Friday, April 20, 2007

MILE HIGH, TWO MILES DUMB: I usually try not to post about TV three times in a row -- I like to promote the fiction that I think about something other than television at least 33% of the time -- but I did want to mention this awesome season of the granddaddy of reality TV shows, MTV's The Real World. RW:Denver seems like it's about half-over, so let's see how the housemates have done so far:
  • Colie: Tulanian/Jersey-Girl Katrina-shill. Slept/fell in love with housemate Alex first night. Continued to throw herself drunkenly, slurringly at him the rest of the season, except for (a) when she had mono; (b) when she was in love with Crispin Glover's hippie doppelganger, an Outward-Bound dropout; (c) when she was in love with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she previously and subsequently yammered on about not having a relationship; and (d) when she was mad at Alex about the Jen thing (see below). Wore an incongruous bikini while trying to break up a fight between Tyrie and Davis.
  • Jen: Trashy Raiders cheerleader (is there any other kind?); not as hot as she clearly thinks she is. Professed her loyalty to her new friend Colie on the first night. Betrayed that loyalty by sleeping with Alex on the second night. Told Alex he disgusted her and that she'd never sleep with him again. Slept with him again. Slept with John, a bouncer. Slept with some guy visiting another roommate. Told her boyfriend that she slept with Alex once, but that was it. Busted, admitted that she slept with him twice, but that was it. Busted, admitted that she fooled around with the guy visiting a roommate, but that was it. Busted, admitted that she slept with the guy, but that was it. Busted, was about to admit that she slept with the bouncer, but the boyfriend cut her off and said, look, I get the picture. Got insanely, violently drunk every single night. When Tyrie went to the drunk tank, said, essentially, "what's the big deal? I'm there all the time. The baloney sandwich sucks." Off-camera, stalked Spacepeople on Oakland-LA flight.
  • Alex: College man-whore. Slept with different roommates on the first two nights of the season; led on the first roommate and did an encore with the second. Brought home a really trashy girl and had loud sex in the middle of the house, then kicked her out. Wears pink shirts with the collar up, like a real-world version of the evil rich kids in teen movies. Is hilariously scared of Jen's boyfriend.
  • Tyrie: Angry Black man. Inexplicably managed to remain charming and likeable despite twice getting insanely enraged for no particular reason and once drunkenly peeing in public twenty feet from cops who he knew were there to observe him and thirty feet from his own bathroom in his own house. Cried on the way home from jail. Was really cute with the Outward Bound kids.
  • Davis: Gay Christian. Antagonized Tyrie (who is twice his size), inexplicably survived after using the N-word in a drunken fight, set record for playing the "I want to go home" card, biggest gossip/backstabber in the history of reality television. Keeps flirting with insane Brooke, but by "flirting" I mean "pawing and sleeping naked."
  • Brooke: Deranged person. Threw a gale-force tantrum when someone told her to wash her own dishes. Faked a broken ankle so transparently that she wore a brace with pumps. Freaked out when she heard that Davis said something catty about her looks. Wrecked Davis's room, rock-star style, because he explained that what he said was that she has a double-chin when she looks down. Cried because a guy asked her to go bowling on a second date.
  • Stephen: Kind of a dick, but also kind of boring. They can't all be deranged.
So there it is, the best cast since Las Vegas, except dumber and with fewer redeeming qualities. Good TV.

1 comment:

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