BECAUSE HANDING OUT 'BEST PICTURE' AT 2AM EASTERN IS NO PROBLEM: Actually, I'd have no problem if they added an Oscar for Best Stunt Coordinator, but what I really want is an Oscar for Best First Film, to recognize freshman directing talent.

This year's nominees would no doubt start with Zach Braff for Garden State, Joshua Marston for Maria Full of Grace and Napoleon Dynamite's Jared Hess. Why not make room to recognize emerging talent during the broadcast, and cut out the damn song performances already?

(Really, who's looking forward to seeing this guy in two weeks? Only Jerry Rice can pull off the balding/dreadlocks combo.)

So, what category would you like to add?

REMEMBER THE SABBATH: Ozzy and the boys' 1971 self-titled debut Black Sabbath has topped a list of the 100 greatest British rock albums conducted by Kerrang! magazine, which I had no idea still existed. (My friends Greg and Clark, who tried to talk me into going to see Judas Priest my freshman year, used to read it before first period honors Earth Science. The three of us did end up seeing Asia at Poplar Creek the next fall, and cheered madly when they changed the lyric of "Heat of the Moment" to reflect the calendar year ["And now you find yourself in 83/The disco hotspots hold no charm for me]. but I digress.) Ozzy, in fact, with Sabbath and without shows up six times on the list, which defines rock to include Queen, the Clash, Led Zep, and the Sex Pistols, but not the Beatles, Kinks, Who, or Stones, judging by the top 25 published at the link above.

IT DON'T MATTER IF YOU'RE BLACK OR WHITE: The thrilling star-studded witness list for the much-anticipated Jacko trial has been revealed and it reads like some kind of celebrity roast from hell. Among those making the cut are: Kobe Bryant, Stevie Wonder, Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, Nick and Aaron Carter, Larry King, David Blaine, Jay Leno, Ed Bradley, Chris Tucker, Maury Povich, Deepak Chopra, Barry Gibb, Marlon Brando's relatives, and, of course, Corey Feldman, Macaulay Culkin and Emmanuel Lewis.

SO WHO'S THE BOOGER-EATING MORON? And yet, some upcoming movies shouldn't be anticipated.

Why? Some dingbat with an abacus at Paramount thought it would be a good idea to remake The Bad News Bears, with Academy Award winner William Robert Thornton in the Walter Matthau role and Greg Kinnear (okay, that makes sense) as the evil manager. (And the kid playing Kelly Leak looks right too. But here's Lupus.)

Richard Linklater's directing, which I understand, because (a) School of Rock worked, even though it's a kids formula movie, and (b) he needs to do studio works like this to pay for each Before Sunset he wants to make.

But why this movie? Part of what's so jolting about the original movie was how coarse the language was. To soften it for 2005 would just turn this into School of Baseball and every other "loser team gets good" movie you've ever seen, and to make it even harsher . . . what's the point? And how could you, anyway?

Remakes only make sense when the passage of time helps reveal new truths in a movie, or when there's an actor or a director who can really put a unique stamp on the original material. I just don't see it here.

MY EXCITEMENT'S GONE UP TO 11: Happy news is hidden in New York Magazine this week. Christopher Guest and his ensemble are quietly at work on a new movie. That alone is glorious news, but it's the concept that makes me even more excited--tentatively titled "For Your Consideration," the project is about the cutthroat competition for a major movie award. A few suggestions for the Guest ensemble.

• Catherine O'Hara as an aging diva who's sick and tired of being beaten for major awards by ingenues, who decides that she must take the perfect part--a disabled retarded woman who's dying of cancer to finally win her award.
• Parker Posey as the ingenue who "stole" the last award from O'Hara.
• Eugene Levy as the genius director who's not made a film in 20 years because he was "blocked," whose new film doesn't quite go the way it should.
• Fred Willard as the host of the awards show, who's been fired and this is his last chance to redeem himself.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, ELSIE SNUFFIN? While her co-stars have gone on to be corporate attorneys (not Marilyn Manson, as rumored), game show hosts, and go-to Nickelodeon directors. Danica McKellar has continued to act, with this story (courtesy of TV Tattle) explaining what she's been up to lately. Oh, and in case you'd forgotten, she also wrote a complex math proof while in college. Certainly not what you'd expect from a "child star."

BILL SIMMONS' WET DREAM: Could Battle of the Network Stars be coming back? ABC, NBC and the WB are up for the challenge.