Thursday, March 10, 2011

ANYONE WHO CAN'T MAKE MONEY OFF SPIDER-MAN SHOULD GET OUT OF THE MONEY-MAKING BUSINESS: Item!  Aaron Sorkin approached to join creative team of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark; declines.  Didn't stop Matt and I from tossing around some ideas:

  • Instead of flying across the room, Spider-Man makes his entrance saying "I am the Lord, your God."
  • Joshua Malina replaces Reeve Carney as Spider-Man.
  • Bono and the Edge are replaced by old Gilbert & Sullivan tunes.
  • Peter Parker stops halfway through the show to complain about what bloggers are saying about the show.
  • The Daily Bugle is now a Very, Very Important live tv show.
  • And everyone in the cast would know the name of the assistant wardrobe supervisor.

30 comments:

  1. Nowhereman10:06 AM

    Having just seen this show yesterday while visting NYC (ahhhhh comped tickets through a friend, how I love you), i'm sure the show is remotely fixable in it's current form. If they do bring on a co-director, they need to shut the production down and extensively re-write the book. Many, many parts of the show are jaw-dropping visually, but anytime the visual spectacle stops, the show crashes and burns in a way unlike... well unlike anything i've ever seen. The dialogue and plot are profoundly awful... heck the show doesn't even have an ending. I don't hate the music like other people do, but overall the show is really terrible; in it's current state *do* *not* spend your own money on it.

    Anyone going to NYC should go see 'How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying' instead, which should be coming out of previews any day now. Radcliffe and Laroquette are great, the rest of the cast is even better, the songs, set, and book sparkle, and it's astounding to think it's actually a revival of a decades-old show. A rare musical that's genuinely hilarious, not "musical hilarious."

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  2. Marsha10:40 AM

    They change the name of the show to "Spider-Man: What Kind of Day Has It Been?" ("How Are Things In Glocca Morra" being too confusing for the Broadway audience).

    Show length increases by 30 minute to accomodate all the walking-and-talking and the characters repeating each other's lines.

    The villian's name is changed to Alberto Fedrigati.

    MJ's parents will now divorce after a long marriage because her father's been having a long-standing affair.

    And all Peter Parker will have to do to make his Aunt and Uncle happy is come home at the end of the day.

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  3. isaac_spaceman10:52 AM

    Doctor Octopus:  I am Doctor Octopus.  Prepare to meet your doom.
    Spidey:  You're a doctor? 
    Doctor Octopus:  I am.
    Spidey:  Of octopology.
    Doctor Octopus:  No. I ...
    Spidey:  A doctor who treats octopuses?  
    Doctor Octopus:  Octopi.
    Spidey:  Octopi.  You treat octopi.
    Doctor Octopus:  No, I was saying that the plural of octopus is octopi.  I don't treat octopi.
    Spidey:  But you are a doctor.
    Doctor Octopus:  I hold a PhD in nuclear physics.
    Spidey:  Ah, that kind of doctor.  Professor Octopus.
    Doctor Octopus:  I don't take your point.  I served on the National Board of Nuclear Science. 
    Spidey:  The totally not-made-up National Board of Nuclear Science.
    Doctor Octopus:  It is ... listen, we are getting off track here. 
    Spidey:  So no hippocratic oath.
    Doctor Octopus:  Right.
    Spidey:  Too bad for me.
    Doctor Octopus:  Right.
    Spidey:  That explains the "prepare to meet your doom" stuff. 

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  4. LOL!  That was awesome.

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  5. Emily W11:07 AM

    The "fix" has been big news here in NYC the last couple days, and from what I read yesterday, it's probably going to be completely shut down for 3-4 weeks soon so they can do the complete overhaul.

    Glad to have the good word on HtSiBWRT -- I've been looking forward to it for awhile!

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  6. Eric J.11:09 AM

    The second act is derailed by Peter agreeing to Mary Jane's stupid "dating plan."


    I hope some day Sorkin writes an animated musical, so he can work with a Choreoanimator.

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  7. Joseph J. Finn11:14 AM

    As long as it doesn't end with Peter and Mary Jane making a deal with Mephisto to retroactively erase their entire marriage in order to save Aunt May's life, I'm fine with it.  Because no one would ever come up wth such a stupid idea, right?  Right?

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  8. I'm still holding out for Aaron Sorkin's The Clone Saga, in which it's revealed that the Jed Bartlet we knew all along might not actually have been Jed Bartlet, but actually a clone.

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  9. Anonymous11:47 AM

    At least five times during the show, character A says something that triggers a thought in head of character B, who stares into space for a second before rushing off to do something he never would have thought of but for unrelated conversation with A.  (Hey, Sorkin did it two or three times in The Social Network, so why not up the ante for a live performance?)

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  10. The villain will receive an alliterative name, ala Mary Marsh or Karen Cahill.

    Nina Sziemasko will be added to the cast in the role of "pretty blonde with little to do."

    Addition of the line: "You're wearing my suit, Spidey."

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  11. Tosy and Cosh12:05 PM

    But if they do end the play with the Mephisto nonsense, the sequel will be surprisingly awesome!

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  12. Paul Tabachneck12:12 PM

    Ward of Arachne:  Can I ask you something?

    Spider-Man:  Shoot.

    WA:  What is the proper velocity your webbing should have when you are in midflight?

    SM:  Well, it's more of a gut thi---

    WA:  And how many hairs per square inch of your hand does it take for you to be able to cling to walls?

    SM:  I --

    WA:  What specific chain of chemical reaction was required for that spider to be imbued with the properties that would cause its venom to transfer spider-strength?  More to the point, how do you think the chain of events was set into play that caused you to become a, for lack of a better term, "Superhero?"

