Saturday, April 2, 2005

NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE 'LIVERPUDLIAN', 'MANCUNIAN' OR 'MICHIGANDER': As the world awaits the ascension of five-time Olympic bobsleigher Albert Grimaldi (Amherst '81) to his father's throne, one question rises above all others:

Is there a cooler adjectival form of a place than Monégasque?

Look: "Oxonian" is cool. I even like "Québécois". But there's no beating the adjectival form for the good people of Monaco, is there?
JUST AS LONG AS I GET CHONE FIGGINS: If anyone is interested in joining me in an ESPN rotisserie league livedrafting Tuesday night at 7p eastern (ML, 5x5, roto), please email me at throwingthingsblog at and I can forward the details.
ROSA PARKS OF THE GOLDEN ARCHES: Via loyal reader db, we learn this morning that the immortal Hyde Park McDonalds has found itself in the news again (or, if you don't have a Trib pw, here too:
The owner of a McDonald's restaurant in the Hyde Park neighborhood scrapped a policy Thursday that required Kenwood Academy High School students to sit in a separate area from other customers, after a student protesting the policy was handcuffed by Chicago police and taken back to campus.

Catherine Smith, 15, was two bites into her Chicken Selects Wednesday when a security guard ordered her and her friends to move because they were sitting in a "non-student" area, she said.

"I paid for the food just like everyone else and I'm not leaving," Smith responded.

The security guard then called Chicago police. Undercover officers approached Smith and said she was trespassing and resisting arrest. They handcuffed the honor student, led her out of the popular student hangout, placed her in a squad car and took her back to campus, Smith said.

As a lawprof notes, however, the McDonald's may have been entirely in the constitutional clear on this one. Thoughts?

Friday, April 1, 2005

SHAMELESS BOOK PLUG FOR THE WEEK: OK, I'm not normally one who's much for audiobooks, much less audiobooks bought at the same time I buy the hardcover, but I can't resist this one. Not only do you get the new book from "This American Life" contributor and regular Conan guest Sarah Vowell, who's a writer with a great voice both in the speaking sense and in how she writes. Even reading one of her books, you can hear her characteristic voice speaking. That would be awesome enough, but what makes the audiobook absolutely worth the purchase is the guest readers--Vowell narrates, but Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart (as President James Garfield), Daniel "Lemony Snicket" Handler, Catherine Keener, and Brad "Edna Mode" Bird make appearances, and the audiobook features an original score by Michael Giacchino, who's inexplicably never even been nominated for an Emmy or an Oscar. Sure, it's marred by the presence of Stephen King (as Abraham Lincoln) and Dave Eggers, who both fall into the category of "not nearly as entertaining and funny as they think they are," but how can you nor love a book that includes "mummies, show tunes, mean-spirited totem poles, and a nineteenth century biblical sex cult?
TM5MLA PRESENTS AN ALOTT5MA POST OF ISAAC SPACEMAN'S POSTCARD FROM THE GREAT MAGNETIC FIELD: As part of the dissolution, TM5MLA (distribution) and ALOTT5MA (content) jointly present the following cross-post, Isaac's biannual rant about the greatest cultural crime in American history: the failure to put Black Sabbath in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Here's the scorecard, and I will brook no dissent:

1. Black Sabbath invented alternative rock. Sure, we might have gotten there through punk, but we didn't. Without Black Sabbath, there would be no Nirvana (via no Melvins), no Black Flag, no Pearl Jam, no Bush, no Creed, no Smashing Pumpkins, to name a few. Sure, some of that would be a good thing, but we didn't keep Simon and Garfunkel out just because of the Indigo Girls, did we? And for fans of the MC-5 who want to claim paternity for modern rock: please go back to bed.

2. Black Sabbath made protest rock accessible to non-hippies. Let me get this straight. Dylan's "Masters of War" is a trenchant commentary. Sabbath's "War Pigs" is a comic book fantasy? Listen to the two songs -- similar structure, lyrically and musically, except that War Pigs has the elegiac coda with the chilling crescendo finish, and of course is better done. Also, not that this is the only important thing, it's far more enduring and popular among everybody but critics. And I haven't even brought up Sabbath's other protest/issue songs -- Children of the Grave, Snowblind, Hand of Doom, etc.

3. Black Sabbath pioneered the heavy-metal ballad. "Laguna Sunrise" and "Changes," both on 1972's Volume 4, basically invented the sub-genre. "Laguna Sunrise" is a beautiful and simple acoustic guitar duet. "Changes" is a mopey breakup song. Both played completely against type, making it okay for tough guys to cry on future vinyl. No Sabbath, no "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." What would you do without "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"?

