A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

FRIDAY NIGHT SPONSORS RAP UNEMBARRASSINGLY: I watch a lot of girly TV -- Gossip Girl, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, the occasional Patriots game -- so I'm used to tuning out a lot of dewy, dreamlike commercials for feminine products. That's why this week I'm devoting my entire Friday Night Lights sponsorlove post to the feminine product Designed By Men For Men: Yaz birth control pills. Let's review:

• Prevents pregnancy;
  
• Won't cause your lady friend appearance-related mood-killing catastrophies, like unsightly acne or bloating;
  
• Won't induce moodiness or irritability that might get your lady friend "all up in your grill";
  
• According to the 92% of the ad devoted to disclaimers, only works if your lady friend keeps herself fit and disease-free, which is nice to know;
  
• Makes your lady friend entirely responsible for contraception, leaving you free to daydream about being Jack Bauer kicking Jack Bauer's ass kicking Jack Bauer's ass just so that you can teach him a valuable life lesson and then teaming up with him to foil the plots of the Irano-Franco-femino-terrorist cabal; and
  
• Named after a baseball player (although, frankly, you know how I feel both about left fielders and insufferable Red Sox fans, but I'll let it slide).

The only way this product could be more assured of winning the FHM Medicare Part D Product of the Year is if it required beer to activate and let you kill it in Halo to up your rankings. So ladies, if you don't have kidney, liver, or adrenal disease, you are not being treated for or at risk for cardiovascular or chronic inflamatory disease, you have other plans for preventing STDs and HIV, you're not afraid of a minor blood clot or heart attack, you're under 35, you do not smoke, and embrace persistent fatigue as a symptom of living life to its fullest, pop a Yaz and by all means sow those oats.