- Turned a perennially mediocre and dysfunctional team into a consistent winner; and
- Supervised the process of bringing every facet of the organization that was under his control, including on-field product, scouting, and planning, up to the very highest standards in Major League Baseball; and thereby
- Transformed a perpetually dispirited and cynical fan base into one of the most devoted (if irritating to others) in sports; and thereby
- Enabled the creation of a merchandising, broadcasting, and revenue-generating machine that ensured both a competitive advantage over all but a handful of rivals and substantial profits for ownership; all of which
- Resulted in the heaping scorn of his Red Sox employers.
- Epstein also singlehandedly proved, as Joe Morgan and others argued, that Billy Beane was a fraud who knew nothing about baseball, by
- Helping turn Beane's team into a consistent loser, by
- Doing everything that Beane did and then outbidding Beane for every player that Beane wanted.
- Epstein was the first Jewish teenager to own a professional baseball team, right after dropping out of Harvard Business School three credits short of a degree in theoretical computer programming.
- His departure from the Red Sox is causing Ken Tremendous to tear Mose Schrute's hair out.
- He is going to let Steve Bartman live in his basement, because Theo Epstein doesn't believe in curses.
*Facts not guaranteed to be true.
