BREAKING NEWS: B-LIST FORMER TEEN TV STAR REBOUNDS FROM FAILED ENGAGEMENT TO C-LIST TEEN MOVIE ACTOR WITH A-LIST FORMER TEEN MOVIE STAR: (Wherein I scoop Us Magazine.) According to a gaggle of flacks and Internet tabloids, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are dating. I have polled a select group of prominent physical scientists, and they all tell me that if you coated both Holmes and Cruise in flint and struck them together in a chamber full of pure oxygen, you would still be unable to generate a spark. Still, to Katie Holmes, I say: "Good career move! The path not chosen involves getting knocked up by oblivion-courting Heath Ledger!" To Tom Cruise, I say: "Your ham-handed PR stunt-dating to deflect attention from your increasingly eccentric behavior is a brilliant strategy! It works for Michael Jackson!"
Apologies to those of you who believe that alien-possession-based religion is not eccentric.