4. Black Sabbath invented cartoon devil-worship. Before Sabbath, you might get tarred and feathered just for saying something like "that Satan fellow, well, in my book he's okay." After Sabbath it was okay to go on the Muppet Show and make a deal for Miss Piggy's soul. No, it's not an urban legend. You may not like this, but you cannot deny the important cultural role that cartoon devil worship acceptance has played in our society.

5. Black Sabbath invented smokers' wing style. Remember when you were in high school and those guys used to hang out in the parking lot with puffy hair and mustaches and leather jackets with the sleeves pushed up to their forearms? Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler invented that. As far as I know, there are still guys standing in the parking lots today with that same look. It spread rapidly -- to John Oates, to Bucky Dharma, to Weird Al Yankovic. By the mid-80s you couldn't swing a cat at an AOR promotional convention without hitting a DJ sporting that style. That has to count for something.

6. Even when off its peak, Black Sabbath was great. When bands fire their original singers, they tend to get terrible quickly. Sammy Hagar sucked the fun out of Van Halen, and don't get me started on Gary Cherone. Joe Lynn Turner ruined Richie Blackmore's Rainbow. Not Sabbath. After Ozzy went solo, they picked up huge-voice/tiny man (inside and out) Ronnie James Dio for two really good albums (Heaven and Hell and Mob Rules) and a passable live album (Live Evil). When Dio was too much of a jerk to deal with, they signed up former Deep Purple frontman Ian Gillan, who was, surprisingly, amazing. This trio is like the heavy-metal equivalent of the Three Tenors. The only other exceptions to the don't-replace-your-vocalist rule, as far as I can tell, are Iron Maiden and Squeeze.

TM5MLA retains the right to sequelize this cross-post without the participation of the original creative team.
ALL GOOD THINGS: We recognize that the past several hours have been especially challenging and we are extremely grateful for your patience, understanding and continuing contributions to ALOTT5MA’s success. We understand that the speculation about the blog’s future has created uncertainty for each of you and we truly appreciate your ongoing professionalism and performance.

I must reluctantly report that ALOTT5MA, L^3 and The Yin Blog have reached a mutual agreement terminating our joint venture. (Prof. Althouse departed separately and preemptively. Her lawyers are good.)

Under the agreement, the parties will remain co-chairs of Tung's Minutes of Five More Libidinal Althouses on a non-exclusive basis through the end of April 1, 2005. During this period, we will focus our efforts on completing posts currently in production.

ALOTT5MA has agreed to surrender all naming rights and claims to the intellectual property of the joint venture, as well as its right to release movies under the name "Miramax Films". We retain the right to collaborate with Scott and Tung on future products, including, but not limited to, making fun of sequels to hit film franchises like Scary Movie and Spy Kids.

We are incredibly grateful for the chances we havebeen given at Tung's Minutes of Five More Libidinal Althouses over the past day. As bloggers, we truly appreciate the unique opportunities we have had to work with some of the greatest talent, both on the internet and off, and we look forward to further collaborations on groundbreaking projects.
HE'S A PITCHER, PART YOGI AND PART RECLUSE, IMPRESSIVELY LIBERATED FROM OUR OPULENT LIFE-STYLE: On this august day when so much has changed (or has it?) (seriously, make sure you check out Isaac's piece at some point), longtime ALOTT5MA favorite Mets prospect Sidd Finch showed up in the New York Times today, twenty years to the day after he first captured our imagination.
BILOXI, WE HAVE A PROBLEM: Ladies and gentlemen, the history of the Negro Space Program.
IF I CAN BE SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT: Our work was nothing compared to this: presents Celebrity TV Weblogs.
BUT WE GOT THE NUMBERS; GONNA WIN, YEAH: The first hostile takeover has been completed. Get the latest news at the now-renamed Tung's Minutes of Five More Libidinal Althouses.
PHILADELPHIA/IOWA CITY/WASHINGTON/NEW YORK/CHICAGO/PARTS UNKNOWN: After plotting relentlessly in long fortnights, our overlooked 'logs synchronize on this day. This is the right day on which to announce that A List of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago (itself the result of a merger), The Yin Blog and Life, Law, Libido have combined to form one entity, heretofore known as Tung's Minutes of Five Things More Libidinal.

