I THOUGHT SHE CHEATED EVERY TEST, AND SNORTED ALL THE YAY:  The NYT Science page on Natalie Portman, Hedy (not Hedley) Lamarr, and other Hollywood stars with serious science cred.  Unfortunately, they missed a certain star with a master's in chemical engineering; who speaks English, Swedish, Spanish, some German, some French, some Japanese, and some Italian; and who was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT back in the day. Yes, gang: Dolph Lundgren.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. ELTON JOHN will be hosting and musical-guesting SNL on April 2, his first involvement with the show since 1982. (The only older hosts in recent years: Betty White, Robert DeNiro, John McCain, and Christopher Walken.)

Your hosts for the next two weeks are  Miley Cyrus (y'all) followed by the return of Zach Galifianakis.

A MEMO FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE ACADEMY: Congratulations on being selected to host the Oscars. Just wanted to go over the ground rules with you:

For men hosting the Oscars:

• Most important rule: be funny
• But don't forget whose party this is, so no jokes that might be interpreted as being directed toward or inspired by anybody in the audience or any friends of people in the audience
• This includes any jokes about alcoholism, drug addiction, anti-semitism, prostitutes, infidelity, promiscuity, divorce, poor parenting skills, greed, vanity, intelligence, temper, talent, has-been-ism, or made-up religions
• Also, don't forget that this is a television show designed to appeal to the widest possible potential audience
• So no jokes about sex, politics, other religions, or world events
• Try to focus on jokes that would make your granddad laugh
• Pretend your granddad was a Catskills comedian
• But less racist
• For example, dressing up like a lady is never not funny
• Because the gays are funny
• But don't say anything about the gays
• Also maybe something about how old-timey baseball films are all sped-up
• Exactly like Billy Crystal except with the kind of sex appeal that will get the teens to watch is what I'm saying
• And just be yourself

For women hosting the Oscars:

• Smile
• Diet
• Wear a bunch of dresses
• Don't slap anybody who cops a feel

That's it. Enjoy! Also, if you violate these rules you'll be blackballed.

Sincerely,

Tom Sherak
President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences

THE QUEST FOR THE NEXT SUNDANCE HEAD: Rather than form our own, please join me in entering -- and then dominating -- the What's Alan Watching? league in the HitFix American Idol fantasy contest.

As I noted on Alan's blog, the question is whether all the structural changes -- new judges, Jimmy Iovine, Bieber Rule, Facebook voting and the "you can stay within your genre" theme weeks to come -- will be meaningful enough to overcome a voting audience which likes its Unthreatening White Boys With Guitars Who Seem To Improve During The Competition very much, thank you.

MASSACRE ON EIGHTH AVENUE:  Wow. Yesterday was the final NYT Magazine for Randy Cohen (12 years), Amanda Hesser (5 years), Virginia Heffernan (4 years), and, barely a month after the debut of the ALOTT5MA Friday Grammar Rodeo, the On Language column (32 years). Ariel Kaminer will replace Cohen at The Ethicist desk, Edith Zimmerman from The Hairpin is getting a column and Fametracker/NYMag's Adam Sternbergh is on board as culture editor.  Also, if you didn't notice, Deborah Solomon has been condensed and edited for the last time.

I DON'T HAVE ANY DEEPER ISSUES. I LIKE TO KEEP THINGS RIGHT ON THE SURFACE:  The NYT's David Carr -- a former addict himself (as he alludes to in the piece) -- wonders why a corporate America which otherwise takes abuse and harassment of women seriously looks the other way when it comes to Charlie Sheen.

added:  Sheen spoke on some of the morning shows today.  To ABC News, he said, "I got tiger blood, man. My brain….fires in a way that is -- I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."

Poniewozik: "[T]here's a sad sense of overcompensating in Sheen's bragging. 'I won Best Picture at 20,' he said. 'Wasn't even trying.' (For the record, he was in Platoon; the movie won Best Picture, actors do not.) All the glory-days references, the Top Gun and F-18 imagery—there's this sense of Sheen as the guy who was once almost Tom Cruise, then wasn't."

MEN, YOU ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON A GREAT CRUSADE TO STAMP OUT RUNAWAY DECENCY IN THE WEST. NOW YOU MEN WILL ONLY BE RISKING YOUR LIVES, WHILST I WILL BE RISKING AN ALMOST CERTAIN ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATION FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Welcome to our third annual Academy Awards Cover-It-Liveblog -- updated!-- it's now below the fold.  Your comments are welcome ... in the comments.

added, Monday AM:  I'm struck in retrospect -- as I noted during the liveblog -- at the oddness of a show that claimed to be reaching for the young/hip demographic which failed to include the current generation of comic film actors among its presenters. Where were Seth Rogen, Jack Black, Steve Carell, Tina Fey, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, any Wilson (or Wayans) brother, Paul Rudd, Michael Cera, Leslie Mann, Tyler Perry or Zach Galifianakis? Were they even in the audience? If you want a lively show, have lively people on the stage.  I don't care how young Cate Blanchett, Jake Gyllenhaal or Hugh Jackman are -- a ceremony with them on the dais will feel old.