TRANSCRIPT FROM X-MEN LEGENDS: WOLVERINE STORY MEETING:
Studio Suit #1: So, writer, whatcha got for us?
Writer: Well, we have a tale of brother against brother, spanning a good century and several wars, and how they are torn apart by the love of a woman. And there's a big fight at the end when the claws come out for the first time--it's more of an emotional journey.
Studio Suit #1: Great! Great! How much does it have in the way of explosions?
Writer: Explosions? You mean emotional explosions? Because they have a couple of big arguments.
Studio Suit #2: Well, we're really aiming for the 18-25 male demographic, so we need a bunch of explosions. Ideally, at least one should involve an exploding helicopter. That demographic loves that.
Studio Suit #1: And, to make sure we get the chicks too, can we have a lengthy, but nonsensical, sequence that serves basically no purpose but to keep Hugh Jackman naked for 15 minutes?
Writer: Um, OK, Ican work on that.
Studio Suit #2: We also got a bunch of folks signed for roles. Ryan Reynolds is going to do it.
Writer: Great! There's a comic book character that's perfect for him!
Studio Suit #1: One little catch. He'll only film for a week, and has only agreed to have like 10 lines of dialogue. Dating Scarlett Johansson has made him kind of a diva.
Writer: Let me see what I can do.
Studio Suit #2: Also, we have that guy from Lost.
Writer: Ooooh! Terry O'Quinn? He'd make an interesting young Xavier!
Studio Suit #2: No, not that guy, the annoying guy with the beard.
Writer: Matthew Fox?
Studio Suit #2: No, the one who plays the singer. You know, "You All Everybody!"
Writer: That guy? Um, I can try.
Studio Suit #1: Yeah, he's said he wants to play a mutant with unclear powers that don't make any sense.
(Stunned silence.)
Studio Suit #2: And, we've got this kid, he plays some character named Tom, no Tim, Riggins? All the ladies say he looks just like that Gambit character from the comic books, and they love him.
Studio Suit #1: Also, we get a tax incentive for filming in New Orleans, so two birds with one stone, right? You can work that in.
Writer: OK, Gambit's a great character and he's a solid actor, but he doesn't really fit into the story.
Studio Suit #1: We also have Liev Schreiber. But he has a contractual requirement that he be allowed to chew at least four pieces of scenery per scene.
Studio Suit #2: But we have a clause that makes that literal. If his character is gnawing on something in a wolflike manner, that's one of the scenery chews required! So work that in.
Writer: Mmmmkay. What about an effects budget?
Studio Suit #1: Oh, there'll be a big one, but we really want to aim for "cheap looking." We know we got the Wolverine claws right in the prior movies, and we're really shooting for "worse" this time.
Studio Suit #2: Oh, and can you have a big fight sequence at Three Mile Island? Because the nuclear power industry will subsidize the film if we have a sequence there that suggests there never was a meltdown, just a big coverup.
Writer: OK, I quit. Here's my current draft. (He walks out, tossing a script on the table.)
Studio Suit #1: Good enough! This, plus our ideas, and whatever we make up as we go along, can't miss.
Studio Suit #2: After all, it's a comic book movie! It's not SUPPOSED to be any good.
(To summarize--a lot of really nice casting--Jackman, Schreiber, Kitsch, Reynolds--wasted on a half-baked, if that, script.)
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