Tuesday, January 4, 2011

FIVE THINGS RUSS FEARED MIGHT HAPPEN IN A PIXAR MOVIE:

Toy Story: Everybody realizes that Woody is kind of an asshole, and the gang drifts apart. Years later, after Woody commits suicide, the toys reunite at Woody's funeral. There's a lot of talking and I forget what happens, except that Sergeant hooks up with the much younger Bratz doll that Woody was dating when he killed himself.

Monsters, Inc.: Sully is touched by Mike's gift -- Mike has collected all of the fragments of Boo's door and glued them back together. Mike hits the button, and the door opens. Sully and Mike walk to the door together, but Mike tells Sully he'll get to Boo's room through a different door. Sully looks over his shoulder at Mike, closing the door quietly, and then at Boo, her face grim but alert. His shoulders slump, and he lets out a sigh. "Tell Mike it was just business," he says to Boo. "I always liked him." "Ee no da," Boo giggles. Sully looks up. "Can you get me off? For old time's sake?" "Ka do doo, Kitty," says Boo.

The Incredibles: Mr. Incredible and Frozone, embittered by the breakup of their marriages, decide to woo and jilt Miss Def, a low-level deaf superhero. They successfully carry out their plan, but Frozone is overcome by guilt. He goes to Mr. Incredible's house to admit that he fell in love with Miss Def. As he makes this confession, Elastigirl comes to the door to say hello. Frozone realizes, and suffers, the depth of Mr. Incredible's cruelty.

Cars 2: Lightning and Sally McQueen are raising a young Shelby Cobra in bucolic Radiator Springs and decide to adopt a Yugo from Montenegro. Yugo engages in increasingly sinister behavior, eventually totalling Lightning when he realizes that she is a modified 40-year old Lada that served as an unlicensed taxicab in Brezhnev-era Russia.

Toy Story 2: Jessie tells Woody that Andy has a mission for them. They take Barbie's Corvette into Andy's closet. Jessie drives. When they are deep in the recesses of the closet, Woody pulls out his six-shooter. "How you know?" Jessie asks. "You taught me," Woody answers. Jessie straightens up, leans her head against the window. "How my hair look, Wood?" "You look good, girl." The camera cuts to the floor outside the closet. There is a quick muzzle flash under the door, then the closet is dark.

20 comments:

  1. In the Company of the Incredibles.  Wow.  (All of it, wow.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dan Suitor9:30 PM

    I got "Orphan" and "The Wire", but is the first one "The Big Chill"?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Carmichael Harold9:57 PM

    I think the first one is "The Big Chill" and Monsters, Inc. is "The Godfather."  Isaac, this is just awesome. 

    ReplyDelete
  4. <span>I've now inspired two of Isaac's masterpieces.  (He knows which is the other one.)</span>

    ReplyDelete
  5. (And, on a serious note, though it should go without saying: There's a lot of headroom between these and the sort of "stakes" that could be involved in a non-prequel.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cruel Intentions, people. Always bet on Cruel Intentions.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ramar1:11 AM

    <span>Cruel Intentions, people. Always bet on Cruel Intentions.</span>

    Wouldn't that require there to be more than one female character in a Pixar movie?  That's far less likely than any of Isaac's scenarios.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymouse3:01 AM

    More!  More!

    ReplyDelete
  9. What -- Jessie, Barbie and Mrs. Potato Head don't count?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Or Incredibles--Violet, Helen Parr, and Edna Mode, though going all Cruel Intentions with that group of characters is uncomfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nice.  Very nice.  Where's the button to click "like" for a post?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Heather K10:27 AM

    eeep!!! *covers eyes*

    ReplyDelete
  13. I believe it's the six buttons which encourage you to promote it to your friends.

    ReplyDelete
  14. isaac_spaceman11:12 AM

    (sits in shower, pulls knees to chest, sobs)

    ReplyDelete
  15. bella wilfer1:57 PM

    The Incredibles one reminded me just how chilling that LaBute movie really is.  (And reminded me why I always have a knee-jerk negative reaction toward Eckhart on screen, even years later.)

    And The Wire parody? Love.

    ReplyDelete
  16. spacewoman2:55 PM

    Me too re Eckhart.  I can't help but think he's at least 30% evil.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Watchman4:31 PM

    Doesn't Eckhart's evil percentage depend on which side of the coin lands up?  Oh wait...

    ReplyDelete
  18. bella wilfer6:05 PM

    Yeah - him as two-face was perfect for me b/c of my forever associating him with In The Company of Men.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dan Suitor7:18 PM

    See, my first extensive experience with him was in Thank You For Smoking, so I can't help but see Eckhart as the smooth and composed Nick Naylor.

    ReplyDelete