After many delays, due to our respective workloads at the end of the academic year, the girl and I were finally able to go on our second date. On Sunday afternoon we headed off to a general purpose farm/recreational area two towns away, played a spirited round of minigolf (I clinched a two stroke win on the last hole), and ate handmade ice cream while we talked on the patio. It went great; a good time was had by all.Northampton, MA, anyone? On the former, I think the regularity of the contact is what matters most. Just keep making time for each other.
Today, after we were both done with finals, we met for coffee and - after some smalltalk - had a State of the Relationship conversation where we sort of fessed up to liking each other and tried to sort out how it's going to work over the summer. She's headed back to Poughkeepsie, NY tomorrow, and I'm likely to spend the next few months bouncing between my family's home in Southern New Hampshire and my apartment in Worcester, MA. I'm going to try to get out there every few weeks, and we're trying to sort out some good places to meet in between or go together when we actually see each other.
So, my questions for the commentariat are twofold: A.) How do you make the long distance thing work, especially when you're just starting out? and B.) Do you have any suggestion for places we can meet in between or go to when we're together? I've got some limited ideas for A (unlimited texting plan, Skype, etc.) and she's already suggested previously that she'd like to see Niagara Falls and Montreal, so that seems like it'd work for a bigger trip but I also need some time/money intensive options.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
BACK TO THE ALOTT5A MODERN LOVE AND SENIOR YEAR HOOK-UPS DESK: An update from Our Prospective Suitor:
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You should absolutely make plans for occasional get-togethers; I'd look into the Berkshires (Lenox, Mass., is almost exactly halfway between Worcester and Poughkeepsie), where you'll have your pick of concerts, plays, hikes, restaurants, etc. And yes, texting and Skyping will allow you to keep in regular contact. But my secret weapon would be real, hand-written cards and letters -- even (especially?) in the age of instant electronic communication, she'll be thrilled to find an envelope from you waiting in her mailbox.
ReplyDeleteSkype. It's basically a necessity for long distance relationships. Other than that, just make sure that when you do see each other, you make it special.
ReplyDeleteI second the handwritten letters/notes/cards. I know that I still have some of the letters from a post-freshman year long-distance relationship. It was such a bright spot (especially since I was living at home with my parents again).
ReplyDeleteI second the handwritten letter suggestion. My sister and her now-husband also starting dating at this time of the school year, and spent the summer writing to each other. He may not have had email, but there's something super sweet about letters.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely make time for each other. There can be a real danger in the long-distance relationship of romanticizing the other person and then being disappointed when you're back in the same place that she leaves hair in the sink and you leave the toilet seat up.
ReplyDeleteBut there's also a real plus to getting to know each other and spending a lot of time talking without having to battle the desire to jump each other.
thirded or fourthed!
ReplyDeleteI fourth the hand-written cards/notes. They don't need to be long (or at least not all the time). Even a surprise postcard saying hi from wherever you were/whatever you did can be great. Even if you discussed the event in detail over Skype four days before the card arrives, it will make her feel special. (At least, so I hope -- I have been doing a version of this with my 7-yo daughter since my wife and I separated a few months ago: I see her in person 4 or 5 days a week, and Skype on the other days, but I'm supplementing that with postcards once or twice a week, and she seems to be getting a kick out of that.)
ReplyDeleteWhatever you might have heard, long-distance relationships can work, especially in the short term and at your age. My sort-of-wife and I were long-distance for six years before we ever lived in the same place, and that was BEFORE the age of Skype, ubiquitous mobile phones, and essentially free long-distance calling. Just be very open in your communications, be sure to reaffirm your feelings for her, be transparent about where you are and what you're doing (so she's not wondering whether you're out picking up other women), and do make plans to see her every couple of weeks if possible. I'm awful about this, so this is a "do as I say not as I do" piece of advice, but when you are with her, try to ignore your iPhone/Droid/Whatever as much as you can.
ReplyDeleteThe Whately Inn. My great grandfather owned it sixty years ago and it appears to be in good hands now.
