COME ON DOWN, YOU GOT IT IN YA, YOU GOT TO SCRAPE THAT SHIT RIGHT OFF YOUR SHOES: I need your group help with a solution to a cleaning problem. Yesterday, leaving work in the dark, I stepped in something foul.* One of my dress shoes -- the nice ones, not the ones I tend to beat up -- got it all over. I went back to the office bathroom and washed the shoe (upper, sole, and heel) for 10 or 15 minutes, first with water, then with soap and water, scrubbing with paper towels the whole time, including in the seams. When I got home, I washed it again. Then, before going to bed, I wiped it down with a half-canister of Method wipes. Today, I scrubbed it with a toothbrush, and then I dipped the toothbrush in vinegar and scrubbed it with that. Then I wiped it down with Windex.
It still smells. The soft leather sole smells, the hard rubber heel smells, and the patent leather upper smells. Although it has accumulated the smells of Method wipes, Windex, and vinegar, the original smell remains the most powerful.
Is there anything that can rescue these shoes, or do I just have to throw them out? They're really nice shoes.
*I've spared you the disgusting details up here, but if you're really interested, they're after the jump.
What I stepped in was definitely excrement, but I do not know what could have digested it. It could not have been a dog. It was so deep that it covered the heel of the uppers and got on my sock. It could have been a horse, I guess, but I don't recall seeing a horse in downtown San Francisco, especially one without a poo-catcher, recently. Also, I thought that horse excrement smelled kind of acidic (maybe I'm just mixing it up with cow pies) and was relatively dry and solid; this was the consistency of mashed potatoes. And the smell is foul. It smells like a combination of tar and homeless person sweat. It is the most foul thing I have ever smelled, and it is persistent -- lingering on my relatively impermeable patent leather shoes for over 12 hours. I deeply, deeply pity whatever sad creature passed this thing, but I also hate that sad creature for not cleaning up after itself.
Given that volume most likely human... or bear. In answer to your question, try Borax... just fill a bucket with it and dip the shoe entirely and leave it in there for a while to try to get the powder to absorb the odor. Not sure if this will damage the leather but since your other alternative is tossing it, nothing to lose.
ReplyDeleteSpacewoman votes toss the shoes. Even if you get them 100% back to normal, they will always be poo shoes.
ReplyDeleteCheap Solution: I'd suggest packing the shoe into a small box filled with baking soda. You may need to leave it for a few days, but chances are it'll pull the stench right out.
ReplyDeleteSolution requiring more money: Some people I know recommend and enzyme-based cleaner. They're made to get "pet smells" out of carpets and furniture, so as long as you find one that allows for use on leather and follow the usage instructions, that should work.
I was going to say Baking Soda, so Borax makes sense to me, too. But as Dan said, a powder might damage the leather.
ReplyDeleteThrow the shoes away. I have been where you are right now and I can tell from painful experience that nothing -- NOTHING -- will make that go away. THROW THE SHOES AWAY.
ReplyDeleteTry the baking soda box, then polish. Then polish again.
ReplyDeleteMint Listerine worked fairly well on pig pooped cowboy boots.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is that I have to leave in a couple of hours for a hearing in another state. So I cannot buy new shoes, and I cannot pack in baking soda because imagine how that will look at airport security.
ReplyDeleteI figure that, by the time Isaac gets back from the hearing, the spacekids will be gleefully calling the the "poo shoes" any chance they get.
ReplyDelete<p>My advice has Captain Hindsight written all over it, but there's no reason a white-collar worker of your income level shouldn't own two pairs of dress shoes. Even aside of emergencies like this one, it's better for the shoes if you only wear them every other day.
ReplyDelete</p><p>
</p><p>In terms of the immediate problem, you can get away with beat-up loafers for one hearing.
</p>
This doesn't solve an immediate problem but I'd take them to a shoe repair place and ask them to clean them. I did that with a leather purse that served as a vomit receptacle (don't ask). The purse is as good as new. I have no idea how they cleaned it but they did.
