TERRIBLE, SAD JOKES:
Guy walks into a bar. "Ouch," he says, "didn't see that there."
Guy walks into a bar. "Can I fix you a drink?" asks the bartender. "No thanks," says the guy. "I'd prefer a new one that hasn't been broken."
Guy walks into a bar. "I'll have a drink," he says, "and one for my charitable disposition, too. Or don't you serve my kind here?"
Guy walks into a bar. After a brief consultation with the bartender, he leaves. He returns some hours later, yodeling and dressed like a Swiss orphan girl. "You asked to see my Heidi?" he says to the bartender.
Guy walks into a bar. "Sir," says the bartender, "I'd like you to meet my friend, Susan. She is a neurologist, and I believe she may be able to help you."
Guy walks into a barre, says "What the hell am I doing in a ballet studio?"
ReplyDeleteGuy walks into a bar, says "Hey, Carla, I'm going to be home late tonight. They gotta fit me for a new penguin suit."
ReplyDeleteA Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
ReplyDeleteA guy walks into a bar. The next guy ducks.
ReplyDeleteDuck walks into a bar. He says, "Put it on my bill."
ReplyDeleteNot bar related:
ReplyDeleteWhat is brown and rhymes with Snoop? (Dr. Dre)
One of the few jokes my mom can remember is the "A string walks into a bar" joke.
ReplyDeleteMyself, I can reliably remember only the following two:
1. How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? You paint his toenails red.
and this nonsensical lark from my dad:
2. What's the difference between an orange? A bicycle, and a vest has no sleeves.
OMG, Watts, I LOOOVE the string walks into a bar joke! I've been telling it for years as my favorite corny joke. I think I get the laughs I do with it only because I love it so unabashedly.
ReplyDeleteI have a 6 year old and a three year old. Therefore, all the world is a knock knock joke. The biggest hit in my house at the moment:
ReplyDeleteKnock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupti...
MOO!
My niece and nephew did a version of that, involving an interrupting kitty.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the string joke?
ReplyDeleteA termite walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, where is the bar tender?"
ReplyDeleteAn Italian race car driver, an astronaut, and a pig walk into a bar. The bartender sees that the astronaut has a duck on his head and says, 'is this some kind of a joke'
Well, this is the way my mom tells it:
ReplyDeleteA string walks into a bar, asks for a drink. Bartender points to a sign on the wall that says, "No strings served in this establishment," and refuses to serve her [the string is a girl in my mom's telling.] So the string leaves.
The string goes outside the bar, picks apart a few strands on the top of her head, ties them together and then teases and fluffs. She walks back into the bar, asks for a drink. Bartender points out the sign and says, "Can't you read? We don't serve strings in here. Aren't you a string?" She bats her eyelashes at the bartender and says, "Oh, no, I'm a frayed knot."
(This is one of those jokes that works better out loud than on paper - should I have typed it "Oh, no, I'm afraid not?)
ReplyDeleteThat one is currently in heavy rotation at our house too.
ReplyDeletemine too. apparently, you can't get enough of it...
ReplyDeleteI don't have many good bar jokes but know a bunch of lightbulb ones, my favorites being:
ReplyDeleteHow many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
7 -- One to stand on the ladder and change the bulb and 6 to watch and say "That should be me up there!"
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY!
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
The last funny thing I saw Robin Williams do was the bar joke in The Aristocrats:
ReplyDeleteA rabbi walks into a bar with a gorilla. Bartender says "My god! Where did you get that?" And the gorilla says "Brooklyn. They're everywhere!"
I always liked:
ReplyDeleteHow many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3 - One to screw in the light bulb and two to design the t-shirt about it.
I have no bar jokes either, but in keeping with Maret's theme:
ReplyDeleteHow many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.
I believe Mr. Cosmo informed us of the U of Chicago variation thereof:
ReplyDeleteHow many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None--if the lightbulb needs to be screwed in, the market will take care of it.
Yep, popular in my house too, with my 2 and 4 year olds. The 2 year old doesn't get it, but laughs hysterically because her sister does, and then walks around yelling, "MOO!" randomly in people's faces for the next 10 minutes.
ReplyDeleteFor whatever reason, my favorite knock knock joke has always been (though now somewhat dated):
ReplyDeleteHow many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for 20 years.
Along those lines, what's brown and sticky? A stick!
ReplyDeleteAh, that's the other "joke" I can sometimes remember - "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick."
ReplyDeleteHow many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteOne, and the world just revolves around her...
How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteOne, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
Adding all of these to my list...
ReplyDeleteAt my house we insert my sister's name and everyone finds it hilarious except her.
ReplyDeleteA dyslexic walks into a bra...
ReplyDeleteAt my old software job, the joke was:
ReplyDeleteHow many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - the light bulb in our testing environment works fine.
A bar walks into a physicist... oops, wrong frame of reference.
ReplyDeleteWhen my nephew was small, he didn't get the timing, so it went like this:
ReplyDeleteKnock knock? Who's there? Interrupting kitty. Interrupting kitty who? Meow (big grin)
I should have credited Adlai's better half on this one. Which explains why we are the only ones who like it.
ReplyDeleteHow many English majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you ask our waiter?
