Wednesday, February 2, 2005

ALSO IRRITATING ME: WHY IS THERE A "P" IN "ABSORPTION"? I realize this is going to come across like Mr. Crankypants, but I need to get a few things off my chest.

First, apologies to Adam and the great city of Philadelphia, but it's time to declare a moratorium on discussions of the heroic suffering of [insert locality here]'s sports fans. I realize I joined in a few months back, and I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought it would get better after the Red Sox win -- it's not like doomsday cults pick up and go home when the expiration date comes and goes with no rapture. Instead, the Sox win has let the self-pity multiply, so now you have three splinter cults: (a) Cubs baseball division, in which fans lay claim to the only remaining time-tested mythical suffering; (b) at-large division, in which fans in every city except New York, Boston, and Chicago apply, American-Idol-style, for the open slot as Mythical Suffering Greater Metropolitan Area #2; and (c) Boston division, in which fans continue to gloat about how their suffering used to be so meaningful. Have you ever had a friend who liked to lord his misery over others? Remember what happened? You stopped inviting him out for beers. Let's not be that guy. Also, I propose that anybody who has ever felt like he lived and died with a sports team is entitled, upon being informed that his losses just aren't as significant as somebody else's losses, to kick the teller in the jewels. If your response to somebody else's overtime playoff loss begins with "at least you're not..." then you had better be wearing a cup.

Second, speaking of suffering and sports, can we all just agree to put the NHL out of its misery, not just for this season, but forever? This would do the world three favors: (1) it would end the insanity where guys named Jaromir or Marty could demand salary parity with athletes you might actually want to pay to see (I need to know how on earth it is that six NHL players make eight-figure salaries. Don't you have to have a TV contract to pay those?); (2) it would get pro hockey fans, the most vile sports demographic north of WWE pay-per-view customers and south of the Pacers' starting lineup, out of civic arenas and back into work-release programs where they belong (Calgary Flames fans: please, for the love of God, keep your shirts on); and (3) it would allow hockey to return to the way it should be, where unpaid kids skate euro-style and quick guys who are 5'7" can dominate a game.

Third, an open letter to the NYT: Stop obsessing about blogs. Nobody is trying to take your job. Nobody is going to make you obsolete. Love, Isaac.

Feel much better now.

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