We plan to bring you all the whimsy you already know and love that a group of lawyers, lawprofs, clerks and whatever Alex does for a living can produce, only more so this time now that we've found the main ingredient. Should market share increase, we look forward to a hostile takeover of Prof. Althouse's blog as well.

Please join us at our new site.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE INSTEAD: I am deeply disturbed by the fact that you can buy eight separate remixes of "One Shining Moment (NCAA Basketball Anthem)" on iTunes. There's "Original," which has a certain cheesy charm, the version "With Golden Street Prelude," featuring a John Tesh-esque piano intro, and versions performed by Luther Vandross and Teddy Pendergrass. (Note that link requires iTunes to work.)

On the other hand, the "90s One Hit Wonders" essential collection is freakin' awesome. From Edwyn Collins' "A Girl Like You" all the way through White Town's "Your Woman," with stops along the way in places like Digable Planets' "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)" and Primitive Radio Gods' "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand," you've got a trip down memory lane for folks like me for whom the 90s were the High School and college years. (Though don't ask me to defend "Informer," which makes the list.)
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S IN THE DAMN SANDWICH: I don't know if there's anything left to say about Hootie's BK Commercial now that these guys have covered it.
WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING THE HOSPITAL PLEASE TURN OFF THE LIGHTS? Following in the footsteps of George Clooney, Anthony Edwards, Juliana Margulies, Maria Bello, Alex Kingston, William H. Macy, Eriq LaSalle, Kellie Martin, Gloria Reuben, Ming-Na, Paul McCrane, Michael Michelle, CCH Pounder, Michael Ironside, Ving Rhames, Mariska Hargitay, Glenne Headly, Omar Epps, Jorja Fox, Gedde Watanabe, Lisa Nicole Carson, Frances Sternhagen, Christine Elise, Ron Rifkin and about half of Yvette Freeman, Noah Wyle finally has his discharge plan from Chicago's County General Hospital.
WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW: It's a day for the American Idol hopefuls to talk about their record collections -- public records, that is, such as Scott Savol's felony domestic violence arrest and Anwar, well, not that there's anything wrong (or surprising) with that, but they've found your old Personals ads . . .

Up next: Nadia Turner? Actually 42 years old.
HEY! ANYONE HAVE THE NUMBER FOR THAT LEIBOWITZ KID WHO MAKES WITH THE FUNNY ON THE CABLE CHANNEL? ABC News has announced that Ted Koppel is leaving both Nightline and the network come December.

Your suggestions for what is to be done with the slot (replace Nightline with another host? move Kimmel a half-hour earlier? bring in someone else?) are welcome.

This does, however, make more apparent the wisdom of NBC which, back in September, locked up Conan O'Brien to a long-term deal before his contract expired in January 2006.

edited to add: Bill Carter checks in. Names mentioned include Jon Stewart (uninterested and unavailable), Ellen Degeneres (may be unavailable), Matthew Perry ("He was genuinely interested [in taking the post-Letterman slot], though he was concerned about how it might affect his film career"), David Duchovny (same), Jimmy Kimmel ("His show has been producing steady but unspectacular audiences, and continues to lose money for ABC"), and Ray Romano.
YOU FORGOT THE SCENE IN STAR TREK V WHERE YOU CAN SEE SHATNER COUNTING THE MONEY IN HIS HEAD: The Onion AV Club presents a list of 15 bad scenes in great movies, and, on the flip side, 15 great scenes in bad movies. How exactly Showgirls made it onto the list of "bad scenes in good movies" while What About Bob? made it onto the list of "good scenes in bad movies" eludes me, but the lists are still worth your time. (For the record, I think Showgirls is a horrendous, horrendous movie, while What About Bob? is servicable, if formulaic.) A suggestion for a substitution--while I've never seen The Country Bears and can't judge Christopher Walken's level of awesomeness in it, I think the definitive crazyWalken performance may well be in the Rock/Seann William Scott Vehicle The Rundown, in which Walken delivers a lengthy speech comparing his slave labor in South America to "Oompa Loompas." What else is missing, and what else doesn't belong? (And no one should quibble with the single awesome scene in Deep Blue Sea that easily makes the list--described simply in the article as "Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by a m***********g shark.")
IT'S OVER; NOBODY LISTENS TO TECHNO: Delivering the harshest diss he's received since Eminem sent Obie Trice to stomp on him, Kelefa Sanneh confronts the new Moby disc today:
This music isn't just dull, though. Like much of what Moby has produced since 'Play,' it's condescending, too. Much of it sounds like the work of a producer who thinks pop music is supposed to be kind of idiotic, and who thinks pop audiences should be glad that he deigns to give us what we want. Do we like sex? O.K., here's 'I Like It,' four singularly unpleasant minutes of heavy breathing. Do we like songs about how the world is happy and sad and good and bad? O.K., here's 'Slipping Away,' with a wispy beat and Moby crooning, 'Open to everything, happy and sad/Seeing the good when it's all going . . .' - you can finish the couplets yourself.

