- It is always appropriate to say something nice about the deceased.
- It is considered polite to inflate the decendent's talents beyond any rational measure.
- It is in poor taste to consider oneself constrained by inapplicable concepts like "objectivity" or "sanity."
- Criticism of the decedent is a delicate balance. It is never under any circumstances appropriate to say anything less than superlatively complimentary of a deceased celebrity, except in those instances where mild or savage criticism is appropriate or even mandatory.
- If any person within earshot or googleshot spent money on a product associated with the decedent before the person turned 28 or before the person went to grad school (whichever occurred first), any failure to acknowledge the absolute perfection of the celebrity decedent will be treated as a provocation warranting physical violence.
- Celebrity death retroactively cures pedophilia.
- One must always wait at least a respectful or nominal or none length of time before making a joke about a celebrity death.
- The phrase "too soon?" is a foolproof way of ensuring that one does not offend a person who would not otherwise have been offended. Though the following statement is not an etiquette issue, the ratio of funny-to-unfunny jokes preceding the phrase "too soon" approaches a limit of zero, and the ratio of funny-to-unfunny instances of the use of the phrase "too soon" is exactly zero.
- Literally everybody believes that suicide and drug addiction are sad and tragic, but it is a good idea in the event of a celebrity suicide or the death of a celebrity who struggled with drug addiction to make sure that everybody knows that you agree with this unanimous opinion by promiscuous use of the words "sad" and "tragic."
- If a celebrity died at the same age or in the same month, season, year, or manner as another celebrity, it is a sign of respect to point out these similarities or proximities so that people of disparate accomplishments can be reduced to their common mortality.
- Every celebrity's life was a testament to the divine rewards available to those who live properly, or ended in divine punishment for wickedness, but usually both, and one should take care to learn the lesson of the celebrity death, which is that one should and should not emulate the behavior of the decedent.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
CELEBRITY DEATH ETIQUETTE: LESSONS FROM 35 YEARS OF CELEBRITY DEATHS*:
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