Sunday, August 31, 2008

STUDIO 8-H, SEPTEMBER 13, APPROXIMATELY 11:30 PM EDT: Open on Lorne Michaels' office. Michaels, of course, is having his portrait redone, while being manicured. The door opens:
Michael Phelps: [He's topless. Audience cheers.] You wanted to see me, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels:
Yes, come in. Are you having a good week?
Phelps: I'm very excited about the show tonight. I've been doing my practice, working on my lines, and I'm just thrilled for the opportunity.
Michaels: How's the opening monologue coming along?
Phelps: Actually, I'm a little nervous about that. I've never done this sort of thing before. Can I try some of it out for you?
Michaels: Sure, Mike.
Phelps: Where do ghosts like to swim? [pause] Lake Eerie!
Michaels: [pause] Okay, that was awful. But there is something we can do.
Phelps: Just tell me. I really want to do my best.
Michaels: About a year and a half ago, we had Peyton Manning come in to host, and he told us he wasn't much of a comic. So I called up GE's research scientists to see if there was anything we could do about it, and they came back to me with an answer. [Opens closet door. And he pulls out ...] They came up with this suit. Yes, I know -- looks like a basic two-piece men's suit, but it's not. It has been specially engineered for maximum comic potential, using space-aged fibers and polymers. This shirt has been woven with special threads that subliminally creates a laughter reflex in 80% of female viewers aged 18-34. All you have to do is put it on, and I guarantee it will make you 15% funnier than anyone else out there.
[Enter Andy Samberg. Audience cheers.]
Samberg: Lorne, I couldn't help overhearing something about a suit to make me ...
Michaels: No. Nothing will make "Laser Cats" funny.
[Samberg makes pouty face, leaves.]
Phelps: How long does it take to put the suit on?
Michaels: About a minute. You'll have just enough time if you...
Phelps: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! [Bolts out Michaels' door.]

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