He's still got his restaurant business as a fall-back.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

AND THAT'S HOW IT CAME TO PASS, THAT ON THE SECOND TO LAST DAY OF THE JOB, THE LEFT-WING CREW THAT WROTE FOR THE GREY LADY IN THE WINTER OF '05 WOUND UP SITTING IN A ROW, AT TEN IN THE MORNING, DRINKING ICY COLD BOHEMIAN STYLE BEER: The Times' Eric Asimov and friends drank a lot of Pilsners from Germany to Thailand, only to learn that the best in the world comes from the Philadelphia suburbs.
REDLIGHT, GREENLIGHT: I've not watched Project Greenlight before, or seen either of the movies it's spawned thus far, but this season has been totally awesome. The first twist is no longer are we looking for an indie hit--this time, we're working with Dimension, Miramax's "genre" arm, and the goal is to make a film that makes some money, which the prior PG films have failed to do. We start off with the screenplay selection--half of the production staff, particularly new Executive Producer Wes Craven, strongly backed a heist/con script called Wildcard, while the other half, led by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, pushed for the comedy script Where Were You When Hans Gubenstein Invented Time Travel? Then, the studio comes in, and says that only script they'll fund is Feast, a horror script uniformly viewed as the weakest of the three finalists, and described as "Evil Dead meets Diner." After some debate, they bend over for the studio. (Don't feel bad for the other two finalists. Craven has optioned Wildcard, and Affleck/Damon have bought Hans Gubenstein.) In case you want to read the script, it's here.

After losing the script fight to the studio, the production team insists on taking the director with the best reel, an older man named John Gulager, whose short is amazing, but who can't articulate a sentence in the room with producers to save his life. Of course, the utter inarticulateness is problem enough, but thus far, Gulager has demanded complete creative control, including casting his own family members. As we leave this week's episode, Gulager is demanding the right to pitch his family members directly to Bob and Harvey Weinstein, and Chris Moore is making noise about firing him. (Rumor has it that Gulager may ultimately have been fired, thus explaining why the PGL website lacks any blogging from him.)

It's like watching an utter and complete trainwreck take place. And I dig that. Check it out.
14. MISS SAKAMOTO'S BEAUTY: From New Scientist it's 13 things that do not make sense, covering such sensless science as placebos, Planet X, and the Pioneer Anamoly. Apparently the issue went to press before Fran Dreschler's new sitcom got greenlighted by the WB.
I DON'T REALLY NEED TO LOOK VERY MUCH FURTHER: Greatest American Idol Poll Ever: Which overused tune do you never want to hear again on ''Idol''?

It's amazing, but sad, how many songs have been performed 3+ times on the show. My vote, for what it's worth, went to Edwin McCain's ''I'll Be'' (performed by EJay Day, Joshua Gracin, and Bo Bice), because that song got retired once they did the montage of bad audition versions of the song (with McCain's commentary).

At this point, however, that song's finishing in the lead is against the odds, but it's the chance I've got to take . . .
IF THE LABEL FITS . . . Following the untimely passing of Johnnie Cochran, who, now, assumes the mantle of America's Most Famous Living Attorney?

I want to exclude lawyer-pundits like Jeffrey Toobin and lawyer-professors like Alan Dershowitz, so who the most famous practicing attorney in America today? I'm assuming it's not Thomas Mesereau (yet), but I'm stuck for an answer.
YES, BUT "GUADALAJARA MEDICAL SCHOOL" IS SO MUCH HARDER TO SPELL: Note to self: if you're going to testify before Congress, especially on as high-profile a topic as baseball's steroids policy, make sure your resume is accurate.

Or, as one of the subject's employer's stated, "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness gracious."

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

NO WORD ON WHAT PAULA, RANDY, AND SIMON THINK: So, ever wonder what an acoustic quasi-emo cover of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" would sound like? Well, wonder no more. With a little bit of manipulation and hacking, this is so going on my iPod. Also to be noted--spend another 99 cents over at iTunes and buy the new Springsteen single, currently exclusively available there, and pick up (for free) the title track from Kathleen Edwards' new album while you're at it.