Not a bar joke, but here goes:
ReplyDeleteThis fellow is working in New York, hate his job, and after months of working over time hears a voice: "SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND GO TO VEGAS!" He ignores it, but every day, at 6pm, he hears the same voice: SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND GO TO VEGAS! A couple of months of therapy later and finally he sells everything he owns, gets a cashiers check, and goes to Vegas.
He gets to the airport and waits, "GO TO THE BELLAGIO!" The voice says. So he goes.
And he gets to the Bellagio and he waits. "GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!" The voice says. SO he goes.
"PUT EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON 29 BLACK." The voice says, so he does.
The wheel spins. It comes up 32 Red.
The voice says, "SHIT."
The only awful joke I can think of right now is the great one Michelle Williams' character tells in Blue Valentine, but it's pretty off-color so I'm going to refrain. (However, go see the movie, it's fantastic).
ReplyDeleteHow many matinee audience members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteTwo. One to do it, and one to say "Rose! He's screwing in a lightbulb!"
Q: What nationality are Santa & Mrs. Claus?
ReplyDeleteA: North Polish
How many big firm lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Three---1 junior associate to change the lightbulb, 1 senior associate to supervise the lightbulb changing, and 1 partner to review the changed lightbulb and bill the related time.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I remember from physics (philosophy?) was the story of a physicist (can't remember who at this point) who drove his car into a tree. When a cop asked him what happened he answered "I was driving straight down the road when out of nowhere a tree cam into my frame of reference."
ReplyDeleteA battery and a bra walk into a bar. The battery sidles up to the barman and asks for a gin and tonic and a beer.
ReplyDelete"I am sorry, sir" the barman replies, "we don't serve your kind here"
"Why not?" asks the battery.
"Well, you look like you're about to start something and she is off her tits!"
The follow up to the brown and sticky joke in our household is:
ReplyDeleteWhat is yellow and sticky?
Monkey Vomit.
You have to deliver it straight after the brown and sticky joke to keep the laughter rolling but definitely gets a chuckle out of the six year old.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteThree - one to do it and two to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
My all time favourite joke:
ReplyDeleteWhat's big and red and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater!
And one more from me, because as my best friend would say, these are all D'Arcy jokes.
ReplyDeleteTwo cows are standing in a field. One cow says, "Hey, have you heard about this mad cow disease?" The other one says, "What are you telling me for? I'm a rabbit."
Now that you mention it, I really don't miss answering discovery.
ReplyDeleteA dog and a cat are in a living room. The dog gets into its bed, spins around three times, then lies down. The cat asks, "why do you spin around three times before you lie down?" And the dog says, "Holy shit, a talking cat!"
ReplyDeleteWhat do you call a cow with no legs?
ReplyDeleteGround beef!
I've heard one with a similar punchline, but I couldn't remember it, and besides, I figured I'd contributed enough to this thread already :)
ReplyDeleteWhat goes 'CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG! CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG!'
ReplyDeleteAn Amish drive-by shooting.
Stupid, but always makes me laugh.
We transactional big firm lawyers can get in on that too:
ReplyDeleteHow many big firm lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Sign this first...
<span>Lightbulb Questioner, LLC (“</span><span><span>Questioner</span></span><span>”) hereby agrees to protect, indemnify and hold harmless Lightbulb Maintenance, LLC ("</span><span><span>Lightbulb</span></span><span>") and each of the other indemnified persons and each indemnified party related to Lightbulb or such other indemnified persons from and against any and all losses which Lightbulb or any such other indemnified persons or indemnified party may incur under or by reason of this Section, or for any action taken by Lightbulb or any such other indemnified party hereunder, or by reason or in defense of any and all claims and demands whatsoever which may be asserted against Lightbulb or any such other indemnified persons or indemnified party arising out of the question of lightbulb repair (the “</span><span><span>Question</span></span><span>”), including, without limitation, any claim by any third person for credit on account of the answer of the Question received by Questioner. The foregoing indemnity shall include, in any case, such loss as may result from the ordinary negligence of Lightbulb or such other indemnified persons or indemnified party, but not any such loss that is caused by the gross negligence or willful misconduct of Lightbulb or any such other indemnified persons or indemnified party. In the event that Lightbulb or any Indemnified Party incurs any Losses covered by the indemnity set forth in this Section, the amount thereof, including reasonable attorneys’ fees, with interest thereon at the Default Rate, shall be payable by Questioner to Lightbulb within ten (10) days after demand. The liabilities of Questioner as set forth in this Section shall survive the termination of this Question and the answer thereof.</span>
Was it the muffin version? Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot in here." The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN."
ReplyDeleteThis thread is making me remember all of the silly jokes I learned at camp. Awesome.
it's the old Carnac joke: "SIS BOOM BAAH."
ReplyDelete"What sound does an exploding sheep make?"
Jake told this joke on Two and a Half Men. Charlie didn't laugh. I did.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you call a teacher who never farts in public?
ReplyDeleteA private tutor.
Knock Knock.
ReplyDeleteWho's there?
Unresponsive Cow?
Unresponsive Cow who?
I actually write bad jokes like these all the time, because it punches up my stage banter. Here are my latest:
ReplyDelete________________
Did you hear the one about the margarine in an existential crisis?
He walked around asking everyone, "Por Que? Por Que?"
_______
Q: How many dangling conversation threads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
_______
Especially funny since I just finished reading Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult, in which the Amish figure prominently.
ReplyDelete