ReplyDeleteBasketball Hall of Fame. Kidding. Kinda.
Try to stalk Jeph Jacques if you're into webcomics.
--bd
Fifth. I was in London, BF was in Philly. Yes, email is faster but old fashioned snail mail is somehow sweeter?
ReplyDeleteI was in a long distance relationship in college for three years - before Skype, Facebook, and the internet. We each were the first two people we knew who played around with that newfangled email thing. Anyway, it is do-able.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree on the letters and postcards. Such a thrill to find something in the read mail. And make sure you always have the next in-person meeting planned - otherwise it's too easy for things to pile up and time to get away from you. Lots of Skype/email/phone, for sure. And never underestimate the power of the unexpected gift - girls like to get surprise deliveries.
Most of all, don't worry about it too much. If there's a strong connection there, this time apart (given that it is finite and short) will probably be fun and will give you good stories to tell the kids.
Hey, for the right woman, a sports hall of fame works fine. My husband and I did a ballpark tour of California for our honeymoon and I found it very romantic (other than the sunburns...)
ReplyDeleteYes and no - don't feel like there's pressure to make each time super-special. But try to make each time a good time spent together - a weekend of knocking around bookstores, doing a little hiking, doing the Sunday crossword together, and a couple of nice meals can be lovely and sustaining until the next time you see each other. Researching what there is to do/see where you're going to be is a good idea.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were long-distance for a couple of years after we dated for a few months at the end of the school year. And yes, before Internet and mostly before email. It can definitely work, so ignore naysayers (we had a few and they bugged me).
ReplyDeletePhone calls, postcards, and/or notes are really nice and also reassuring that you're still thinking about her and looking to continue the relationship - something people can worry about when they don't hear from their significant other. Skype would've been terrific when we were long-distance, as the phone bill was a concern for him on a student budget. A couple of written tokens from him were good to hold on to when I missed him, and a small tangible gift to hang on to is a good touchstone (I'm not talking expensive, it could be a small tourist thing from somewhere you both visited, or a little cheap-but-cute necklace or bracelet you saw somewhere, a tiny stuffed animal or a snowglobe, whatever - something she can look at / touch during the times you're apart and think about you and know that you thought about her when you were apart and you got it for her).
Northampton is a fun, funky town to knock around - great used bookstore, great ice cream place, if either of you like children's literature it's near the Eric Carle Picture Book museum, which was really cool, and as a college town it's got music places and great brunch w/organic food and other cool things.
I'm totally against handwritten letters.
ReplyDelete(Those who know me will know this is NOT true!)
lots of stuff in western MA near the NY border: Mass MOCA (museum), Tanglewoods (music), Williamstown (theater), Jacobs Pillow (dance)
ReplyDeleteI dated cross-country long-distance (LA/NY) for a year. Didn't ultimately work out, but we made it work for quite a while. I second everyone's thoughts above, but still think you should come to LA and work in the movies for the summer. Maybe she can come too and you guys can live TOGETHER and share rent! I am a genius at ridiculous ideas, I know.
ReplyDeleteAs someone now married to a man who lived 5000 miles away from me (we met the last day of a conference and only spent a few hours together, then dated long-distance for a year and a half until we married), I'll say emails made our courtship amazing. The emails we sent throughout the day were instant mood lifters and we shared a lot that we might not have on regular dates. I implemented a "fun facts" method early on where I closed each email with a few interesting/mundane facts. They were usually silly, frequently informative, and mostly factual. It was a good way to share personal trivia in a flirtatious and fun way.
ReplyDeleteI'm biased, and this might be a little bit out of your way, but Ithaca is always a nice place to visit during the summer. It's really the only time of the year you can go swim in the gorges without freezing to death, and the wineries will all be open.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, communication is the most important thing. i've been in a long-distance relationship for the past year (moving in together in 10 days!) and we always text back and forth throughout the day to share funny or interesting stories, random thoughts, or just to say hi.