(Link via the generous folks in the comments at L-Cubed.)
TRADITIONAL TUESDAY RAAAACE THREAD: Two hours, one thread. I haven't watched yet, so I'm not even looking at the comments. Go to it.
ULTRA-KWIK IDOL REAX: Bo Bice -- your coasting has begun. Jessica -- meh; Nashville Star is on the other channel. Anwar -- I'm tired of that song, and you're relying on glory notes too much. Nadia -- you still remind me of a beauty pageant singer with the staged mannerisms.

Constantine -- my favorite of the night, which means I need to get on new meds, because he's a poseur. But unlike Bo, he embraces his poseur status. Nikko -- Welcome to Charles Grigsby/Rickey Smith World; Population: Three. Federov -- cover the hole and go home already. Carrie -- I still don't get it. Scott -- most deserving to go home. It's like watching someone with Asperger's Syndrome sing, with his complete inability to connect with the audience. Yet it's so beautiful to hear. And Vonzell -- between Trenyce and Frenchie, you'd figure they'd have retired that song by now. But a very solid job.

Bottom three (predicted): Federov, Jessica, Scott. Gone: Jessica.
I MEAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW! What is it about William Shatner that prompts such great writing? We may need to ask the Newark Star-Ledger's Matt Soller Zeitz:
While the producers of "Invasion: Iowa" do all they can to remove the sting from their premise, Shatner restores it. He seems fully aware of the show's artistic and moral implications, and his detailed, imaginative performance keeps this awareness in the foreground throughout. He seems to approach this assignment not just as a televised prank, but as an epic improvisation that lets him stay in character continuously for weeks, satirize Middle America's worst fears about Hollywood arrogance, and investigate the kinship between acting and lying. . . .

It's a great and uncategorizable performance -- great because it grasps the ethical implications of the film crew's deception with a sureness that eludes the show's producers and editors, and is impossible to categorize because you've never seen anything quite like it.

When did the public first realize Shatner's greatness? Probably December 20, 1986.
SOMETIMES A LIST IS JUST A LIST: Ah, what to say about Sarah Boxer's "story" in today's Times? I feel compelled to mention it, since it is about blogs and lists (though saying it is really "about" anything might be generous). Daniel does a good job dissecting the story's utter pointlessness here. A decade ago I was working at a print magazine covering the burgeoning Internet and part of our mission (we called it "Spy meets Wired") was to point out the silliness in reporting like this. That was a decade ago (a point, which is painfully clear by looking through the mag's archives, which seem so quaint today).

Is the point of this story to say that lists have invaded the blogosphere, as opposed to say television, magazines, newspapers, books, radio, sports, or politics? With Passover rapidly approaching (the signal is the huge display of matzo at the grocery store, though, and this always bugs me, are you telling me that all of my relatives baked their bread on a daily basis? Not a single one grabbed a loaf or two of the fully leavened stuff they had baked the day before?), maybe Boxer needs to be reminded that God himself, when he isn't busy helping Colorado juries, was a big fan of making lists.

And speaking of the quaint days of the Internet of yore, remember all those ridiculous depictions of computers from the days before google was a verb (think of those huge animations when people sent emails or the combined trip-tracking software/Pac-Man game in Vacation). I was reminded of how far we've come while watching a couple of movies recently. First, in Something's Gotta Give, which my wife somehow got my five.five-year-old-son enmeshed in the other night, older folks like Jack and Diane, who in the past who have been depicted as befuddled by those darn-tootin', new fangled contraptions, IM each other effortlessly using a realistic AIM interface (and presumably their wireless high-speed networks). Compare that to the Denzel Washington 1998 film Fallen that I began watching at the gym yesterday. Denzel, researching a crime in which he can't get any information from the traditional venues because his superiors are stymieing him and the records are sealed, goes on Webcrawler(!), enters a semi-common name, and is instantly taken to an actual page from a newspaper containing the story he needs. He doesn't even have to enter the paper's name, just the name. With those kind of results, it?s a wonder Google was ever to make those Clinton-era search engines obsolete.
14:58, 14:59: Yes, casting for the new season of "The Surreal Life" has been announced. Following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Verne Troyer, Ryan Starr, and Dave Coulier will be "Bash Brother" Jose Canseco, "ANTM" judge Janice Dickinson, Sandi "Pepa" Denton, Bronson "Balki" Pinchot, inveterate famewhore Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, former UK Page 3 model Caprice (n.b., link NSFW), and "motocross madman" Carey Hart (not the "Sunglasses at Night" pop star--that's Corey). Yes--VH1, home of the sixteenth minute of fame.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON JUST TAKE IT! If you download only one song from iTunes this month -- and, really, why would you stop there? -- but make sure it's the Joss Stone/Melissa Etheridge "Cry Baby/Piece of My Heart" tribute to Janis Joplin from this year's Grammy Awards and already much praised in these parts (see comments, too).