ReplyDeleteStop at a show store on the way to the airport, or hit one on the way to the courthouse. Do not enter the courtroom with those shoes on. If you do, everyone in that courtroom - no matter how great your performance, today or any day to come - will always remember that stank when they hear your name.
ReplyDeleteTry spritzing the shoes with a mixture of one part vodka to three parts water.
ReplyDeleteCoincidentally, the more beat-up and possibly too casual pair I use as a backup just went out of commission on Tuesday, when I discovered that the sole had worn completely through.
ReplyDeleteIt's good enough for Adlai Stevenson, it's good enough for you. Better to be a tad too casual in the courtroom than stanky.
ReplyDeleteAnd show up to a court hearing smelling like vodka? Who is he, Lindsay Lohan? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to take this advice, but if it rains, I'm screwed. The hole in the sole goes straight through to my feet. I noticed this when my feet got wet in a very light rain.
ReplyDelete<span>One Two
ReplyDeletePoo on my shoe
Three Four
Stench I abhor
Five Six
Poor little kicks
Seven Eight
What a dreadful fate
Nine Ten
Can I wear them again?
Eleven Twelve
verdict: Must not reshelve.</span>
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ReplyDeleteI've had a similar situation (puke purse) with a similar outcome. Those shoe repair guys are worth every penny. They can fix up your worn sole, too.
ReplyDeleteThrow away the poo shoe, but keep the other one in the pair. The fact that you stepped in poo this time suggests that you're the type of person who sometimes steps in poo, and next time it could (fingers crossed!) be the other foot. Of course, you'll need to find an exact replica of the pair. (And if you are so sure you won't step in poo again with the other foot (and really, are you THAT sure?), then I say you insist on just purchasing the shoe you need. If they refuse, bring in Spacewoman, and have her throw around phrases like "unreasonable tying arrangement.")
ReplyDeleteYou should own several pairs of shoes. If they were truly nice ones, I'd say send them to B. Nelson in New York, but if you only have one nice pair they're probably not worth it.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has suggested I contribute a "poo haiku" but I'm not that quick on my feet.
ReplyDelete(that was terrible -- sorry, sorry!)
Thirding this one. The shoe guys will make them like new. (Bring your other pair there, as well).
ReplyDeleteHow rich are you people that you throw away shoes that smell?? They're nice shoes! If they're near your nose frequently- then you need to get out of the Lotus position with your shoes on.
ReplyDelete$10 at the shoe guy will solve your problem.
Got a co-worker with similarly sized feet with a spare pair?
ReplyDeleteGot a co-worker with similarly sized feet with a spare pair?
ReplyDeleteMethod doesn't work
ReplyDeletesmell that lingers evermore
poo shoe invites taunts
It's not an issue of rich/not rich, it's an issue of walking into a room and everyone looks up, sniffs, and thinks "Who the hell just walked through genetically mutated man-bear shit and why didn't they clean their shoes?" When this happens, you get new shoes. If this means you throw away "rich" shoes and replace them with "poor" shoes, you do so. And as quickly as possible.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a question for Emily Yoffe at Slate: Dear Prudence, My shoes smell like shit. My friends say I should get new shoes, but otherwise they're qute nice. PS: Please forward to the Explainer for shit-smell removal tips.
Seinfeld, The Smelly Car:
Kramer: What's that smell?
Jerry: What smell?
Kramer: Ooooh... You stink.
Jerry: Whatd'ya mean I stink?
Kramer: You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower?
Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in
the car!
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me!
It's alive!
Elaine: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl
said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I
have B.O.! Me!
I agree if you try a few options and you're going to be the guy that smells like crap, you throw out your shoes. But not immediately.
ReplyDeleteKR, now you're just being difficult. If you'll reread the 1st paragraph, Isaac gave the few options try an heroic effort. New shoes can be purchased with a clean conscience.
ReplyDelete