I know that the timing is not ideal, but it's also kind of an opportunity. I met my boyfriend (usually referred to here as "the boyfriend") at a mutual friend's wedding. At which point, I wandered back to Atlanta, while he remained in DC. Sure, not really optimal timing, but once we realized that we were having to drag ourselves off of the phone and looking forward to emails, it was a good sign.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I assume they kissed?
ReplyDeleteDoes she like baseball? It's a bit more of a haul for you, but Cooperstown is a wonderful place for a weekend.
ReplyDeleteThis is a high quality problem -- so glad it's going well! I think so many of us have been there; my law school boyfriend (now husband) had to leave to spend the summer in California after we'd only been dating for a couple of months. I remember being really depressed about the time apart, but talking every night -- despite his well-known phone aversion -- helped. It was also really nice to have a visit or two scheduled; I'd spend weeks looking forward to the trip, and then when it was over, we were that much closer to being through the summer. It's not like anyone would choose to be apart, but a little missing someone in the early stages of a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteWe've spent March Break (that's what we call spring break, since it falls in, well, March, and is usually not very spring like) in the Berkshires for the last two years. Lovely area. We recommend Buff Orpington wings at The Old Forge near Jiminy Peak.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I never lived in the same city until we were married. We weren't crazy long distance, not across they country or anything, but apart nonetheless. I also went to SF to visit a friends just as we started dating. I printed some of the emails my husband sent to me in California and after I came home, and still have them. Communication is key, regardless of how you do it, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteRelatedly, I love the idea of handwritten notes and cards, but I wonder if that's a bigger deal to people my age (mid to late 30's) who remember a world before Internet communication?
On meeting halfway: Lenox may be more directly halfway between you but the Northampton area will likely be cheaper if one or both of you stays overnight, especially during Tanglewood season (Tanglewood is fabulous, btw; get lawn seats and bring a picnic). Pittsfield also has a AAA baseball team, The Pittsfield Colonials, if that's more your thing and you're doing the Berkshires.
ReplyDeleteIf you're into folk music, the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival is held in July on the NY side of the Berkshires, the Green River Festival is also held in July in Greenfield, MA (a short drive from Northampton), or you could make the jaunt up to Newport. ("Folk" is loosely defined.)
I've never been to Poughkeepsie, but I've been to neighboring Rhinebeck and your friend's neck of the woods is a lovely area to visit, too.
Shopping at the Lee Outlets! And the Capitol Region Isn't that much farther towards PK, there are lovely things to see in Albany.
ReplyDeleteI also know all of the great rock formations between Springfield and Albany on 90, but unless you are fellow geology nerds, I'm guessing you will pass.
Around Poughkeepsie: http://hvshakespeare.org/ Terrific outdoor performances in a romantic setting. Good restaurants at the CIA in Hyde Park http://www.ciachef.edu/ Air shows at Rhinebeck http://www.oldrhinebeck.org/
ReplyDeleteLike many others, I began dating my future husband shortly before starting a three-month internship in another city about 2 hours from the one where we lived. We talked on the phone every day and visited each other as much as we could (usually every other weekend). This predated cell phones and IM, although we had email, so I think keeping in touch any way can make it work. It wasn't easy or fun, but we knew it was temporary and we were able to have a pretty good summer.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe how many folks here did the long-distance thing with their now-spouses. Count me in that group - 3-1/2 years of long-distance before his job transfer got us into the same place. The advice I gave to a friend on long-distance dating (who married her bf), is to talk every day. It may be a bit early for that, but it lets you talk about the little everyday things as they happen. If you only talk once a week or once every few days, you tend to cover only the big stuff, and I think that talking about the little stuff is how you REALLY get to know each other. Postcards (or any greeting cards) are great - I still have some that my husband sent me. GOOD LUCK.
ReplyDeleteFront page of the live! section of the Chicago Tribune today has an article on Betty White's new book about romance. The pull quote is "A handwritten letter - a lot of guys don't realize what that means." So the hive mind here has been validated by It-Octogenarian Betty White.
ReplyDeleteI love "It-Octogenarian." I aspire to one day (some time between 2052 and 2062) be an "It-Octogenarian."
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