Two things relevant to your American Idol-watching tonight will become immediately apparent:
  • The talent gap between turns-18-in-two-weeks Joss Stone and the performers who require American Idol to be discovered is measured not in inches or feet, but miles. As good as you may think Kelly Clarkson or Fantasia Barrino is, Miss Stone's talents just blow them away. What a remarkable voice.
  • How much of singing is about infusing the song with your own personality. Now, I don't generally think of Melissa Etheridge as a "singer", but when she starts on "Piece of My Heart", it's just incredibly moving. As bad as you thought Carrie Underwood's countrified take on the song was before, it's even worse in comparison to this. Quality singing requires selling the authenticity of the emotions of the words, and Etheridge, with all she's been through, God bless her, makes you believe it. C'mon, take it! Take another little piece of my heart.
Tonight on Idol: is it finally time for Tribute To Mope Rock? I'd love to see Federov tackle "Boys Don't Cry", Bo Bice on "Love Will Tear Up Apart Again" and Constantine telling us that "hopes may rise on the Grasmere, but honey pie, you're not safe here . . . "
PRAISELAND COMES ALIVE: Ned Flanders would be thrilled to read about a planned £144 million biblical theme park coming to the U.K.:
The complex would offer visitors the chance to slide down the Tower of Babel before climbing aboard Noah’s Ark, parting the Red Sea and felling Goliath with a laser-guided slingshot.

Before leaving Ark Alive, billed as the place “where Disney meets the Bible”, children would also have the experience of expulsion from the Garden of Eden, being swallowed by a whale, escaping from a lion’s den and walking on water.

And for parents, come visit Lot And His Daughters!

Monday, March 28, 2005

DENNYCRANE. CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS: Not only did William Shatner just receive one of the more jaw-droppingly-accurate Fame Audits ever last week, but his new miniseries, Invasion Iowa (a/k/a Joe Schmo 3), debuts on SpikeTV this Tuesday night, with the four-episode series airing every night this week at 9p and 11p eastern.
PIRATES PILLAGE. PIRATES STEAL. PIRATES TAKE ADVANTAGE: And as in a certain Johnny Depp/Geoffrey Rush movie of summer 2004, some pirates never die, as Rupert Boneham may apparently be joining Rahb and Ambuh and schlep his whole family onto The Amazing Race 8.

Why couldn't it be Lex and Colby? Ethan and Jenna M? Michael Skupin and Andrew Savage? Rudy and Scout? "Mad Dog" Maralyn and Rob C.?

Or better yet, people from other reality shows, like Austin Scarlett and Jay McCarroll, Teck and Ruthie, or Sorority Life's Candace, Jordan, DeDe and Pauli? Haven't we all had just about enough of America's Favorite Survivor?
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS, AND I DON'T CARE TO: A second "Where Are They Now?" item today seems a bit like overkill, but for those of you wondering where "Shakes The Clown" writer, director, and star Bobcat Goldthwait went, we now have an answer. He's now the supervising director of "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" Kimmel claims Goldthwait "understands subtlety," which seems to be belied by his prior work.
I'LL STICK WITH THE CINIMINIS: Apparently, those annoying Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch commercials with Darius Rucker and Brooke Burke haven't done enough to reinvigorate Burger King after the ill-concieved return of the Burger King himself. So what's the answer? The "Enormous Omelet Sandwich." According to that report, the sandwich will include a sausage patty, three strips of bacon, two slices of cheese, and two eggs, all on some sort of roll--730 calories and 47 grams of fat. In the article, a reporter from QSR, a "fast-food magazine" (apparently, they exist) is quoted as saying ""The critics will still label it food porn, but the average male fast-food customer does not have a problem with this."
FORTUNATELY, ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING: For this week's installment of "Where Are They Now?," we discover that 60s icon Robert Goulet will be joining the cast of La Cage Aux Folles on Broadway. Hopefully, audiences will take more kindly to Goulet than did Presley, who so loathed one Goulet performance on TV that he pulled out a .44 and shot the TV tube. Remote controls--keeping you and your family safe from stray bullets.