COINCIDENTALLY, "IDOL GIVES BACK" IS WHAT I LIKE TO CALL MY TAX RETURN: I guess I'm tapedelayblogging this thing (and by the way, the serious parts -- I am not touching that shit, don't worry). Let me first say that I think it's great that Idol is doing this. I don't remember Alias Takes a Bullet for Victims of Violence or The Jeffersons Help You Move On Up. But ...
Idol Gives Back? I didn't pay attention to this last year, so sorry if this is an unoriginal thought, but don't you usually want to make the charity the focus, not the charitor? Is the group sing going to be "I Am the World?" And also, when somebody tells me to "give something back," I understand that to mean "... to the person from whom I took it in the first place." I'm guessing Uganda didn't get all messed up texting votes for Bucky Covington. So the show should really be called Idol Gives Some of What You Gave Us to Somebody Else.
Anyway, nothing gets me in the mood for giving like SYTYCD dancers fondling David Archuleta. Did somebody leave Lacey in the toaster too long? She's the color of Lauren's tights.
Maria Shriver's skull is on the outside. Somebody should tell Kobe that he doesn't need to wear the nicotine patch on his eye socket.
I buy Paula as a tone-deaf Tenille, but Randy is a shitty Captain.
Paula (to kid in between Paula and Randy in back of car): Where do the children play?
Kid: Most of them don't come out of their house because they're scared of them doing a drive-by.
Paula: Why the hell am I sitting by the window?
[Next shot: Kid sitting by window.]
Why am I watching Lois Lane, Chase, Agent Weiss, the Bachelor, and Bonnie Sommerville(?) singing a song? They should open up for that band with Stephen King and Amy Tan, and maybe Bruce Willis can join them on harmonica, and then there will be no vanity left anywhere else.
Miley Cyrus: America's Paige Michalchuk. At least I'm pretty sure that's Miley Cyrus, and not her alter ego, the Jonas Brothers.
Ann and Nancy Wilson are still so bad-ass. If I were Carly I would be embarrassed.
I always get Jon Cena and Jon Secada confused.
Did Idol have Amanda and Ramiele and Hernandez back just to man the phone banks? Man, cold. Amanda is like, "give more, or I will FUCK you up," and Ramiele is like, "double that, or I'm going to sing," and Archuleta is having a panic attack because he's not practicing right now. Seriously, he basically admitted this on last night's show.
One word out of Beckham's mouth, and Spacewoman goes, "I am so over him." I forgot British people could sound dumb.
You just can't tell me that David Archuleta (or, for that matter anybody else in this year's crop) is capable of a confident, polished, mature performance like that Underwood one. I never liked her, but she does put the lie to this crop of wannabes. I do wish Jesse Spencer were in her string quartet, though.
Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Dane Cook, Mary Murphy, Robin Williams, Tyra Banks. Now I feel like crying.
Wow, Miley Cyrus hates stutterers. I had a joke here, but oh, so wrong. Even I can't post that.
And with that, my DVR cut out. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that you can still give at www.americanidol.com.
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