    SM:  I think I understand your point --

    WA:  I don't think you do.  How much would it have hurt, when the Post interviewed you about your superpowers, to say, "I didn't make this happen for myself, and if not for the goddess Arachne, I wouldn't have the preternatural ability to hit the side of a literal building with my unexplainable biological webbing?"

    SM: I --

    WA:  Do you know how much that would have meant to her?  How often she would have played that segment from her DVR for her fellow gods?  Spider-Man, you get celebrated for so much that......

    [dialogue fades as we fade up on Arachne's lair, stage right]

    Assistant to Stan Lee:  Can I ask you something?

    Arachne:  Shoot.

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  13. Nowhereman12:15 PM

    The show is renamed to "Foxwoods Theater on the Great White Way" and actually becomes a musical *about* Aaron Sorkin coming in to fix the show. Aaron Sorkin will be played by Kesley Grammar.

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  14. Paul Tabachneck12:18 PM

    I desperately want to see the show before the fix.  If anyone knows of a good connection, please let me know.

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  15. isaac_spaceman12:20 PM

    Upon reflection, it helps if you have Rob Lowe in mind for the Spidey lines. 

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  16. Joseph J. Finn12:25 PM

    Matt, you are an evil evil man.

    (There's a great insert in one of the Ultimate Spider-Man collections where Bendis recalls a phone conversation where he was persuaded to take a crack at Venom, with actually pretty damn good results, which ends with him staring at the phone, "I'm three weeks away from a call about the Clone Saga.")

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  17. Paul Tabachneck12:26 PM

    That's absolutely incredible.

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  18. Genevieve12:40 PM

    Paul, are you working on a sequel to "Not Since Carrie"?

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  19. So the book writers are big House fans?

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  20. Genevieve12:51 PM

    Spiderman:  You want to tempt the wrath of whatever from high atop the thing?

    Arachne, from above:  I find that a fairly snippy way to refer to me.

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  21. Goldstar has previously offered pretty limited $79 tickets for the show on select dates, but none are currently available.

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  22. Eric J.2:35 PM

    I thought of that last one - and it should probably be Peter saying "You're wearing my suit, Flash."

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  23. Genevieve2:48 PM

    Doc Octopus:  Do you know what the worst part is?
    Henchman:  Worst part of what?
    Doc Octopus:  Of being beaten by that arachno-humanoid.
    Henchman:  Arachno-humanoid?  Is that a thing now?
    Doc Octopus:  I'm making it a thing.
    Henchman:  Really.
    Doc Octopus:  I just don't like to say his name, okay?  I don't want to give him that dignity.
    Henchman:  The dignity of referring to him as Spiderman.
    Doc Octopus:  I'm not saying it's a lot of dignity, I'm just saying I don't want to give it to him.
    Henchman:  Fine.  The arachno-humanoid.
    Doc Octopus:  You didn't answer my question.
    Henchman:  What the worst part is?  Was that even a question?
    Doc Octopus:  The question was whether you wanted to know what the worst part is.
    Henchman:  And what would happen if my answer was no?
    Doc Octopus:  Let's do this.  Look at the symbol on your jumpsuit.  Is that a symbol of your power and magnitude, indicating that you are in charge of a vast empire of evil?  Oh wait, no, that's a symbol that refers to me.  So let's try this again.
    Henchman:  Tell me, sir, what is the worst part of being beaten by that arachno-humanoid?
    Doc Octopus:  It's not that I'm webbed up and waiting for the police to arrive and take us me off to jail.  It's not that my highly-developed brain will be wasting away in a federal cell where all the bookmobile has to read is old issues of Boating World and Country Living.  And it's not even that my plan, my genuinely ingenious plan for achieving domination of the entire world from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, will never come to fruition and be appreciated like a fine wine for its quality and depth.
    Henchman:  Are you going to tell me what it is?
    Doc Octopus:  It's that somewhere, after he has flopped his overlarge feet on an overstuffed couch and reached out his web-enhanced fingers for the remote control, he is going to lean back and gloat at my expense.
    Henchman:  He's not leaning back and gloating.
    Doc Octopus:  I've been this creature's arch-nemesis for years.  Trust me.  He likes to gloat.

    Peter Parker, from his couch:  Victory, victory is mine!  Great day in the morning, victory is mine! 
    Mary Jane:  Good morning, tiger.
    Peter:  I drink from the keg of glory, Mary Jane.  Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.  Right here to the couch, so I don't miss my stories.
    Mary Jane, sotto voce:  He's going to be unbearable today.

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  24. Genevieve3:15 PM

    This would work better if the first sentence were (as I incorrectly remembered it) "Do you want to know what the worst part is?"

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  25. Paul Tabachneck4:22 PM

    What is "Not Since Carrie?"

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  26. Joseph J. Finn4:29 PM

    "<span>Peter:  I drink from the keg of glory, Mary Jane.  Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.  Right here to the couch, so I don't miss my stories.  "</span>

    That works perfectly for Peter in the current newspaper strip, which JOsh Frulinger over at Comics Curmudgeon has rightly nailed as the laziest superhero ever.

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  27. Genevieve5:33 PM

    Comics Curmudgeon was indeed my inspiration.

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  28. Nowhereman8:03 PM

    Fantastic book that outlines some of the biggest Broadway disasters, from Carrie to the legendary Via Galactica

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  29. Paul Tabachneck3:59 AM

    Oh.  In that case, maybe.

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  30. Steph9:25 AM

    I love all you guys. You crack me up. 

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