WHEN THEY'RE HOT, WELL DAMN THEY'RE HOT: It's a little unfair for a 36-year old lawyer to Keltnerize Motley Crue. So this rundown was written by my 14-year-old self, a die-hard heavy metal fan and owner of two Crue albums:
Was Motley Crue ever regarded as the best artist in rock music? On the one hand, the Beatles are frequently considered the best band in rock history, and Motley Crue outrocks the Beatles completely. So on that level, they were better than the best. On the other hand, they're not really my favorite band, so no.
Was Motley Crue ever the best band in its genre? Is Motley Crue the very best artist in history that is not in the Hall of Fame? Is Motley Crue the best artist within its genre eligible for the Hall of Fame? They're some guys' favorite band, but that's mostly because of the pentagrams. They're some girls' favorite band too, but mostly just sluts. Plus, Van Halen and Metallica are better. So I'd say that they're the third best heavy metal band eligible for the Hall, unless you count Iron Maiden, in which case they're tied for third. Iron Maiden may be a better fit for the Hall because they write about Egypt and Dune and quote poetry.
Was any member of Motley Crue ever considered the best at his instrument or role? Let's see: Bruce Dickinson, Eddie Van Halen (or Richie Blackmore or Yngwie Malmsteen), Billy Sheehan, Neil Peart (or John Bonham), so no. Actually, they kind of suck.
Did Motley Crue have an impact on a number of other musicians? Yes. For a while, everybody wore makeup, and the Satan thing was kind of trendy. And for a lot of years, they really were trendsetters in the groupie department. I mean, they really lowered the standards of conduct. You couldn't go on the Crue tour bus without a tetanus shot.
Was Motley Crue good enough to have an unusually long career? If you count the hiatus time for rehab, jail, and temporary breakups, they had a really long career. Completely unexpected.
How many #1 singles/gold records did Motley Crue have? They had seven Billboard top-10 albums (though many were before Billboard accurately counted country music), one or two of which were greatest-hits albums. One of the albums, Dr. Feelgood, went to #1, and another, Girls Girls Girls, went to #2. Five Crue albums went platinum or better; three more went gold. Nobody but complete assholes buys heavy metal singles, but there were enough complete assholes to give Crue three top-10 singles.
Did Motley Crue ever win a Grammy award? If not, how many times was Motley Crue nominated? How many Grammy-level songs/albums did Motley Crue have? Grammies are for pussies.
How many Rolling Stone covers did it appear on? Motley Crue was on the cover of Rolling Stone 17 times. No, I made that up, I don't know. They were on the cover of Creem and Circus every other week from 1983 through 1987, though.
Is there any evidence to suggest that Motley Crue was significantly better or worse than is suggested by its records? What does this mean? Yes, there was a reservoir of untapped genius there that you'll never be able to hear, all because Tommy Lee and Vince Neil had a falling-out when they discovered that they have lesions of common origin. That's sarcasm, by the way.
Are most artists who have a comparable recording history and impact in the Hall of Fame? No, because the Hall is totally prejudiced against heavy metal artists. Also, most heavy metal artists aren't quite eligible yet, both because of the timing requirements and the felony convictions.
What impact did Motley Crue have on rock history? Was it responsible for any stylistic changes? Did it introduce any new equipment? Did it change music history in any way? Motley Crue was responsible for repopularizing makeup and hair spray for men, for popularizing the nonpunk use of stupid stage names, for discovering and briefly exploiting a previously unknown and still-poorly-understood connection between cartoon satanism and scoring with chicks (Black Sabbath pioneered the cartoon satanism part, but I don't think they ever got laid; Crue really only did this on Shout at the Devil), and for really committing themselves to the promotion of unadulterated skankiness. I read somewhere that Vince Neil is so diseased that he is incontinent.
If Motley Crue was the biggest artist at a concert, would it be likely that the concert would rock? Only if hell yes.
Did Motley Crue uphold the standards of sportsmanship and character that the Hall of Fame instructs us to consider? Let's see: Drugs: check. Wanton, possibly syphilitic, hedonism: check. Vehicular homicide: check. Domestic abuse: check. Open sores on the neck of drummer: check. A song consisting principally of a list of the band's favorite strip clubs: check. Most popular homemade porn of all time: check. Reality shows: check, check, check. I think that's practically the platonic ideal of the standards of sportsmanship and character one expects of rock and roll.
Conclusion: On the positive side, Motley Crue really was partially responsible for the ascendency of heavy metal as a popular, as opposed to marginalized, form of music in the 1980s. They were very influential within the LA hard-rock scene, which means that, like it or not, they were largely responsible for bands ranging from Cinderella to Warrant to Guns 'n' Roses. They had a long and successful career and are still beloved among a substantial, if dwindling, group of fans. On the negative side, they stunk. So no, they're out.
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