Sub Base Bangor vs. Sub Base New London, it's... tedious. UConn

Wichita St. Shockers vs. George Mason Patriots: No shock here: Wichita State has been fixed in the all-seeing eye. Those aren't ceremonial aprons, they're butcher's aprons. George Mason

DON'T EVER DOUBT THE SYSTEM: By my count, Charlie Glassenberg's Mascot Matcher protocol went a ridiculous 28-4 in the first round, with a stellar record in predicting upsets including Northwestern State over Iowa, George Mason over Michigan State, Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Oklahoma, Texas A&M over Syracuse, NC State over Berkeley, Bucknell over Arkansas and Montana over Nevada. Two of the four wrong picks involved miscalculating the strength of persons indigenous to the Americas, overrating the Aztecs and underrating the Braves.

But still, 28-4? Wow. Here's his call on Saturday's octet:

Duke Blue Devils vs. George Washington Colonials: See you and your tricorn hats in hell! Duke

Florida Gators vs. Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers: Watch out for dinosaurs, because the age of the reptiles is returning. Florida

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Wichita State Shockers: These volunteers will be taking more voltage than Ethel Rosenberg, but with less treason. Wichita State

Illinois Fighting Illini vs. Washington Huskies: Sorry, puppies, this is no rolled up newspaper on your nose. It's a tomahawk. Illinois

LSU Tigers vs. Texas A&M Aggies: While they may be talented in the ways of animal husbandry, these grangers are not prepared for the law of the jungle. LSU

UCLA Bruins vs. Alabama Crimson Tide: So long as the bears stay away from the tainted shellfish and stick to eating rebels, they'll be fine. UCLA

BC Eagles vs. Montana Grizzlies: Two of America's most majestic wild animals meet, tear each other to pieces, and prove once again the supremacy of fur over feathers. Montana

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Indiana Hoosiers: Oh no, his muzzle came off. Whose yer plastic surgeon? Gonzaga

THE 2005 MASCOT MATCHER SYSTEM GUIDE TO THURSDAY'S GAMES: Once you get past the #1/#16 games, figuring out your NCAA pool can be difficult.

Based on voluminous research over the past fifteen years, however, Charlie Glassenberg and I have the answer. Don't look at the records. Don't look at the RPI. Don't look at the point guards, or the coaches, or "veteran experience".

Just look at the kid in the costume trying to excite the crowd.

If you follow the mascots, you will follow victory. We have long demonstrated the awesome power of cyan supernatural forces, men with guns and large cats over birds and unarmed men, as well as our obligations for continued reparations to our aggrieved Native American friends. Here's your foolproof guide to Thursday's key games:

West Region
Washington Huskies (#1) v. Montana Grizzlies (#16): In the long tradition of dog vs. bear, this round goes to the dogs. Huskies.

Wake Forest Demon Deacons (#2) v. Chattanooga Moccasins (#15): The robbers of souls and Satan's support vs. shoes with thin soles and poor support? Not even a contest. Demon Deacons.

Texas Tech Red Raiders (#6) v. UCLA Bruins (#11): Ethnic stereotype come to Tucson, get big heap victory, feast on bear. How! Red Raiders.

Southeast Region
Oklahoma Sooners (#3) v Niagara Purple Eagles (#14): Um, it's purple mountains. Let's get our national symbols colored right. It doesn't matter, for these discolored birds will meet their end sooner rather than later. They've been dyed; now they're dead. Sooners.

Utah Runnin' Utes (#6) vs. Texas El-Paso Miners (#11): These miners have dug themselves into a hole, and that canary is looking a bit woozy. Besides, the ore belonged to the Utes before we stole their land; the blue sky mining company won't come to UTEP's rescue, and the sugar refining company won't save them. Scalp 'em! Runnin' Utes.

Midwest Region
Illinois Fighting Illini (#1) v. Fairleigh Dickinson Knights (#16): Illini fighting mad that Gov. Blagojevich has failed to approve any Native American gaming facilities in Land of Lincoln. Seek vengeance, not peace pipe, and have been innoculated from any disease the white man might bring. Good knight. Illini.

Boston College Eagles (#4) v. Pennsylvania Quakers (#13): Our national symbol, denounced by Benjamin Franklin as a "bird of bad moral character," will surely give the pacifists from the university he founded the peace of the grave. There's just not enough time to form consensus in every huddle, especially when they're all so quiet, and bringing in Ramsey Clark to coach a basketball team was just a mistake. Eagles.

Join our pool, and good luck.

SOONER, THEN YOU THINK: While Charlie and I are inputting the final punch cards into the ENIAC wannabe we call the patented Mascot Matcher computer, these preliminary results are available as you start to work on your NCAA brackets:

SE 6 v. 11: Utah Runnin' Utes vs. Texas El-Paso Miners: These miners have dug themselves into a hole, and that canary is looking a bit woozy. Besides, the ore belonged to the Utes before we stole their land; the blue sky mining company won't come to UTEP's rescue, and the sugar refining company won't save them. Scalp 'em! Runnin' Utes.

SE 5 v. 12: Michigan State Spartans vs. Old Dominion Monarchs: The austere warriors of ancient times have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one. Spartans live to exercise in the nude another day.

I'm kinda bummin' that there are no Commodores, Musketeers or Jaspers to process this year. But remember: this method is foolproof.

CAN A HUMBLE SPARTAN DETHRONE THE MONARCHS? We are all set with your ALOTT5MA NCAA Tournament Pick'em Group, where you'll be able to match wits for free with the hosts here as well as our patented Mascot Matcher system, now in its 15th year of operation.

Group number is 37503; password is muktuk. Welcome aboard!

edited to add: Need help? Here's Tony Kornheiser's annotated bracket.